BDSM – Where do I begin? Part Two

woman curious about bdsm

The first article concentrated mainly on the basics of BDSM – basically the what, where and vocabulary of entering the lifestyle. I might add that reading books on the lifestyle will give you additional perspective as to what BDSM entails. Amazon.com has a bunch of them – just punch in “bondage books” and a whole myriad of great BDSM reading is there for a quick download.

The reason I say read is because you should define yourself and what you want from the lifestyle. Some people are just into restraints, others only into sado/masochism, still others just want a sex slave. And although you might encounter some judgmental people (“he’s not a real Master”), just keep in mind that we here at Kink Weekly make no such judgments – if you are participating in any form, you are in the lifestyle.

Now that you are reading and starting to understand what BDSM entails, I think the key to having a rewarding time in our kinky lifestyle is to “Know thyself.” This bit of advice will serve you very well on just about every level.

Most of us enter this world because of a fascination with bondage, domination, s&m, submission, or some related fantasy. One major difference between this and vanilla is if you were to tell a vanilla partner about a BDSM fantasy, the usual response would be, “You want me to do that, you perv?” Beyond the response, the look of disdain could kill. In BDSM, kink is an integral part of the lifestyle, so there is no reason to lie, either to your partner or yourself. Honesty is a great place to begin because it is a great habit that will extend over into your entire BDSM life.

What I recommend is that you probe and acknowledge your true needs and accept them. (Except if your deepest desires are either illegal or non-consensual, in which case you might wish to seek professional help.) This is the first step, the real place to begin. Although it seems easy to be honest with yourself, it is actually a lot harder than it appears. For example, if you are a male, it might be difficult to come to terms with your submissive needs if you find you have them. In our football-obsessed society, we are taught that being an alpha-male is the way to go. Conversely, a female might find it hard to accept her Domme needs in the context of the vanilla world. For whatever reason, be it guilt, shame or an inability to ever be honest with one’s self, few people are able to plumb deep enough to find out what their true desires are. And many people avoid this lifestyle rather than open themselves up to feelings that they would rather not confront. But once you have decided to join this party, then you should start on the right foundation – internal honesty.

Delving deep into who you are – Dom/me, submissive, gay, straight, bi – and what your play needs are is the right way to start. To paraphrase that old Spice Girls ditty, “Find out what you want, what you really, really, really want!” Once you are honest with yourself, then you can search for a partner who shares, to a great degree, your desires. The beauty of this lifestyle is that you can tell that person straightaway what these needs are. It is not like vanilla where you (no pun intended) beat around the bush. Tell a vanilla girl that you enjoy fisting, chances are you will get slapped — verbally or otherwise. Tell that to a lifestyle girl, she will say that it either is, or is not, her cup of tea. Without rancor, without condemnation. By discussing your needs honestly and openly, without deception or guile, you will be able to find a partner who shares your needs.

This lifestyle is set up to reward both internal and external honesty; it works best in this context. Besides, why lie when you don’t have to? Why lie when truth is an essential tool for success in this lifestyle? Why lie when by being truthful, you increase your chances of finding the perfect partner?

So, “Where do I begin?” Begin with honesty. Be honest with yourself. Then continue this honesty habit with anyone you meet in the lifestyle. It will make everything so much better. And easier. And more fun!

Future articles will explore the nuts and bolts of BDSM and D/s – flogging, caning, wax play, restraints, safe words, handcuffs – all the techniques that will add scope and excitement to your play.

Our next article will be a very important one, and one that you should not miss: “What Is a Master?” If you ever plan on meeting a Master or Mistress online, the information contained in this one article is truly essential.

Stay tuned right here!

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

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