Ask Baadmaster

Here is an amazing question so nuanced that I had to ponder the answer for a while.  I am not even sure this is the right answer; thus you can file this under “Opinion.”

Reader: Here is a problem, as a fellow Dom, you might be able to help me with. Recently I went to a dungeon party with my collared slave. A small argument escalated to the point where she said, loudly so that everyone could hear, “Go fuck yourself. Fuck you and your fucking collar.” I immediately released her. Now she is begging to be taken back. On the one hand, I still want her as my slave. On the other hand, this public show of total disrespect seems to make it impossible to collar her again. What should I do?

Of course, not knowing your personal situation in detail, there is a limit to what we can accurately advise. Not being Nostradamus limits us a bit. That said, there are certain aspects of your dilemma that are universal and can be answered helpfully. But first, a little background might be in order.

There is a theory that suggests that the reason D/s relationships can be so volatile and short-lived has to do with the fact that they don’t have as much “elasticity” as vanilla unions do. Since D/s relationships have a basic requirement of trust and respect, a Dom/me who lies to or cheats on his submissive (or vice versa) is more likely to land a fatal blow to the relationship. “Make-up sex,” after finding out about an illicit affair, is far more common in the vanilla world than in ours. Lying or cheating is more likely lethal in a Master/slave arrangement than in a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend liaison. Thus, your situation is a “good news/bad news” state of affairs. The bad news is that public disrespect is a far more serious transgression in our lifestyle than in the vanilla world. If I had a dollar for every “fuck you” or “asshole” a wife spewed at her spouse on a supermarket line, I would be writing this column on my yacht. And in almost all of those cases a divorce lawyer did not appear. Thus, your prognosis is bleaker in D/s than in vanilla. Now for the good news. Your slave did not cheat or lie. Disrespect, if only of the moment and not reflective of a deeper dissatisfaction, does not have to be terminal.

I wish the “fuck yous” were stated softly, or privately. That would be a lot easier to deal with because of the “Social Media Stardom Principle.” What is the “Social Media Stardom Principle,” you ask? It is, in our computer culture, that everybody’s life is an open book. Thus your public argument could surface anywhere – Twitter, Fetlife, et. al. – and then you could wind up taking into account what other people think.  The good news is that since you are a Dom, you could tell any haters to go fuck themselves. So this area is covered.

But if you are part of the typical tight-knit, gossip-oriented subculture that many dungeons cater to, then you might risk some hating from those who expect your textbook reaction to a public rebuke to be the permanent banishment of your slave. If you don’t care what other people think – and you should not – than there is no law that says you cannot re-collar your slave.

Once you get past any Internet/community considerations, you can objectively examine the pros and cons of reconciliation. As I see it, the biggest “pro” is working past your problems. All couples, from vanilla to non-vanilla, face difficulties. Rarely is smooth sailing the norm in any lifestyle. So, you can either work through your issues or just go on to a new relationship with brand-new problems. If your slave’s outburst was a one-time thing, then a temporary release might be punishment enough. And, you might find that your relationship is stronger than ever. Working through problems is good for the soul.

Ultimately, the aim for any relationship is the fulfillment of the people involved. To live your life to please others, although an all too-often human need, is really not the way to go. The bottom line, as I see it, is if your relationship works for you and your submissive, that should be all that matters.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.


  1. Ernest Greene says:

    A tough question to be sure. If there are strong, mutual affections that bind the couple more powerfully than the generally accepted limits on public behavior, forgiveness is appropriate and, given the difficult of finding a compatible long-term BDSM relationship, worth extending the effort. But as has been said elsewhere in this very issue, dominants too have limits. The submissive’s outburst wasn’t merely rude, it was a moving consent violation, especially in a public situation. Abusive language may not leave a visible mark but it’s still abusive and abuse falls outside the realm of consent. Incidentally, the outburst in question was also petty abusive to the onlookers, who didn’t agree to be dragged into a verbal humiliation session. So, what is our general inclination toward abusers? One strike and they’re out. If a Dom did something similar in would immediately be recognized for what it was and that would spell the end of the relationship and the Dom’s reputation in the community. In short, I find myself wondering if we’re looking at a double standard here. Is it okay for a Dom to lose his temper and non-consensually subject his partner to a public verbal battering? I doubt many would think so. In fact, it would be considered a deal-breaker in most D/s relationships and rightly. so, as abusers rarely abuse just once. But do we give grant a waiver for the same behavior just because of the abuser’s role status? Again, I wasn’t there and I don’t know the people involved. But I do think a consistent line on abusive behavior is an important part of consent culture and no matter how difficult it might be to draw a hard line in a case like this and stick to it, my inclination is to do exactly that. Similar things have happened to me and when I forgave, surprise, they happened again with the same person. So now I’m a little less willing to be the forgiving daddy who understands his little darling’s temper tantrum and lets it slide. Difficult though it might be, I’d probably try to put the whole relationship in the rearview mirror. Fuck me and my fucking collar? Okay, done.

  2. Ernest Greene says:

    Sorry for the typos in my comment. I’m not using my usual keyboard. Thankfully, I’m more careful and less clumsy with an unfamiliar whip.

  3. Ernest Greene. Thanks for the very thoughtful response. There are so many variables at work here that there is no right answer. Personally, I have not been disrespected publicly in that manner, so I cannot comment from personal experience.

    However, that being said, I have gotten — in private — “get your own fucking cup of coffee.” When that happened, the D/s bond was broken. And I made my own coffee and told her to leave. The “fucking” made it a “one strike and you’re out” transgression. Then again, she was not collared, so the situations are not comparable. Human beings can be so complicated!

    BTW, the “one typo and you’re out” rule has been waived!

  4. ShadowMinx says:

    Being a new submissive not sure even now being in the lifestyle for almost a year. I don’t think I could even form my mouth or mind to do this to my Master. Granted don’t know the specifics. But believe in life there is a time and place for everything. There’s also would or should be a much needed talk and a punishment for a period of time with such disrespect.

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