Introducing a New Person to BDSM

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We’ve written several articles similar to this topic in the past but with the caveat that you were either dating or romantically interested in the new person or perhaps it was a vanilla person you’re trying to convert. This article will cover aspects and ideas for introducing a kinky platonic friend into the scene, something which I’ve had personal experience with multiple times…not that I’m trying to convert every single one of my friends…or maybe I am, hehe ๐Ÿ™‚

This is also assuming that you, the reader are a safe, sane, and consensual player-I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since you’re taking the time to read this helpful article. Whether you’re introducing a male or female (or those who identify as) the concepts will be similar. Then as the person begins to find their way, you can advise them to the best of your knowledge on how they could potentially proceed.

Hypothetically speaking, a friend of yours comes to you seeking advice on BDSM, is interested in it, or wants to come with you to a kink event. How do you proceed? Personally, I like to start with education. Send them some written material that you think is valuable or noteworthy. We have several articles for beginners in the archives of Kink Weekly, specifically Baadmaster’s piece “Where Do I Begin?” Similarly, you can explain everything in person, however this can be both time consuming and unreliable because unless they take notes or have a fantastic memory, they will not have a point of reference to go back to in the event they need some reminders. You can always send them some material and then go over it in person with them if you care to be extra thorough.

Next, you can discuss what their interests may be. Often times they will say they either do not know or only have a very vague reference of what they could be into. They may not even know if they are a Top, bottom, switch or something in between or apart from those labels. In my experience, a true kinkster just “knows” they are into it and are excited to discover new things about themselves. You can help them along by inviting them to specific classes. If you’re lucky enough to live in a well populated BDSM scene, seek out a BDSM 101 class or basics classes on impact play, flogging, anything you can think of just to get them exposed to new kinks. Munches are also a fabulous way for them to meet fellow kinksters and hear what other people have to say. In my experience, BDSM folks are usually happy to discuss ideas with a respectful newbie. If they are “too important” to speak with a new person, then I wouldn’t particularly want my hypothetical new friend to meet that person anyway.

If you feel like you’re still having a hard time helping this person find their way, it’s time to bring in reinforcements! The longer I’m in the scene, the easier it is for me to get a “feel” for which end of the spectrum someone may be. For example, I had a long time friend who I knew was very dominant and when he finally came to me and said he wanted to explore BDSM, I knew exactly where to send him! However, I have a different friend who was unsure at first what she wanted but as I introduced her into the scene and exposed her to more, we both figured out that she was a switch. If you have an inkling of what they might like, you have the experience, and are able to play platonically, offer to do an introductory scene with them. If you do not feel qualified, find a trusted friend who would be interested. Kinksters are selfish (in a good way!) and always happy to play and what a treat to introduce someone new to something we all love so much! A word of caution on this: I’d offer to sit in on the scene if they are playing with a mutual friend. Walk them through a proper negotiation and help them pick out a safe word as well. Newbies can get attached to a partner pretty easily as the endorphins run high, something worth mentioning as well as the dangers of sub drop. If you are an experienced sub, you can still walk your potential Top friend through a scene, especially with the supervision of another Top or Dom.

There are endless options to help a new person find their way. If you still feel very new yourself, find more experienced folks to assist or attend classes together. The important thing is to play smart and be realistic with your newbie about BDSM. Everyone has made a mistake or two (or three) as a newbie, if you’re able to impart your advice and journey, your friend will thank you for it. Thanks to you for looking out for your friend as well!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Comments

  1. queen anew says:

    pretty good advice. it think u could have gone more in depth.

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