Can We Recognize Each Other

Names of people and places changed to ensure anonymity.

I believe that people in “The Lifestyle” or fairly serious into BDSM can recognize each other. I mean in everyday life, not in a club. For me it’s little things that give it away. I am talking about everyday objects, clothing, behaviour or things people say. I can be wrong, but personally I have a number of occasions and examples that strengthen my believe. Of course, I can be wrong. As always, I’m open to be disagreed or agreed with.

I’ll start with a longer story and finish with two more short examples and with what I mean with everyday objects, clothing, behaviour or things people say.

I used to commute into London by train. A journey many people make on a daily basis. One morning I noticed this lady, there was something about her that intrigued me. I started to ensure I took the same train as her. She was never alone, always with a female friend. Our eyes caught every now and then and always locked a little longer than, I guess, needed. Her friend noticed this and clearly didn’t like me. The stares I got from her; The, if looks could kill kind of stare. For context, this was a 07:00am train.

One morning, it was raining. Boy was it raining. She and her friend were there as well. Suddenly she handed me a tissue, as my glasses were dripping. Actually, all of me was soaked. Her friend clearly disapproved of this. I said thank you and that was it. Remember, 07:00am commuter train is hardly a place to strike up a conversation.

Finally, one morning, she was there. Her friend, nowhere to be seen. I dig out a business card, stand next to her at the door and say, once again thank you for the tissue. Here is my business card, call me if you want to meet up for a drink. If you don’t call me, no problem.

Later that morning my phone rings. Hi, it’s Deirdre, from the train. Hello, I say. That’s a pleasant surprise. How are you? We chat a bit and agree to meet later that week at our arrival/departure station. We decide that having a drink near home is better.

We meet at the station and locate time of train and platform. It’s a, let’s call it “vanilla” discussion, well we are in a train in the end. What line of work we are in. Where we are from, because neither of us was British. Arriving at the station, we decide on a near by bar. At a certain moment she asks why I was interested in her.

Keep in mind, that her dress sense was conservative, classic and business. She also wore glasses. The thing that made me interested I told her was her make-up. It was just a little different than most women with that dress sense would wear. She asked me to explain. I said, well it looks like you enjoy being in control, dominating and you know what you want. I used the word dominating on purpose, as it’s not a mainstream word, I think. She picked up on that and asked what I meant. I said, well I can be wrong, but I’m pretty sure you could well be a dominatrix. Her answer was along the lines of, you’re not totally wrong there. We left it at that and had another drink.

When we left, we agreed to meet up for dinner later that week. So, jumping to later that week, we met up for dinner. As if there hadn’t been a few days in between, the conversation continued about dominatrix and BDSM. I explained it was her dress code, body language and make-up that convinced me. However, I realise I could be wrong. But the fact you are here I said, means I’m probably correct. I excused myself as I needed to go to the toilet, bend over and kissed her lips. When I came back, she said, you didn’t have approval for that. I may need to punish you. Not here I hope, was my reply. We finished our dinner and agreed to meet up Saturday evening. I agreed to pick her up at her house.

I arrive at her house. I’m invited in. She says let’s talk. Which we did. I mean talk. She then told me she used to be a professional Mistress/Dominatrix. We talked about how I believe I and probably others can recognize each other. We came to the conclusion that it’s not fool proof, but it made sense.

That’s my story. As the story isn’t about what we may or may not have done, I won’t go into detail.

What everyday items or look am I referring to?

  • A scarf around the neck
  • A choker
  • Make-up
  • Certain shoes or boots
  • Subtle use of a leather item
  • Body language

It has to be understood, that I’m very easy in throwing in comments to suss out if a person is in the lifestyle. The use of words or sentences. Subtle but not so subtle it’s hard to pick up.

The other story, which is a lot shorter added conviction to my believe of the above. I just had a new girlfriend and we had dinner one evening. This was after we already established, she was very dominant, and I was happy to be submissive. She asked what attracted me in her. We were colleagues, and when she joined, I told some of my team, keep here away from me, she is dangerous. Then one day I failed, and we started dating.

I said, it’s like vampires, we recognize each other. With her it was similar as with the above story. She was in control, business dressed but there was something overtly erotic about her. During meetings, she was in control. She wrapped men and women around her finger. By being knowledgeable, professional and conservative sexy.

I hope you enjoyed the above. Feel free to reach out.

About the Author

Mid fifties male BDSM Switch. Pan/Sapio-Sexual
Grew up in The Netherlands. I live in London, UK
I was about 16 when I got my first intro, via magazine, text only, into BDSM.
Worked, dated, lived, made friends and enemies in various red light districts around Europe
I’m not a 7*24 lifestyle practician of BDSM. I love variety.
Only recently picked up writing about my experiences and my fantasies/fiction.
Hope that my writing either excites people, helps them, advices them or challenges them.





  1. princesspuddles says:

    i like this topic. It provides a lot of real world application

  2. waywithwhips says:

    Excellent points and perspective

Speak Your Mind