Power Exchange Dating: Part Two

Read part one here.

Dating Search for the Just Right Dominant

How can I know if my dating partner is The One? When we consider this question in a dominance/submission light it becomes more than just a dating advice question. Let’s consider how a dating person might sharpen their focus to increase the likelihood of finding their D (dominant).

This is the second of three articles that consider what issues to keep in mind if you want to ease on into a D/S (M/s) partnership. This article is for those who seek a D-type.

Things to Know from the Get-go
1. First, distinguish in your own mind that you are different from the general dating crowd.
2.You want a life partner who is strongly committed to power exchange. You want them to build a long-term sustainable loving relationship . . . with you.
3.Consider what you have to offer a potential mate, as well.
4.Then, date. Have fun. Think of dating as your own personal system of discovery.
5.Your goal should be to settle into dominance/submission partnership.
6.Last, always be headed toward negotiations. Negotiations officially mark the beginning of a wonderful structured (agreement-based) relationship.

How Prepared are You to Be a Partner
Yes, it really is a good idea to give some honest thought to your own preparedness. Think “partner” all the while you are dating. “Partner” in short means being a continuously active contributor toward the good health of the relationship. So, what do you have to offer? Maybe, you are college-educated or highly skilled. Are you a professional chef or a wonderful home cook? Organizational skills? How developed are your soft skills such as being a really good listener, having patience, being observant?

How able are you to speak about your needs? Can you speak up for yourself? It’s a good idea to work on being a clear communicator.

In the Big Picture What Should a D-type Be?
You want to see self-assurance, self-respect, and evidence that self-development is important. What kind of dominance/submission is this person practicing? The dominant takes the most responsibility for structural elements like where the relationship is going and monitoring the health of the relationship. Is this the relationship container that you want to walk into and live within? How much experience does this person have? Do you mind if they have little experience and are proposing that you learn together? If that’s the case, then what’s their plan for learning?

What are the Traits of Your Ideal D–type?
Notice how your date behaves with other people. How decisive are they? How kind are they? Where is the evidence that they genuinely care about others? Know what your Dealbreakers are.

Write down your own deeply-held Must Haves. Perhaps you feel a deep thrill inside when you submit to a big-bodied, physically strong dominant. Perhaps, what your Deeper Self is hungry for is a big brain intellectual. Maybe at the top of your list is a very spiritually-oriented dominant. Maybe an energetic, fun, goofy personality or a sports lover is what gets your gut excited.

What Should You Avoid While Power Exchange Dating?
Vet your prospective dominant. Your search is for someone who is ethical and caring. Ask the person you are dating for references and check them. If they balk then consider their absence in your life as no loss.

Remember—deference is in your submissive hands. You and the dominant should be able to talk explicitly about control. As long as you are comfortable with the slanting of power and control then great. Did it happen at a deliberate pace that makes you feel good? Are you giving up some control because you want to do so?

You want to avoid manipulation and power grabs. Dominance does not mean domineering. Dominance should always mean true leadership. A real leader practices Power With, not Power Over. Power With refers to sharing, true consent throughout the relationship, inclusiveness, excellent communication strategies, and empowerment for all. Power Over equals abuse.

Use your intuition to stay safe. It’s a natural alarm system. Listen to it and ACT. If a situation supports your empowerment then go forth. If your gut is gripping tight even a little then HOLD UP. If things are questionable now during dating don’t think that they will improve once you, two, commit. Don’t make excuses for the other person’s behavior.

Don’t feel stuck. Ever. Initial consent is not final. Repeatedly review if you have what you want and if this is what makes you giddy.

Always be Headed toward Negotiations
Now, you are considering this person seriously. You will have noticed an easy partnership forming over time. Time for formal negotiations. Some people like relationship contracts, a non-legal document that sets down your agreements. It feels great to form agreements and live by them. With or without a contract, your joint intention is to meet all needs. Go forth into your wonderful future as a healthy, happy D/s (M/s) couple negotiating again and again as needed.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.


  1. i like “how prepared are you to be a partner”. most people do not understand how much it takes to be in a D/s dynamic. It’s not just being served all of the time. there has to be the “exchange part”

  2. Thanks for the comment. It is important to me to focus on what it means to partner. It’s not easy but doing the work of relationship is very rewarding. Still, partnering is not for most people, vanilla or D/s oriented.

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