POLY DILEMMAS

Brian Vox-http://www.voxart9.com/

One of the most appealing aspects of our lifestyle is often polyamory. Having two – or even more — subs or slaves can be very hot. That being said, by all accounts, these arrangements are usually the shortest lived of BDSM unions – especially for those who want a live-in and permanent relationship. As I am a male Dominant who has had a few live-in triads with two female subs, I think I have some experience in these types of relationships. (There is a companion piece, “Polyamory,” right here on this site: http://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/polyamory/ )

Earlier this year, at a discussion at L.A.’s legendary dungeon, the Lair deSade, I was asked the following question:   

I’m a female who joined a triad with a male Dom and his female sub. She dropped out and now I am his only sub. I really like this new situation. But he says he is going to find another sub. I am petrified and don’t want to be in a triad again. But I love him. What should I do?”

Obviously, this is not like the case of a “one-sub Dom” who, at a later date, decides he wants a second slave. There does not seem to be any overt dishonesty on his part; you knew he was poly from day one. Furthermore, by joining the triad, you agreed to it; he has every right to re-establish a triad should he so desire. However, before you get all bent out of shape at the prospect of your Dom adding another slave, you must first ascertain whether he is dead-set on adding a second submissive again. Saying he is going to find another sub and actually finding one can be two different things.

People’s tastes change. For example, as I had stated, I have pursued poly a number of times. None of these relationships have worked out long term; besides, they required an inordinate amount of effort to maintain. As a result, poly does not currently top my list of priorities. Similarly, this might also be your Dom’s experience with your now-defunct triad. Although he says he is going to find another sub, you should find out to what lengths he will be looking. Here is where the C-word – communication — comes in. Ask him how committed he is to the poly lifestyle. There is every possibility his experience mirrors mine; he might be open to having a one-sub relationship. Don’t assume the worst. You know what they say about assuming. So communicate, don’t assumicate! (I am not sure how good or bad that one is.)

If, however, he is firmly committed to replacing the last sub, you must do a lot of self-evaluation. In this case, you can safely conclude that you will, more than likely, never be his sole slave. Keeping this in mind, can you accept this fact? Will it make you terminally unhappy? Can you adjust? You should look back on your poly days and honestly examine those aspects of it that you liked and those you disliked. Unless it was like cleaning the Aegean Stables, there were surely aspects of poly that you enjoyed. Figure out under what circumstances you would accept another triad with your Dom. Could it be a particular type of sister-sub is acceptable? Could it be that you want an alpha-beta arrangement? Or, maybe, a few days a month, play type arrangement? Keeping all these factors in mind, it is time to go back to the old overused C-word again. Talk to your Dom. Explain your concerns, your likes, your dislikes, your needs. Any Dom contemplating a triad would appreciate this input; after all, poly is tough enough without having to guess what works best for one of the two subs.

On the other hand, if poly is totally distasteful to you and he is dead-set on having a triad, then you might not be able to salvage the situation. Love or no love, this could be just an untenable situation for you. There are times when “irreconcilable differences” are truly irreconcilable. This could be one of them; you must face this truth head on. Sad to say, I cannot always offer a solution to every problem.

Personally, I would say try to look at the good things about poly (and there are many; I speak from experience) and try to “steer” your Dom (without overtly topping from the bottom) into picking a partner that you can live with. If this is not acceptable to you, then you just might have to ask for your release and look for a “one-sub Dom.”


About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Comments

  1. tearsntails says:

    Great work as always! In your opinion, what is the most effective poly structure?

    • The most effective structure, as I see it, is the one that keeps all three members the happiest. And there is no one way to do it. But an observant, honest and sensitive Dom can facilitate accord between the members.

  2. blushangel says:

    Thank you for such a straightforward, no nonsense approach to poly. Very helpful.

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