Opinion: “We are special because we are D/s”

handcuffed couple

I read a writing today.

It’s good to see someone talking over the pain a breakup can be. Especially a man, who seem to weigh in too rarely.

It’s not good to see it based on this concept:
“Anyone in a long term, committed D/s relationship can attest to the fact that the level of intimacy, trust and communication is unparalleled and can not be duplicated in a vanilla relationship.”

Really? WHY do we have to try to elevate ourselves above other groups so much? Where is this myth coming from?

Confirmation Bias, It’s A Thing

Just to be clear what I’m talking about here:
Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.

Let me explain a bit… (italics in this section are there for a reason)
So many people come into this lifestyle (We’ll talk about D/s, but know that I mean any lifestyle, including kink, swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, gay, lesbian…) after a lifetime (however long THAT is) of looking for MORE out of life.
Most come here with several failed relationships tucked into their catalog of experiences.

Many come with some idea that THIS may be the THING. Maybe they watched porn, or had dreams of tying people up, or are just naturally bossy. Who knows? Doesn’t matter.

They come, and they see all this companionship and acceptance and traditions and people bowing and kneeling, and think, “A HA! This is awesome. THIS is what I’ve been looking for.”

And so, they throw themselves into it. They join discussion groups, they meet like-minded people who share their views. They are accepted for who they are. They have deep discussions. They participate in activities that bond them with their communities and other individuals.

They have found their place. They have NEVER felt so much themselves, before, ever.

Their next relationship is AMAZING. It’s full of new discoveries, intimacy, and openness and honesty they have never experienced before.

And they KNOW it’s because THIS WORLD, this one they are a part of is just inherently better, because it stresses truth as part of the culture. It stresses soul and trust, and communication as part of it’s relationship strictures. It stresses leadership and roles.

Ok, aside from the specific sections up there that I italicised, this experience is NO DIFFERENT than those who are born again.

That is confirmation bias.

You are searching. You want something. You find something, and think, “YES!” and your mind goes about proving it to be true to you.

And that’s cool! It really is. And it’s probably true. FOR YOU. After all, this relationship you’re in now, is always more likely to be better than the ones before. Because you have experience. And because you are in it now. Very few people go into their next serious relationship thinking, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just take something less than what I had before, since that worked out so poorly…”

And frankly, I’m happy for those who find religion, and make it work for them, too.
However, I am not so happy with those who feel they are somehow the only ones with the knowledge of what’s best, because they finally found something they can believe in, and fit themselves into. That’s just wrong.

But… The TRUST!
Aside from the acknowledged power exchange, a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship by definition do not have other differences.

Same with a swingers relationship, minus swinging.
Same with a kinky sex relationship minus the kinky sex.
Same as a marriage with children minus the children.

Yes, relationships can be built without 100% trust in the vanilla world. They can in D/s as well. They are. ALL THE TIME.

Logically:
There is no such thing as 200%, 110%, or even 100.000001% of you, of your trust, of your effort. There is just 100%. All the trust you have. All there is. Imagine that that last 1% of trust is that of Abraham to God when commanded to kill Isaac.

Do you have THAT trust in your partner? The trust that would allow you to follow that command, knowing that their is greater good for you in it?

Only you can answer that. I do NOT have that kind of trust in my relationships, D/s or no. I will not kill on faith for the man I love most in the world. I don’t think he’s going to hold that against me, or suggest that I am ‘less true’ in my love for him.

I Call Bullshit

I’m leery of those who suggest that “vanilla” folks cannot trust as much as D/s people. Or that those relationships do not lend themselves to trust.

I do believe that coming into the world of D/s, most people are exposed, for the first time, to a lot of writing and discussion about what makes relationships work.

And many put it into practice for the first time.

However, I know that YOU know, personally, plenty of relationships in D/s that do not communicate much. Some less than the vanilla people you know.

I’m even willing to go so far as to say that D/s communities STRESS trust and communication and such more than vanilla communities. There might even be more of it in D/s relationships, because of making it a priority.

But we are NOT the only one. I promise you that.
And to suggest that we are, and that you are, because you are part of this group is the height of arrogance.

Furthermore, to suggest that you actually know what goes on in other people’s relationships that you have no part in (regardless of what they tell you), and then to compare yours to theirs to make yours look better is just masturbatory self-congratulations.

Do What Works

This is one of my mottos. And I’m stating for the record:
If your D/s relationships are the most intimate and trusting, and {insert whatever positive thing here}, ever FOR YOU, then shout that to the world. I’m happy for you.

Just don’t use that as a judgment call against the sum totality of all other relationships. Life and logic don’t work that way.

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of
interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work
can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

Comments

  1. Blakenstein says:

    This has some great insight. I had no idea that I was indeed slightly prejudiced.

  2. I think that fear of commitment is just BS. Most of the time the guy just ISN’T into that puirtcalar girl like that, so they use the commitment fear excuse to avoid keeping it real with the woman. In reality, it’s either 1. Look, I’m a man whore. And I can’t keep slayin these hoes if I’m tied down to YOU 2. Look, I like you enough to chill and have sex, but I can’t take you home to mom. Sorry But trust me, there’s always that ONE woman that’ll get that ONE guy sprung enough to commit

  3. Richelieu says:

    There is something behind the attitude that there is more trust in D/s relationships than in vanilla ones, something dangerous and perhaps even evil. It is thinking those in such relationships are more trustworthy. I’ve met some wonderful people in the scene and yes some I would trust with my life. I’ve also met some pond scum who if they said the sky was blue I’d want to check myself.

    To those new to this please do not fall into the self congratulatory trap, it may blind you to the dangerous people in the D/s world.

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