No One’s Ex Owns The Scene

I’ve tried to write this piece before.  Unfortunately, it is hard to talk about things which upset us when we are still emotional.  So this took some time.

We all have ex-people.  Maybe it is an ex-friend, an ex-play partner, an ex-lover, spouse, whatever.  Some relationship stopped moving forward for all of us and we walked away or were left behind.  Maybe we get along fine with our exes or maybe the split was hostile enough that we avoid them.

It may compound the issue if you have some communication challenges with one another.  Perhaps you both struggle to find harmony in their feelings of being wronged, whatever the situation may have been.

We all do so enjoy being the good guy.

Childish behavior may occur.  Staring across the room, deliberate ignoring, even some grouping with friends may happen.

If the other person has been part of their local scene longer, it can feel like an uphill battle.  It might be tempting to walk away, particularly when spotting that person’s name on a Fet event that you’d like to attend.  When people have a lot of friends in their local scene can feel as if they hold the advantage in social situations.

I tend to be a little nervous around people.  As someone for whom big gatherings are a bit scary anyhow, it would be easy to give up on my local scene after having a partnership dissolve.  Whether a casual play relationship that ended in hard feelings or a romantic one that did, the temptation exists to just avoid local events.

Our city is a big place, and Daddy and I have limited time.  You won’t see us at three events every weekend.  You might see us twice a month.  Tops.

When there are groups for submissives, switches, tops, spankos, swingers, book readers, poly people, gamers, short people, littles, primals, and any number of other special interests, plus several larger groups to choose from, one would think it would be easy to safely avoid attending the same things as people we’d prefer to avoid.  We often choose to attend larger events for the classes offered or because our schedules don’t always make attendance at the special interest events possible.  Unfortunately, larger events mean a higher likelihood of having that awkward moment when I hear the person I didn’t want to see standing directly behind my back and very loudly talking but pretending to ignore my presence.

So as someone who had a hard time joining the local scene in the first place, I find moments like that hideous and hurtful.  I also find them good reasons to arrive early and leave early.  Like, thanks for the spanking, it was fun, hate to spank and run, but I have to work in the morning, or some such.

There is one group I can safely say I will never attend now, since my instinct is to avoid awkwardness rather than to court it.  Others I will have to really want to learn what they have scheduled or have plans with friends to find it worth driving across town.  Knowing the possibility exists that I will spend the whole event feeling uncomfortable, it makes me less inclined to drive 45 minutes to and from and pay a cover charge for the experience.

So all of that makes it tempting to just let them have it all.  Let the exes and broken relationships keep the parties and the people.  We already have our own group in a slightly different area, and have a lot of fun together.  We don’t need play parties to enjoy the company of other kinksters.

But we refuse to give up our community.  We may not be as well known, but we also haven’t done anything to deserve not being included.  We will persevere.  Daddy and I will continue to go to events when they have educational opportunities we desire (when we can schedule them).  We will go and say hello to friends, perhaps making some new ones.  He will hold my hand and remind me that one person doesn’t own the local scene, and we have as much right to be there as anyone else.

And when perseverance needs a break, we’ll enjoy the group we’ve built, a small family in its infancy.

Because our ex doesn’t own our local scene.

Neither does yours.

Note:  This is in reference to regular relationships dissolving rather than consent violations or predators in the scene.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.


  1. Thank you for this courageous and inspiring post. It can’t have been easy to write but I hope there’s some compensation in the knowledge that others, myself included, will benefit from it. Having separated a few months ago from my partner of 18 years I can sympathize with the complications of trying to remain a presence in our community without subjecting ourselves to the discomforts of unwanted contacts with former intimates. In fact, for as active as the Los Angeles BDSM scene is, it’s still a fairly tight circle and avoiding awkward encounters with those now in our pasts isn’t always easy. I too find myself wondering if this or that event is really worth the distress of such an encounter. But to surrender to my discomfort at the prospect of finding myself in the same room with someone who wants as little to do with me as I with her would mean giving up a very important part of my life here. I wouldn’t ask it of her and I won’t make the sacrifice myself. Therefore we must step up to the heavy lifting of uncomfortably sharing a milieu that’s important to both of us, doing so in a civil manner and not allowing our residual feelings of anger and loss to obstruct us from finding happiness in the future. It’s a challenging situation, and this isn’t the first time I’ve found myself in it, but over time we must find a new modus vivendi with those for whom we still have conflicted feelings. Accepting that challenge is a necessary part of the process in recovering from our emotional loss.

    • I think that’s an amazing way to look at it. I wish you all the best and much strength as you hold your head high and move forward from where you are.

  2. Niña Traviesa says:

    This is a great post, however, I still struggle with not avoiding the scene because I fly solo, and it’s not the same as having the choice to live the lifestyle without the community involvement like you describe. In other words, not being in the scene means 0 kink / D/s for me, but I don’t seem to emotionally be able to go back. I agree with what you are saying though, no one owns anything…

    • That’s a tough thing. I hope perhaps you can find a smaller group and make some friends. Having some emotional support makes a huge difference.

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