Help! I’m kinky but my partner is not

handcuffed couple

This article is in response to the numerous questions we receive from readers on this very subject. Usually, the question goes:

“Hello, I’m recently kinky (or have been for many years) but my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is not. How can I get them interested in kink and BDSM?”

There are a couple of ways to go about this, but first we have to get one thing out of the way. The debate rages on as to whether or not people are “born” kinky or if it’s a learned hobby or interest or some mix of both. For the sake of this article (and my wishful thinking), we’ll assume almost anyone can have a learned interest in kink.

Assuming you and your partner have a healthy relationship and you (the kinky one) have not been sneaking around behind their back in pursuit of your own kinky pleasures, then we can start from a healthy place of open conversation. You must first broach the subject of kink with your partner. Because of the recent trend in kink friendly movies and books-it should be relatively easy to at least open the conversation. Perhaps ask what they think of the whole Fifty Shades of Gray trend. Ask them if they’ve ever had any past kinky sexual partners or significant others. Find out if there is any history or inclination there. Beyond that, you can explore mutual interests. Often times, it just takes an open conversation making sure that both you and your partner feel safe and not judged in this dialogue to get the ball rolling.

If your partner seems hesitant, you could suggest attending some kink friendly events together as a way of branching out or going on a new adventure. No partner wants to be the stick in the mud and most will be willing to try anything once. Start with a local munch so your partner can see that people interested in kink are just like vanilla people. They eat meals and have normal conversations like everyone else. Help alleviate the stigma that surrounds BDSM. Oftentimes people imagine black lipstick, dark and gothic clothing, and heavy metal music. It’s usually not the case (though that type of scene can be quote fun in its own right!).

In this same vein, it’s important to reinforce to your partner that you are opening up a huge part of yourself to them. You want to include them in this part of your life because you care about them and want to enjoy this with them. As the kinky person, you need to keep in mind that in the end, your partner may not have an interest in kink, and that’s alright. It’s entirely up to you whether or not this is gong to be a deal breaker for you. I personally tried vanilla dating for many years before jumping head first into kink. I would never be able to date a vanilla person for the rest of my life because to me, kink is essential to a balanced and happy relationship. But, many couples find a happy balance between bedroom only kink or maybe some rough sex here and there. It’s what works for you in your relationship.

If your partner feels up for it, try some things in the bedroom behind closed doors. Light play such as tickling, light scratching, a long feather, light bondage, and spanking can open the door to a whole new realm to someone who has never explored kink before. Always have the open door of communication. Stress to your partner that they can talk to you about likes and dislikes. Your partner may feel silly at first, trying all of these crazy new things. Remind them to relax and enjoy the ride, that this is just one more experience you are both trying together.

Most decent sized cities have a ton of events geared towards new people. Check out your local dungeons (kink clubs) and find out about their orientations and tours of the facility. Here in LA, there is a weekly BDSM 101 class taught by our contributor Jenn Masri, and clubs in other cities offer similar types of introductory classes. There are also more advanced classes focusing on every topic under the sun. There are all kinds of play parties, including those catering to male Dom / female sub play (e.g. Gentlemen in Charge) or female Dom / male sub (e.g. Women in Charge of Kink), as well as lots of more general “anything goes” kinds of parties. All of these will have rules and guidelines to assist newer folks along the way. If you happen to live in an area with a lively local kink scene, find events such as these. Though you may not be super new to kink, you’ll want your partner to feel welcome and informed.

Remember, I cannot stress how important it is to handle this topic gently and with an open and honest heart. Give your partner an opportunity to understand and embrace kink. Do not get angry at him or her if ultimately, it is something that are not interested in. Find out what works best for the both of you.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Comments

  1. this is a pretty good start. I’ve had some bad experiences trying to get people into bdsm that are just not kinky. i don’t think its possible with some. i think some people are just hard wired differently. no matter how you go about it they may just think you’re weird or aren’t into it. if you care about someone enough its worth a shot though.

    • kinkweekly says:

      I feel similarly, though I did not dive into it as much in this article. Some people will just not find it an interest or cannot get over the social stigma and limitations surrounding it. It can be difficult to “short circuit” the vanilla ideals that have been taught to you your whole life. I think it is definitely worth trying with a partner though! You never know until you ask! Thanks for reading 🙂

      -anniebear

  2. John Hartmen says:

    My experience (40 years worth) is that talking never works. Certain code words create an automatic acculturated emotional response from the listener, one that can never be overcome by logic. Here’s what I do: Start with relatively neutral action, like pinning her arms down, gently then more firmly scratch her buttocks, suck her nipples but sometime a little harder, etc., etc. Then listen for her reaction (breathing, movement) and proceed (or not) according to the cues. As she gets more comfortable with as a person, and a sex partner, you may find you can step, and expand upon the testimony. Do any of the above while fingering or sucking her at the same time. She’ll respond quickly or slowly, but appealing directly to her eroticism will get you a lot further than trying to ‘splain it. At least that’s been my experience. Take it for what’s it worth.

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