The Power of Punishment

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How many of us have continually blamed ourselves for things we have done in the past? How many of us have had a partner remind us of our mistakes in a sarcastic or passive aggressive manner?

I feel the answer would be “yes” for most of us.

It’s human to have emotions that make us wants to hold onto things. It’s normal to make a mistake, blame others, and feel bad for what you have done or what has been done to you. However, it’s not healthy to hold onto the bad forever. We need to forgive ourselves, and we need our partners to forgive us as well (or the relationship is doomed to fail).

I have found the best way to do this is through receiving a punishment.

In our home, punishments aren’t given to make me feel worse. They are given so I can learn from my mistakes, so I can feel I have paid the price for what I have done, and so both my Master and I can move on from the incident knowing that it has been properly dealt with.

After the punishment is over, we hold no grudges towards each other. We even have a rule that the incident is not to be brought up again once the punishment has been completed. We always have a discussion about the infraction, and my Master will put in new rules and protocols, if necessary, to help reduce the chances of the incident re-occurring in the future.

With any punishment, the D type must figure out the why the misdeed occurred, and, if necessary, come up with ways to reduce the chances of it occurring in the future. That’s the only way a punishment can be truly effective. If a s type doesn’t know why they are being punished or the true magnitude of their mistake, the misdeed could keep occurring over and over. And who wants to deal with that?

D types should always assess whether their s type is actively defying them or if there is something else going on.  A genuinely devoted s type will not actively disobey, unless that is something the D type wants to see in the dynamic. Some D types are into brattiness and youthful defiance, but I am not talking about that here.

Consistency is also key in making punishments effective. No matter how tired you are, D types always need to rise to the occasion and punish their s types if necessary. Inconsistency will create confusion in the dynamic, making the s type feel uncared for and/or even cause the s type to think they can get away with breaking rules. I actually feel upset if I forget to do something and I am not at least spanked by my Master for the infraction. I need that closure.

One of the most important things with regards to discipline is that the punishment should also always fit the offense. Many factors should be taken into account when giving a punishment, such as: frequency, the offense itself, the circumstances surrounding the incident, the s type’s state, the d types state etc.

My Master usually spanks me for minor infractions, and will use other means of punishment if the offense is more serious, or has occurred before. In the past, I have been given writing assignments, chores, and have had things withheld such as my work out classes or orgasms. All of these were very fitting to the specific offense, and my Master gave each of them a lot of thought before giving them to me.

A punishment should not be enjoyable for the s type, but should also never cross a hard limit. I would suggest, if you are going to use something physical like spanking as a punishment, to have a specific item you only use for disciplinary action. This toy/tool should be something the s type doesn’t like, but does not cross any hard limits either. For me, my Master’s implement of choice is a ruler, which I have grown to dread the sight of.

I also feel it is very important to thank your D type for taking the time to punish you. Punishing a s type means that that D type cares about the growth of the relationship and of the s type. Punishing is often very difficult for D types, so saying thank you can go a long way. In our home, we have a rule that I must thank my Master after any punishment. This helps me to show my gratitude for his commitment to my growth and the overall health of the relationship.

D types should never punish out of anger either. To ensure this never happens, in our home, Master does not have to punish me right away. He has 24 hours to give me my punishment. He will also let me know when he wants to talk about the incident. It’s always a good idea to have something like this in place to avoid not knowing what to do or what to expect when a rule is broken. It also allows the D type to punish when he or she is emotionally able to.

We are all human, and in any relationship people will anger or frustrate the other- no matter how much you love each other, how devoted you are, or how many rules you have. Because of this, it’s always wise to have some kind of protocol in place if an s type were to break contract. Some D types, may not want to punish, and that’s totally okay. But something should be put in place, whether it be a warning, punishment, correction, discipline, or exit clause if all and/or certain rules are broken.

Our punishment and reward system works very well for us because it allows us to move on from any misdeed very quickly. It puts an end to the incident in a physical way, which helps to alleviate any mental tension. It provides closure, acceptance and self-growth. It brings us closer as a couple. It also gives Master and me the space to talk about the incident, and to get ahead of any issues that might be forming.

Even though I never want to disappoint my Master, when I do, I am very grateful that he takes the time to punish me, so we can both gain closure and move on from any negative incident that occurs. I hope this article gives others ideas on how to accomplish these wonderful things too.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching Kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year, and is also proud to announce that she will be presenting two workshops at the BDSM Writers Con in Seattle and New York.

Slave Bunny graduated Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology and has ample experience in the mental health field. She is also a NASM certified personal trainer and was declared “One of the Top Five Personal Trainers in the LA District” in 2016.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Comments

  1. You made a really good point about punishment. It really DOES help us both get over things faster when I’ve done something wrong and receive my punishment for it.

  2. Our D/s dynamic is based on pleasure rather than punishment. For us it’s all about sexual ecstasy through extreme sensation in the context of domination and submission. Most things that people do as punishment we regard as pleasurable foreplay. Using these things to discourage some particular behavior would have the reverse effect of reinforcing that behavior. And I have no desire to inflict sensations on anyone that they will not enjoy even if those same sensations in a different context might prove unpleasant. There is also some element of anger in punishment dynamics that is inconsistent with our affectionate way of interacting as master and slave. She gives willingly and I accept gratefully. When, as inevitably happens in long-term relationships, one of us does something the other doesn’t like, we prefer to work out our differences as equal adults through conversation and resolution. We wouldn’t want to contaminate our enjoyment of BDSM by combining it with some expression of disapproval, when in fact we’re much more about rewards than punishments. I do what I do to my partner because she and I both find satisfaction in it. While I certainly have the right under our definition of the relationship to punish for things that displease me, I’d prefer to give my slave the opportunity to make good by using her imagination to find a way of pleasing me to make up for it. This is not a judgement regarding anyone else’s approach to things, as we all find our own way here, but it is meant as the presentation of an alternative approach. There is so little conflict in our marriage after fifteen years there are few issues that could be resolved by punishment in any case. My slave so rarely errs that occasions theoretically appropriate for a punishment session virtually never arise.

  3. P.S. We do, however, deliberately create challenges and explore limits by consent, but that, again, is about the pursuit of pleasure, however exotic and unconventional.

  4. Slave Bunny says:

    Thank you so much for the comment, Cailey, it has helped us a lot in our relationship too.In so many vanilla relationships, things are stuffed, “slid under the rug”, and not properly dealt with. Punishment, in many forms, allows for learning, growth, and closure.

    May I ask what kind of punishments you have found most helpful/beneficial?

  5. Slave Bunny says:

    Thanks for your thoughts, Ernest. Different things work for different people, and I appreciate you sharing what has worked for you and your slave for so many years. I have found that punishments work very well for us, but I totally understand it may not work for everyone. Just to clarify, it is never part of our play and has no sexual component. And we always talk about the error that occurred, and instill protocols and/or new routines/systems if the issue calls for it. We are all about being proactive, as you have stated as well.

    I guess what it comes down to is- find what will make you the most proactive couple that you can be so you can live the happiest and healthiest life possible. And that can be so many different things for many different kinds of people.

  6. Come get me. I wanna play and am new to all THIS

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