Be Cool

03_kimber_fox__sabra_johnsinKimber Fox and Sabr A Johnsin shot by Danny Stygion

In the tradition of my last two articles, I will again tackle a submitted BDSM question that I think is important to answer. This was sent to me via email. So, let’s go!

“I’m new to the lifestyle, and am not even sure whether I’m a Top or bottom! I’ve been invited to a play party by a friend, but since I’ve never played even privately before, I’m terrified. I’m scared there might be pressure on me to play. If I don’t play, I don’t want to look like a fool… But how can I pass up the opportunity to go?! I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Can you help?”

You say you are new to the lifestyle. Since everyone was a newbie once (including me!), this is common to all lifestylers. What is uncommon is the speed at which you have managed to wrangle a play party invitation. My first invite to a dungeon came after I had played for a while and gotten around a bit. Your situation is like being allowed to pass through the velvet ropes at a celebrity party on your first visit to a city. It happens, but it is not the typical situation. Thus, it is only natural that you would have some trepidation about your first appearance at a BDSM play party.

The best advice I can give you has nothing to do with BDSM, the lifestyle or your “newbie-ness.” (Is that a word?) It is, simply, “Be cool.” It is very easy to be cool in this type of situation. A play party is the perfect setting for “instant coolness.” First of all, everyone there is self-involved. They have their own concerns to worry about, not yours. They are caught up in setting up their scenes, worrying about whether they brought the right toys and wondering whether a specific type of BDSM equipment is going to be available to them. Is their scene going to work out as planned; are they dressed right? Basically, every concern that performers ruminate about is at the center of their universe for that night. Surely, your “virgin status” is scarcely a concern of theirs. Unless, of course, you violate basic play party or dungeon (if it is at a dungeon) etiquette, which is:

  • If you are watching a scene, never make a comment that can be heard by the participants. If you must talk, thing “golf!


  • Don’t interrupt a scene and never enter the players’ “scene space.”  Watch the scene from a comfortable distance and save all your comments until later.  Keep in mind that a submissive can be bounced out of subspace by noise, comments, laughter, etc.  


  • Be respectful. Or, more simply, be cool!  

In any BDSM dungeon or play party, there is never any pressure to play. This is not like a used car dealership where they hate it when you are “just looking.” The lifestylers who play publicly want to be watched; they are exhibitionists. Without an audience, they might as well play at home. Thus, your watching – and only watching – is encouraged. If someone asks you if you want to play, a simple “no thank you” will suffice. Just hang around, observe, and enjoy the show. Again, just be cool.

Finally, if you want to eliminate any remaining worries with respect to your “de-virgination,” dress the part. If you are a female, wear fetish style clothes. If you are a male, dress in black. In either case, don’t go overboard; wearing handcuffs and chains will make you look lame – especially as you are a newbie! Look like you belong but don’t over compensate. In other words, look cool!

If you use this approach, you will have no problems. There will be absolutely nothing to fear. You can learn more at a play party in one night than you can in a month of reading about the lifestyle. You will be in the best place to watch, observe and pick up on diverse real-life BDSM play styles. As the great sage Yogi Berra (who’s he?) once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.


  1. whippedprincess says:

    So useful for new people in the community to know!

  2. Fi-Fi LeFemme says:

    Very useful advice. X

  3. mastery101 says:

    I agree!

    Everyone should read this!

  4. Thanks for the good words all!

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