What is a mentor?

Welcoming partner

This article was one I had not planned to write. It really is not a fun topic; it is kind of dull and boring. Short of telling “this mentor walks into a bar” jokes, I cannot really make it interesting. Since my aim has always been to be fun to read, writing an article about mentors seems about as exciting as writing about great moments in hubcap history. But since this information is really needed — especially by those new to the lifestyle — I am going to attempt it anyway.

What exactly is a “mentor”? A “mentor” in the BDSM lifestyle has the same definition as that in the vanilla world: a guide, a teacher, an advisor, a protector, friend, an experienced source of lifestyle information and a protector. They are mostly Dom/mes who mentor new submissives (“newbies”), although Dom/mes can be mentored too.

As I have stressed many times, the more knowledge you accumulate in this lifestyle, the more enjoyable your journey will be. One way to gather this knowledge is to read all the articles here on kinkweekly.com. Another way is to meet an experienced guide/teacher – a “mentor” – who can help steer you around the pitfalls that you will encounter along the way. After all, the more you learn about this subject, the better able you are to know what you are seeking; you will become skilled at weeding out those people who are just in this for a “quickie.” (Yes, there are some of those!)

The problem that I have seen recently is that there is no shortage of unqualified people who wish to “mentor”a newbie submissive. Many want to become their confidant – and use it as a sneaky way to control a submissive. And this is a problem. For while a submissive might screen a prospective Dom/me nine ways to Sunday, he/she might simply accept some “mentor’s” claim of five years in the lifestyle without question. “He’s only a mentor” can be the reasoning here. But herein lies a danger – because a bad mentor can be a source of misinformation and a waste of time. Or even turn you off to the lifestyle.

I suggest screening a “mentor” with the same care as one would screen a prospective Dominant. Ask around and see if there are any lies or inconsistencies in his/her story. Look for “Red Flags” – for example if the mentor makes quick demands on a submissive. If the mentor immediately demands to screen all prospective Doms—red flag! Or if the mentor insists that all mail and messages go through him or her – red flag! Basically when you see any quick demand for an unwarranted amount of control – ditch his or her ass!

Keep in mind a mentor is a teacher, a confidant, a friend – not a Dom/me in disguise. That is disingenuous, dangerous and wrong.

Personally, I have met very few good mentors. Those few mentors that meet my standards are actually reputable Masters/Mistressses with slaves; they love to share their knowledge of the lifestyle and thus they mentor selected newbies who are referred to him.

I cannot personally mentor all of you who need a mentor; but I can help you with answers to some of your most pressing questions. Just e-mail me here at kinkweekly.com and I will try to help (or “mentor”) you.

Enough of the dull, albeit important, stuff. It is now time you to read one of my entertaining articles!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.


  1. robby one says:

    that is true. lots of people wanting to mentor with no qualification to do so

  2. Does anyone have any advice on where to find a mentor? Maybe some website online, I know the risks of fakes but of course i’d be as cautious as i can when it comes to looking for one.

    • Hi Ally

      I don’t know of any web site that lists BDSM mentors. But what city are you in – I might be able to recommend someone to ask.


  3. MeesterToni says:

    Hi Ally there is always the site FetLife

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