The Bratting Lies

Lies Regarding Brats, As Told By Brats

As I have done before, this week I’ll be sharing a piece of my 50 Lies Told to New People about BDSM book. Today it’s brats and bratty behavior.

The lies are:
33. Bratting is totally normal and acceptable behavior.
33a. Everyone has to tolerate brats.
33b. If Doms don’t like brats, they’re weak and don’t know how to handle a brat.

  1. No, it’s not.
    33a. No we don’t.
    33b. No we aren’t.
    33b. And oh, yes, we do! 

Not tolerating it means we don’t like it, don’t consent to it, and have no time for it. We don’t want that kind of behavior in our lives. We have better things to do than deal with someone who manipulates their dom in order to to get what they want.

We’re allowed to have those preferences because it is our house and our relationship. If we want someone who knows their place; does what they’re told; and actually submits to what is wanted, when it is wanted, then we have the right to uphold that personal standard.

Every time the brat war comes up, the self-professed brats prove to me precisely why I don’t tolerate that kind of behavior. They will argue that a brat does too submit. But the meanings of the words are completely contrary. One cannot be “disrespectful/manipulative” and “respectful/obedient” at the same time. As far as I see, the two concepts are mutually exclusive. If a person is one, they cannot at the same time be the other. Language is not fluid enough for brat to ever be a good thing in the Merriam Webster.

Sulking and complaining about doing a task, mouthing off the entire time you’re doing, it isn’t being obedient. Nor is it doing what you’re told. It’s whining and complaining about fulfilling a role you said you would, that of the submissive. The one who yields to the authority of another.

When they can’t win on that point, they say they “can’t help it!” Yes, you can. A person chooses to behave badly. They do it for their own reasons and to achieve their own goals. I prefer someone who uses their words to express how they feel rather than passive aggressive manipulation to get what they want.

Then they’ll say that those who aren’t brats are boring robots and doormats. Tearing down others to make themselves seem favorable by comparison isn’t exactly mature either. 

They will say anything to make their behavior seem desirable and themselves somehow better than people who don’t behave as they do. 

Well, I’m going to say it out loud. Acting childish to piss someone off and get an angry reaction isn’t a good thing. 

There’s nothing wrong with being a doormat if that’s what a person enjoys. I know a number of people who are perfectly happy being a doormat submissive, and have been in their relationships for quite a long time. 

I’ve never seen a submissive who was a robot, however. “Doing what you’re told” entails a great deal of brain power when the dom doesn’t micromanage or give step by step instructions. It’s much more like the Quarterback tossing the ball to the Running Back and the Running Back decides which way to run to get the completion. The Monarch telling the Chancellor what they want done and the Chancellor deciding how to go about implementing what the Monarch wants.

One of the the self-professed brats actually said in a discussion thread “it’s our job to challenge the dominant.” 

Their job? 

Their job to give their partner grief? Their job to challenge their own partner’s authority? 

No. I don’t accept that for one minute, and neither do a whole lot of other people I’ve spoken with over the years. Far as I’m concerned, it’s just another excuse to get away with crappy behavior. 

In my relationships, the job of the submissive is to do what they’re told (within limits and reason) and support the dominant by making less work for them, not making more work. It’s certainly not appropriate to intentionally cause unnecessary dissention for not reason other than to do it. 

I’ve seen them say they’re “really respectful of where the line is and never cross it.” Yeah, sure you don’t. I call bullshit on that too. There’s a line. They always end up crossing it and causing hurt. It’s just a matter of time. It’s a lesson learned after it’s too late to fix it, and irreparable damage may be done to the relationship. 

I wouldn’t call that a good thing.

All I see is one denial after another, a pile of excuses, intentional manipulation, overt disrespect, outright disobedience, and utterly inappropriate behavior. 

It’s not cute. It’s not funny.

Do You Want an Ally or an Adversary?

Do you want someone to share your life with or do you want a perpetual adversary?

Do you want someone you must continually defeat in all things? 

I can’t fathom living a constant power struggle in which every interaction becomes the Battle of Hastings redux.

I don’t know when this “us vs them” thing happen between subs and doms. I see it as completely counter-productive to a harmonious dynamic. Last I knew, the dominant isn’t supposed to be the sub’s mortal enemy. Increasingly, this is exactly what I’m seeing. 

I do not see how a relationship–any relationship, not just a d/s one– can thrive when it’s based on distrust, dislike, and this constant fostering of invented adversity. 

Personally, I want my partner to be just that. My partner. We’re a team. Us vs. the World. We are both the one person who understands best and is the safe harbor. The home is a sanctuary away from all the external conflicts faced every day. I have lived that kind of harmony and it’s glorious. The last thing I would ever want is to create an atmosphere in the home that my partner dreads coming home to.

Of course there are doms, tops, sadists, etc, who enjoy bratty behavior in their sub/bottom. I’m not saying there isn’t. I’ve told many brats that if they find someone who enjoys that behavior, then they better hold onto that person for a good, long time. One day they may fall in love with someone who won’t put up with it, and the world as they know it will be over.

I once had a self-professed brat say that she would like me to play with her. I told her she could not do that running away from the paddle thing I’d seen her do earlier in the evening. I was not going to play that game. She would have to stand there and take it (paddling and caning) or I’d never play with her again. I would get her where she wanted to go; but it would be done my way, in my own time, and she had to be patient and let go that control. Bouncing on her feet was fine. It’s normal. Wiggling her butt was fine. It’s common. Foot stomping was fine. None of that moves a person off the apparatus they’re leaning against. 

She agreed and we began. 

During that play session, she learned a very valuable lesson: That she could get far more from me in being good and doing what was expected of her than she could steal in pretending to be bad. 

She’s never once bratted on me in the years since.

Brat As the Newest Kink Fad

Bratting has become a kink unto itself, like “training”, rope play, after care, and feet. 

Like any other kink, if you enjoy it and get off on it…great! I’m happy for you. 

But make sure you hook up with someone who consents to that sort of behavior. Enjoy each other thoroughly.

Also like any other kink, you have to respect that it is not enjoyed by everyone

Insulting those who don’t engage in your kink is unseemly behavior regardless what that kink is. 

Consent applies to brat behavior too. Forcing your behavior on those who do not consent is as much a violation as inappropriate touching.

But no one ever thinks about that.

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for 30 years in private and 10 years in public venues. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon.

You can read the rest of the 50 lies in Amazon:

You can find more of her work in Fetlife:

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.


  1. decides which way to run to get the touchdown


  2. As you point out, there are many more subs who say their dominants like the challenge of bratty behavior, than dominants who say they do! The only dominants who I’ve every heard say that they enjoy a brat speak as though the opposite of “brat” is “doormat”…and argue that they would rather have a feisty sub than a spineless one. The problem is, spineless is not the opposite of obnoxious…as I see it, the opposite of “brat” is “well-behaved, considerate, and submissive”. I believe that having a submissive makes your life easier, not harder. I’m not big on manipulation – in either direction…so I fall in the “Brat? No Thank You!” camp!

    – Rika.

  3. Ernest Greene says:

    Bravo! Brilliantly reasoned, brilliantly explained and ever so timely. Our world seems overrun with these little nuisances and there appear to be more every day. Perhaps someone’s breeding them somewhere. “Brat” is simply a euphemism for “rude little baggage who doesn’t get it.” Consensual BDSM is about giving and receiving pleasure (if in unconventional forms). At its best it’s motivated out of a desire for intimate connection. How does this square with the creation endless conflict for its own sake? It just doesn’t. As you say, BDSM partners are meant to be allies, not adversaries. This does not mean one partner simply inflicts whatever on the other. There can and should be a healthy exchange of ideas accompanying the practices of BDSM that enhance the quality of the experience for all involved. Honest, open communication are requisites for satisfying power-exchange. But that requires mutual respect, the very thing brats proudly reject.

    It seems to me that we may be dealing with yet another lingering effect of Those Books Whose Titles Must Not Be Spoken, which is, at the center, a story about a pair of selfish, childish twits, one an abuser and the other a provocateur. Their “dynamic” consists mainly of bickering with a little sex thrown in occasionally.

    We’ve pretty much accepted this pathology as legitimate because of another new and unwelcome trope arisen in our midst – the whole nonsense of “Your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay.” Of course, we’re a highly heterogenous crowd that allows room for a great variety of principle and practice, but that does not mean anything said or done in the name of kink is automatically okay. Challenging the notion that it is will certainly bring on the attacks over kink shaming, onetwuewayism and being stuck in the Old Guard way of thinking but, given the choice, I’d rather be insulted by those who openly oppose my opinions than by those who are supposed to be my consensual partners.

    If I want to be annoyed and antagonized I’ll go to the office where I get paid for putting up with it rather than the dungeon where I go to get away from that kind of thing.

    Frankly, I think the whole definition of BDSM has been inflated to include all manner of behaviors that really don’t fall under it and I’m delighted to see this called out openly. I don’t have to think very hard to make a list of other self-definitions that become trendy in our midst and ought not to be.

    Thank you for nailing this one good and hard.

  4. I like the brat when I top. As a switch I want someone who playfully teases me and gets my dominant juices flowing. Brats are a type of submissive and this is essentially telling someone they are doing their own kink wrong. For me nothing is more attractive than playful teasing and toeing the line knowing if they cross it they will get punished. If they are within the limits they will get rewarded.

  5. People tell me I’m doing it wrong because I hate rope, don’t do funishment; and won’t wear a strap on and peg a dude.

    Welcome to the internet.

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