Oh, Because They Are Hot!

“Oh, Because  They are Hot!”

I know, I know here he goes again, but this is something that will really make you think about play, what you are willing to let someone do to you, and why you are letting them doing it to you. Now, I am writing this from the s-type’s side of things because I mostly identify that way and this seems to affect us more due to control and power exchange scenarios. Let me start off by saying I think everyone should think of Kink and BDSM with these two rules in mind: 1) Don’t be a dumbass and 2) If it sounds like a bad idea, it probably is.

I didn’t come up with these; they were generously donated by Miss Morgan Sterling, but I utilize them myself as well as when I am teaching. Simply put a lot of people let others do Fucked Up things to them simply because they are attractive or look a certain way in the outfits they choose to wear. I know you are probably thinking “this is a ridiculous notion, nobody does that”, but deep down you know you have seen it. For a lot of people the visual part of kink is a huge driving force in what they want in a partner or even a relationship. Let’s face it we all go to play spaces and see others and go “Wow! They are hot!” I am sure almost everyone has done this before. I know you are nodding your heads in affirmation. This is a fairly natural thing to do. Most want to be attracted to whoever we desire to play with and there is nothing wrong with that. However, submitting to someone because of how good they look or what they wear is going to get you into a lot of trouble if that is all you base your submission on.

Being attracted to someone can be amazing in so many ways, but blindly submitting your body to scenarios because you think someone is “sexy” seems to be a bit of a scary idea. It almost falls into the “stranger danger” category of play. What I mean by this is, I watch people allow others to do things to them and they have no idea what they are getting themselves into. Just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean they have the skillset for kinky play or BDSM. It means they have a good wardrobe, have a good body, nice hair, nice teeth, good makeup skills, or any number of things. It doesn’t automatically mean they have the skills to do things they want to do to you. If you know nothing about someone and they suggest doing a rope suspension or hitting you with a single tail, would you let them do it because they are “hot”? I am hoping you are saying “NO” right now. I am serious about this. I guess the thing I hope people understand is please vet someone before engage with them in ways that may cause you physical and mental harm. Is it worth a trip to the ER because they looked amazing in a leather vest or high heel boots?

Now, the even crazier thing about this topic is that people usually don’t let this happen just once because of the sense of wanting to be with a particular someone so bad they would let them injure them. Yes, of course you can always say yellow and red, but will you for fear of that person not wanting to play with you again . This is a very real construct that goes on in many s-types’ heads who don’t perceive themselves as having self worth or because they haven’t played in so long that they don’t want to lose that sensation of being wanted by another. The question you have to ask yourself is, “What price is play and being in someone’s presence worth?” Is it worth bodily harm or worse, mental and emotional harm. The hardest thing as an educator is watching these scenarios go down. It is very difficult because I want to say something, but I have learned that people often have to make their own mistakes to eventually listen and grow from their errors. I can offer my opinion, but if they don’t listen to it, I have no way of forcing them to, nor would I want to force anyone to do anything they didn’t want to do.

To wrap this up a bit, I just hope that people understand the potential danger they put themselves into when they allow their desire to be with someone based solely on their appearance be the determining factor. If your risk profile says I am game for it and “what could go wrong?” more power to you. I just ask that you don’t post pics of things done to you on a fetish website and act like what was done to you was the proper or correct way to use an implement by someone who actually doesn’t know the correct way to use the implement based on the pictures. Remember that vetting people is a great way to keep yourself a bit safer. Things can always go wrong in a scene and people can accidentally do things that end up badly, but if your play partner for that time is a knowledgeable and skilled individual and  understands and acknowledges what went wrong, you know you are in better hands than those of someone who you don’t know and is just “Hot”.

About the Author

Jay has been around the Kink Community for 20 years or so and has explored a lot of different things in that time. Jay has known he enjoyed the s side of the slash since he first began his journey-all though at first he didn’t know what it really was, but he just seemed to like it. He also is a latex fetishist with a really big like for exploring edgier types of play, and has been known to indulge in interrogation, intense predicament bondage, heavy sensory deprivation play, breath play, and many other interesting kinks and fetishes. Jay is also an active outdoor enthusiast with a love of skiing, rock climbing, cycling, mountain biking, flying, hiking, and paddle boarding.  He also indulges in movies, books, art, music, and is an avid fan of baseball both playing and watching.
Over the last 8 years Jay has also delved into teaching and educating on many different topics. He created a sub panel, which he presented at Stockroom University on several occasions. With a few other male submissives he helped form the Sub Male Support Group for LA as well.
On several occasions Dr. Patti Briton has asked  Mistress Hudsy Hawn, Jay, and others to educate future sex therapists on the subject of kink. He has had the opportunity to speak several times about the Art of Saying NO, helping to give people a voice in the community, and not being afraid to stand up for themselves.  Jay also had the chance to do a Ted Talk at the Threshold Clubhouse on how wearing latex can be turned into an entire scene, and has had the amazing opportunity to be a demo bottom on several occasions for Midori, Mistress Morgan Sterling, Miss Hudsy Hawn, and The Baroness Kitty.
Furthermore, Jay was asked to copresent a class on negotiation with Jennifer Masri at the Threshold Clubhouse.  Recently Mistress Bella Bathory and Jay were able to go to USC and present to graduate and under graduate students about the kink lifestyle and what BDSM really means. Jay is always giving of his time and knowledge in the scene, and attends munches, support groups, talks, and gatherings.


  1. edgeofdoom says:

    Excellent points. Spot on

  2. genderbender101 says:

    Everyone in the scene should read this

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