Common Misconceptions About BDSM

Photo by Vice Erotica

Photo by Vice Erotica

The world of BDSM is a fascinating and exciting world for those looking in and also for those who are actively involved, but there are some misconceptions about how we live our lives and what kinds of things we do and why. Here are a few of the more common misconceptions:

It’s all about kinky sex:

Contrary to what many folk believe, BDSM, kink, Master/slave, Dominant/submissive or whatever label or definition you can think of, it is not always all about sex and that is probably the most common misconception.

It is true that for a couple in a long term power exchange relationship, sex is normally a part of their dynamic, but it is not always the case. There are Masters and Dominants who own submissives and or slaves, with whom sexual activity is never entered into. For example, the straight Male Master with the bisexual male slave, or the Gay Male Master with the straight female slave, or the straight Male Master who has two girls, one is His collared slave to whom He is also married, the other is a submissive who wears His collar, is owned by Him but lives with her own husband and serves her Master when He requires it, perhaps once a week or more or less.

There are many more combinations for whom sex is not a part of their regular activities, Mistresses often do not have sex with their male slaves. Professional Masters and Mistresses usually do not have sex with their clients.

It’s sick, it’s abuse:

Some of the activities that we practice may seem unusual or weird or “sick” but it is a huge misconception that what we do is abusive.

It isn’t “hitting” or “beating” – it is flogging or spanking or impact play. The sensations created are amazing, it’s like a drug that you just want more and more of. Endorphin release can be a fantastic feeling, and that is why we come back for more.
It is not abuse – consent is the key factor here, if we have consented to the play then it is not abuse, without the consent, it is definitely abuse.

There are lots of activities besides impact play – there is rope, being tied can produce that endorphin rush for both the person being tied and the one doing the tying.

There is needle play, creating beautiful designs using someone’s body as the canvas.

There is wax play, knife play, electrical play, mummification, and the list goes on and on.

Comments about our activities being sick and abusive make most of us quite sad, it is our chosen lifestyle, our chosen activities, things that we like to do, or have done to us.

Comments like that show a closed or uneducated mind, and we do our best to dispel the mystery and the myths surrounding our lifestyle.

Collars are worn all the time:

This is a very common misconception. I am a collared slave; my Master owns me. i do not wear a leather collar all the time, though i have one, more than one actually. My collar has a plate riveted on which says “Property of MJ” and a tag that says “MJ’s girl” it is not always around my neck. I wear a gold chain around my neck and a matching one around my wrist, and i bear two tattoos which are His marks of ownership on my body.
Some slaves do wear collars all the time, there are many different designs, and most of them are lovely.
Some slaves wear chains, necklaces, anklets, bracelets, etc, to denote ownership, some wear rings, some do not wear anything.

Being owned and collared, the feelings come from deep down in your heart, i do not need to wear a collar all the time to know who and what i am, it’s there always, in my heart.
I love my collar and i love wearing it but i do not NEED to wear it, it is the outward symbol of what lies deep within my heart and soul, the knowledge that He owns me, that i am His.

A slave or submissive has no say:

Communication is one of the cornerstones for a successful Power Exchange relationship. There should be a lot of discussion before entering into the relationship and things that should be discussed are rules, consequences of breaking the rules, limits, both hard and soft ones, and a very clear picture of how the relationship will work should be created so both Master and sub know where they stand.

We are allowed to have an opinion, most slaves and submissives i know are not weak little doormats who will not say boo, most of them are strong women or men, who have opinions, who have a voice and will use that voice with confidence. We accept the rules that are made for us, we accept that someone else is in control of our world, but mostly we are allowed to voice an opinion or ask questions if we do not understand.
If my Master asks me to do something that i don’t want to do, or i think i can’t do, then i speak to Him – He listens to my concerns, He never just dismisses me, and i accept His judgement no matter what, because i trust Him to care for me and my needs. If He feels i can do it, then i give it my best shot FOR HIM, and i do that willingly knowing that He would not ask me if it was not right.

Our relationships are really not much different to any other relationship, except for the fact that one is in control and one is not, one is the leader, one is the follower, the leader has accepted responsibility for someone else’s life, the follower has accepted that he or she is NOT the leader, and trusts the other person to take care of his or her life, health, emotional and physical wellbeing.

We all still have to go shopping, pay bills, see family, cope with everyday life.

Serving your Master:

The word “serve” is often misconstrued – many folk think that to serve means to have sex, or give a blow job “on your knees girl and serve me” is a common saying amongst new inexperienced Doms who think that’s what it means to be a Dom.
To serve really means to do your Master’s bidding, to do what He asks you, when He asks you. It is about making your Master’s life easier so you serve, you do what you are told. Serve can mean anything from getting drinks, making a meal, doing dishes, helping at an event, driving the car – anything you do is serving.

All Masters have a harem of girls:

Another misconception is that a Master always has lots of girls like a harem and he sleeps with all of them and they all sleep together and everyone lives together in a house with him as the boss and all the others have a pecking order.
Some Dominants may have more than one, some may have more than two, my Master had 4 submissives when i met Him, i became number 5. But He did not sleep with any of them, and they did not live with Him either.

There are “houses” which exist exactly the way i have described, but it is not the normal way for most of us.

Slaves are kept naked and in chains:

Oh if this were true! I do not know a single slave who is kept naked and chained up unless needed.
I do know slaves who go to bed in chains, or are chained to the bed.
I know slaves that sometimes are required to be naked at home, but not all the time – let’s face it, it is just not practical!

There are probably more misconceptions than just that i have listed here, but these appear to be the most common ones.

As always this is just my own opinion – yours may be different.

Kim Debron, also known as MJ’s girl is a collared slave owned by and married to Master Joe. Living in Ballarat, Australia she
has been writing articles since mid 2004. “Writing has always been a passion of mine and Master saw the potential in my essay, and since then more and more subjects have been researched and written about. With His encouragement i have pursued my dream, and now my writing has been published in Kink-E Magazine (Australia), Kink-E-Zine (America), Triskelion Society (America) and Submissive Voice (America) as well as on various other D/s and M/s resource sites and web pages.”

Comments

  1. bernadette says:

    I could not agree more with the abuse one. So sick of hearing about it from judgmental people who think they know everything. to them i say don’t knock it till you tried it!

  2. In regards to the abuse one, there is a growing theory that BDSM can be healing for survivors of sexual assault.

    One part of this is the ability to control the intensity of the situation (agreement with dom/domme before the session surrounding hard and soft limits and use of safeword) which can be empowering and can enable them to rewrite their internal narrative. Similarly, some survivors adopt a dominant role to empower themselves.

    Another part of BDSM that has theraputic value in this context is the idea of people owning their bodies. Some survivors of sexual assault who are into BDSM choose to adorn their bodies with piercings and other accoutrements in order to increase this sense of reclamation.

    Also, a part of BDSM (if done properly) can also enable individuals who have faced these experiences to express their repressed anger in a safe way.

    In addition, there is the use of pain. Some survivors of sexual assault who are into BDSM have stated that physical pain in this setting can enable them to remain focused without negative flashbacks; to such people, it brings sense of ‘nowness’ and enables them to experience arousal without experiencing negative connections.

    Finally and perhaps the most important part of BDSM in this context is the ability to trust. As you know, a successful relationship is based on “Safety, Consensuality and Mutuality”- in the context of survivors of sexual assault, it can be a positive experience to discuss rules regarding sexual play. When rules are agreed upon, adopted and adhered to, it can be therapeutic for the survivor and can enable them to regain trust in their partner, themselves and the world around them.

    Sources: https://www.pandys.org/articles/BDSM_healing.htm
    https://prezi.com/9jds2iobpmhv/the-therapeutic-value-of-bdsm/
    https://www.outfrontmagazine.com/lifestyle/relationships-sexuality/bdsm-therapy-kink-as-a-way-to-heal-after-sexual-violence/

    To those who are judgemental about this lifestyle, I would ask them to read the above and ask themselves- would they deny this therapeutic tool to those who need it.

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