Ask Baadmaster!

Reader: About a year ago, I met the Dom of my dreams. He was so attentive and passionate, but he lived 3000 miles away! He couldn’t move because of his job, but I could. So after lots of anxiety over it, we decided I should relocate to where he lives. My D/s relationship with my Dom is fine, but I left my family and friends far away. I’m lonely and in a new place. What is the best way to handle my situation?

There is a great Steven Wright line, “You can’t have everything, where would you put it?” I am not being flip, but just about everything in life is a compromise. It can be a minor trade-off, such as when you buy the Wal-Mart brand instead of the famous one, or a major one, like yours in having to move away from your family to be with the “Dom of your dreams.”  

When dealing with major compromises, you have to realize you would not have made the sacrifice if you did not think the result would be worth it. Finding “the Dom of your dreams” is a major achievement. I know far too many submissives who have spent years futilely trying to find their perfect Dominant. It is much harder than finding a vanilla partner as the pool of available candidates is much smaller. I do not think you fully appreciate the monumental achievement that finding your perfect Master in this lifestyle truly is. It is what the great majority of submissives strive for; the “Holy Grail” you might say. You should keep this in mind and consider yourself extremely privileged in this regard.   

The key is to center yourself in the absolute correctness of your decision. It sounds like might be having second thoughts. If this is the case, second-guessing yourself can only have a deleterious effect on your relationship. And it is your relationship that you dropped all these other things for; it must be paramount.

What I suggest is that you treat the relationship portion of your life with 110% dedication. (It’s really 100% but the sports people perpetuate this concept!) Strive to make your Dom/sub relationship as rock solid as you possibly can. Because if it deteriorates, you have spent all this time and effort in moving thousands of miles for nothing. Your Dom and your bond with him must supersede all else. Don’t doubt yourself; don’t get down because there are certain inherent problems with being so far away from your family and friends. People move all the time. It might be stressful and even terrifying, but you are not alone. You have your Dom.

As to missing your family and friends, your Dom is your new family. He can be your guide, mentor, friend, and advisor. You should tell him about your feelings regarding the family and friends you left behind. Perhaps you can work on this together.

The beauty of family and friends is that they are family and friends no matter how far apart you are. If you are honest with them, as you should be, they can also be a source of strength. If you tell them that you are happy with your new boyfriend (if you need to speak vanilla to them), they will be glad for you. They will, more than likely, make an extra effort to talk on the phone, Skype, text or email you. There are many ways to keep in touch with them technologically. It is not as though you left to live in Antarctica without Internet service.

Keeping an open dialogue with your Dom, your family and your friends will ease the emotional and physical transition into your new surroundings. Don’t expect to assimilate such a shock instantaneously. You are being too hard on yourself. It takes time.

And, if you need a quick pick-me-up, just know that there are so many submissives looking for their “dream Dom” you could fill a hard drive. The fortunate ones will find that perfect match. And as long as you and your Dom can maintain a great relationship, which sounds likely based on your question, you are one of the lucky ones. Don’t ever forget that!

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.


  1. hardplayer says:


  2. When do you feel someone is ready to be in a power exchange dynamic?

    • There is no general answer to this question. But I do believe that at least six months when both are proximate and probably a year when there are great distances — and great disruption — involved.

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