How To Find The Right Partner


Many of us, if we haven’t already, would like to meet a real life BDSM partner. Even “Helicopter Hank” (my nickname for “Fifty Shades” Christian Grey) partnered up. But what is the best way to “partner up?” Here are some of my thoughts regarding this subject.

First off, if you are a submissive, you must know that there is a fundamental difference between “the need to serve” and “the need to be dominated.” On the surface, the net result of “serving” and “being dominated” can appear to be identical. After all, the submissive can be seen in both instances serving the Dominant breakfast in bed or crawling in leash and collar. Yet, on deeper analysis, there seems to be a wide gap between the two. The sub who “needs to serve” can be trained much more easily, often with scant need for punishment. As this type needs to serve and submit, reprimand is rarely called for. However, if you are a Dom/me and are dealing with one who “needs to be dominated,” you might find that punishment – a very dominant act – is not only required, it is required often. After all, if you need to be dominated, what better way to scratch that itch than to be punished? If you are able to spot these distinctions, you will be better able to locate a partner who gives you what you need on a very deep level.

Similarly, there is another “two-headed dragon” that can also be confusing. Submissives and masochists can act, on the surface, identically. For example, if you go to a dungeon and see a “slave” on the St. Andrews Cross writhing in exquisite agony, you might assume she/he (last time) is the Master/Mistress’s (oops, really the last time!) slave. However, there is every possibility that she is simply a masochist and there is not even the slightest power exchange involved. On the other hand, you might observe a scene where there is little or no pain. It would be easy to conclude that these “light players” have a lesser power exchange than the Sadist/masochist couple. Once again, you could be wrong. The “light” bottom could easily be a 24/7 slave to the “light” Master. You must look deeper than just appearances and labels to find compatibility.

As we see it, the best approach is to include both play and the D/s-relationship areas in your search; and make sure you also ask these questions that will give you a more complete picture of your potential partner.

Service-wired or dominant-needy? As we stated, do you want a partner who wants to serve or simply craves domination? Both can work; it is all about what the two people desire.

Submissive vs. masochist? Do you want someone who craves pain but does not need to be your submissive? This can be a lot of fun. Or, do you want a submissive to serve you? The choice is yours.

24/7 vs. weekend play? This is one of the most critical dealmakers and deal breakers. Do you want a slave to be in “mental slave space” 24/7 or do you want a less intense commitment. Is a weekend submissive what you require? Does the Dominant want a full-time or part-time slave? It works best when both want similar things.

High protocol vs. low/no protocol? This is another non-play area that is critical to any D/s union. Are you a high-protocol, medium protocol or low-protocol submissive or Dom? You should be very specific in this area because one person’s low protocol is another person’s high protocol. And it is best when protocol needs match.

Service or no service? Some submissives are service oriented; they will get your coffee, clean the house and wash your clothes. Others are not; they might serve you sexually or play-wise, but do not want to do the laundry. If you are the Dominant, you must find out where your sub’s preferences lie. If you are the submissive, you must ask what your Dominant wants in terms of the type of service before you give it a go.

Play vs. relationship? Some people just want to play; others want a D/s relationship. Although play can often lead to a relationship, if you don’t agree here, what can you agree on?

No distance or long distance? This seems so obvious, why even mention it? We do because so many people initially ignore distance considerations and then, after they get involved, realize how confining they can be. Be adamant about your distance criteria.

The best way to meet your ideal partner is to use both play and D/s-relationship criteria. And, most importantly, don’t assume. You know the “ass and me” aspects of that word. If you want a sub, search for a sub. You don’t have to try to turn a masochist into a submissive – especially with so many people joining our lifestyle!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.


  1. sublily says:

    Great article! This topic was much needed!

  2. mistressmoon says:

    Love this piece! Even veterans need to be reminded of these things.

  3. outandproud says:

    Practical and good to know!

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