Because They Don’t Know What They Don’t Know

Is there some kind of step by step list for negotiating? came the text.

I rolled my eyes and sighed a bit.  I’m not sure why some people think I’m sweetness and light, with answers like Google.  I’m more an odd blend of snark and obedience, but more of the sass to those who don’t command the latter.

Of course, when it comes to answers, it’s important to me to either share the knowlege I have or point people to where it is.  I see no shame in admitting when I don’t know something.  It tends to give weight to my words when I do know and choose to speak them.  Sometimes I keep them to myself unless I’m asked to do otherwise.

Which in this case, I clearly was, right?

I asked a few questions for clarification.  On the tail of the responses came a statement.  I have a feeling you’re about to warn me about a bunch of things.  It’s like my friends know me.

The thing is, being new to kink can be both gloriously amazing and absolutely horrible.  Sometimes all at once.  Maybe you are one of the ones who knows exactly what they like because you’ve been masturbating to it for the last who-knows-how-many years before being brave enough to actually seek it.  It’s more likely, though, that most beginners have ideas about what they’ll like and have to do a lot of trial and error to figure it out for sure.

There’s a reason I advocate taste test-type events.  They are often a relatively low-pressure and low-risk opportunity to sort several activities into the yes and no columns at the same time.

So I reached out to a friend who does some classes and got an email full of resources.  After passing the info on, I smiled.  No doubt the recipient was taking their turn at eye-rolling, thinking me a worrywort.  I had sent checklists and worksheets along with warnings about strike zones for impact play and a cautionary request about setting up a series of safe calls.

The thing is, I’ve been that new person, bubbling with excitement for kink, and I’ve been the one who was burned, with a lovely collection of triggers that have taken me time to overcome.  I see the exciting things that are out there and know the dangers lurking on the horizon for the innocently unaware.

But I’ll continue to be the one who pops balloons and who warns friends that negotiating only does you any good if the other person honors it.  I’ll continue to advise having more than one safe call set up – before, during and after, voice calls so a text can’t be faked, with an address to send police to if you don’t check in and don’t answer the phone at set times.  I’ll do my best to get information to anyone who I know doesn’t have it and wants it.   If I give them more than they needed to make decisions which protect their physical and emotional well-being, I’ll consider that a good day.

In their nievety they may not know what they don’t know.

But I do.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.


  1. nightmaregal says:

    Thank you for providing bits of your own story

  2. Yes, thank you, It makes your articles much more relateable

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