How About A Little Personal Responsibility Here?

I am going to start this off by dispelling some rumors, and I am sure people may get upset with me, but oh well. So be it. We all came to like kink because we “Chose” to participate. I know, what a concept, right?

I know you are all nodding your heads right now. Now, here is where I get myself into trouble. Whatever role you decided to be was a “Choice”. Don’t make me bold it and use all caps (because I will). Seriously though, we choose almost everything we do here in this thing called life.

So, why do so many people shuck their personal responsibility like it wasn’t a choice to do so?People choose to go to munches, dungeons, play parties, gatherings, and other events. Now, I want to make this clear so nobody gets picky on me. There are plenty of terrible individuals out there that do terrible things to people who are unsuspecting, new, naive, or oblivious. With this being said, I don’t hold those who are victimized responsible for the actions of the horrible individuals who exhibited predatory behavior. There will always be terrible people out there; try your best to avoid them.

Lately, I have been hearing a lot of people over the last few years say, “I have a slave heart” or “I am truly DOMINANT and a Master/Mistress.” Ok, this maybe true, but in both instances the people involved chose to partake in these roles. The person who says they have a slave heart, what do you mean? Does this mean you want serve everyone all the time? Is this what you would like to choose? If it is and that is what you enjoy, then awesome, but own it. If you are truly DOMINANT, who is choosing to let you dominant them? Just because you say these things means nothing unless someone is willing to give up their power to feed into yours. When this does occur, are they really giving up complete control? In my opinion, in most instances, people should be able to still say NO or better yet Yellow, or how about RED!!!!

These titles we give ourselves don’t define us entirely either. We all have multiple sides to our lives, well usually. Even the Pro Domme has to submit sometimes (in various ways. We all do at one time or another). She doesn’t always walk around in latex (I don’t know why not) and 6 inch heels. Sometimes, she goes to the gym, to coffee, to graduate school classes, or to the grocery store, I know that is what submissives are for (mildly joking here). My point is, we all have other responsibilities, and as much as we would love to be a slave/sub or a Master/Mistress, we might have to go to work sometimes, and actually be the dominant there or maybe the submissive. With this being said, in our private fantasy lives we are choosing to portray these roles. However, at the end of the day we are all personally responsible for our actions no matter what role one chooses.

We talk a lot about consent, and often don’t talk about our personal responsibility within play scenarios and interactions. It isn’t one sided either because there are two or more involved in this. Two or more form a dynamic to create a scenario of play. All parties are responsible for their choice to participate. We are not absolved of this in our regular day to day lives, so why do we think we can say, “Ahh, Fuck It!” when it comes to our kinky lives?

I heard recently at a party that, “It is the Top’s responsibility to know when I have had enough.” Of course me being me, I asked, “Sole responsibility or partial responsibility?” Didn’t get an answer.

Once again, I am not saying that people should avoid signs. However, as a responsible bottom shouldn’t you during negotiation talk about your limits even if the other parties don’t? You must take responsibility for yourself even if you identify as an s-type.

In closing, on the other side of this is the Top/D-type, and if they decide to overlook the fact that the other person didn’t mention certain things. Maybe, they are new or maybe, they are really excited or maybe, and I know no one ever does this, but maybe they are under the influence.

Now, as the Top/D-type isn’t that the person’s responsibility to know and almost be the authority or lead in these scenarios? Don’t they have an obligation to learn about those they are going to play with? I know that someone saying they don’t like something isn’t sexy, but I am sure there is something you have in common, or maybe you don’t, and instead of forcing something that could end in not such a good way, it’s better to take RESPONSIBILITY and make the CHOICE not to engage in play if the people talking about play do not align in some major way.

I will end it with this. I might be alone or I might be crazy (getting checked next week) or maybe I am as the youngsters say, “OLD SCHOOL” or just plain old. I really believe that when we communicate effectively with each other great things can happen, or better yet, bad things have a tendency to happen a lot less.

About the Author

Jay has been around the Kink Community for 20 years or so and has explored a lot of different things in that time. Jay has known he enjoyed the s side of the slash since he first began his journey-all though at first he didn’t know what it really was, but he just seemed to like it. He also is a latex fetishist with a really big like for exploring edgier types of play, and has been known to indulge in interrogation, intense predicament bondage, heavy sensory deprivation play, breath play, and many other interesting kinks and fetishes. Jay is also an active outdoor enthusiast with a love of skiing, rock climbing, cycling, mountain biking, flying, hiking, and paddle boarding.  He also indulges in movies, books, art, music, and is an avid fan of baseball both playing and watching.
Over the last 8 years Jay has also delved into teaching and educating on many different topics. He created a sub panel, which he presented at Stockroom University on several occasions. With a few other male submissives he helped form the Sub Male Support Group for LA as well.
On several occasions Dr. Patti Briton has asked  Mistress Hudsy Hawn, Jay, and others to educate future sex therapists on the subject of kink. He has had the opportunity to speak several times about the Art of Saying NO, helping to give people a voice in the community, and not being afraid to stand up for themselves.  Jay also had the chance to do a Ted Talk at the Threshold Clubhouse on how wearing latex can be turned into an entire scene, and has had the amazing opportunity to be a demo bottom on several occasions for Midori, Mistress Morgan Sterling, Miss Hudsy Hawn, and The Baroness Kitty.
Furthermore, Jay was asked to copresent a class on negotiation with Jennifer Masri at the Threshold Clubhouse.  Recently Mistress Bella Bathory and Jay were able to go to USC and present to graduate and under graduate students about the kink lifestyle and what BDSM really means. Jay is always giving of his time and knowledge in the scene, and attends munches, support groups, talks, and gatherings.


  1. Go Jay! Such great points! Preach!

  2. dominateme says:

    Love this!

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