The Three Pillars

I see a great many posts here from singles attempting to determine whether they’re too particular, whether they should “settle” for someone. And how they should determine it.

Years ago I had someone tell me about the three pillars of a relationship. I took it to heart, modified it, and made it into a pretty good way to evaluate a potential partner.

The three pillars are:

– Physical: How attractive someone is to you. It’s not just about their looks, but their demeanor, their style, their hygiene, their attitude, and their charisma. Looks aren’t everything, but they certainly do count for something.

– Emotional: How much you “get” each other, how close you are, whether you can process “all the feels”. If you laugh at the same jokes, cry at the same movies, bitch about the same social injustices, then you’re on the same wavelength.

– Intellectual: How smart you are and whether you can interact on the same level. You can be a smart/smart person, a smart/dumb person, or a dumb/smart person, even a dumb/dumb person. But your partner needs to engage, experience, and communicate on the same level as you.

Grade each pillar on a scale of 1-10. Your total score should be 22 or greater with no single pillar being less than a six. Otherwise the relationship is likely not going to be long-term.

I don’t recommend holding out for a 30, as you’ll probably die single. But anything over a 25 is likely a keeper.

It’s worked pretty consistently for me, even if only in retrospect.


Seriously, knock it off with the excuses. I don’t care if you’re shy, introverted, reluctant, nervous, or worried. If you want to get into all of this, step one-point-oh is…

… attend a goddamned munch!

Unless your community is absolute shit (and I gather that some of them are. I’m sorry if you’re in one of those crap areas) then your first munch will be absolutely revelatory.

You’ll meet people like you. They’ll speak your language, grok who you are, what you’re looking for. There’ll be an even mix of guys and gals, tops and bottoms, people of all ages, young and old. And someone will come over and introduce you to the group, make you feel welcome.

From there, all of the other stuff you want to know about the scene will naturally flow. You’ll encounter all sorts of kinks, roles, fetishes, and proclivities. You’ll go to your first party, make some friends, and before you know it you’ll be an old pro!

And you don’t even need be a regular. Hell, one single munch may be enough to make you a mainstay in your local community. And once you meet your “one” you can ditch the community forever if you want.

But you need to get off your chicken-shit ass and go to a fucking munch. No excuses. Find your local munch and just go already!

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 11 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.


  1. Great advice!

  2. newtothis says:

    very well-written

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