To Top or Not To Top

As the New Year is close at hand, I wanted to end the year answering some readers’ questions. Rather than write in the abstract, responding to real life questions makes it so much more personal. Here is a question that, I think, everyone in the lifestyle – from beginner to expert — has pondered.

Every time I ask my Dom for something — like a McDonald’s hamburger — or
make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom” and
punishes me. I signed a slave contract, so is he right?

As we head into 2018, we have to take into account the direction that BDSM is moving. I would opine that we are moving towards a more varied and inclusive BDSM world. Switching, for example, is much more common today – or simply more admitted! So to answer this question, we would have to know where this sub’s relationship falls on the D/s continuum. Is it a classic “Old Guard” high protocol Master/slave relationship or a modern, lower protocol, play-oriented one? Or something in between? One person’s “bottom topping” is another’s “strict discipline.” No longer is high protocol 24/7 Master slave the only way to go – or the only protocol to aspire to. You might say that, within reason – anything goes. And that, at least to me, is a good thing.

Thus, to answer this question, we would have to know what was in the slave contract. The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship in the contract. For example, if your slave contract (see my kinkweekly.com “Slave Contract” article), was a strict protocol document, your Dom/me has the right to punish you and he would be correct. (Of course, since slave contracts cannot legally be enforced, even if he were right, you can still just end the relationship.) On the other hand, if this were a more casual D/s union with a light contract, the Dom/me would be totally wrong.

Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs his/her first contract and after a while she gets sick of asking “Master, may I…?” and longs for his/her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what he/she wants. It is up to the Dominant to correct these habits early and in the context of the protocols of their relationship. If he cannot, or the submissive is unwilling and finds all this structure a drag, it is time for them to give up the Master/slave routine.

In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, defined protocols and honest communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of the negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom/me should not have to read the sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom/me to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking like he/she is famished. Topping from the bottom is better than starving on the bottom!

I might add, in 2018, one would be advised to take your time and build a relationship. In this new era, it is not wise to just tie up and flog some stranger you just met at a club. I will be covering “BDSM in the New Era” in a future article. Until then…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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