Last week’s edition of kinkweekly.com featured a great video, “The Top Five Myths About BDSM.” Our editors stated, “We highly recommend beginners watch this video.” Since there are many new people entering our lifestyle, and everyone was a beginner once, I wanted to expand on this theme.
And voila! Here are my Top Fifteen Tips for newbie Dominants. (The more advanced among you might use this as a refresher course!) Not all of them will apply to you; use the relevant, discard the irrelevant. But taken in totality, they will make your BDSM journey a lot more enjoyable.
Pull it in a notch. Being a newbie Dom or Domme, there is a natural tendency to work a little too hard at coming across as confident, assertive and masterful. Granted, these are traits that are in every Dominant’s arsenal — but only after he/she learns the ropes; it cannot be faked. Often trying too hard to “be the Dom/me” loses the day and you can end up sounding insecure, pretentious and obnoxious. Better to pull it in a notch than be a blowhard. (Old school, but I love that word!) That is very un-Domly.
Everyone was a newbie once. Don’t get bent out of shape if you go to a social, party or some other BDSM function and you are a newbie. Don’t be ashamed of being a newbie. Remember, everyone was a newbie once, myself included. Look at it as a learning experience and have fun with it.
Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with others. The best way to learn things from fellow Doms and Dommes is to tell them you are new and pick their brains. You can’t use the brain pick if you claim to know everything. And don’t lie to submissives about your experience, even if they, too, are newbies. Submissives have great Dom-radar and can flush out a fake pretty quickly. Once found out, you will find your reputation damaged. With the huge propensity for gossip among human beings, the word spreads pretty quickly. Especially negative words!
Find one area in BDSM play that interests you and try to become an expert. For example, if rope bondage turns you on, learn all you can about it. Maybe you can’t master all the types of BDSM play at once, but you can become quite proficient in one area pretty quickly.
Play safely. A pretty obvious tip. Make sure you know all about safe words and BDSM scene negotiations before you play for the first time. Always err on the side of safety when you first scene. If the sub doesn’t safe, if you think you have gone too far, stop. Talk to the sub and make sure he/she is OK. Even if the sub says all is fine, but you believe the limit has been reached, end the scene. After all, you are the Dom/me.
Know yourself. Since the range of BDSM activities is so wide, the more you can get in touch with what you really, really, really want, the easier it will be to choose a sub whom you totally connect with.
Read, read, and read. Read everything you can about BDSM. There are tons of articles here on kinkweekly.com and all over the Internet. You can never have too much BDSM knowledge.
Learn from your mistakes. If you mess up a scene, learn from those mistakes. As they say, you can’t make an omelet without breaking an egg. You can’t learn to scene skillfully without ruining some along the way.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Patience is the key to becoming a Dom/me. You can’t become a Dom/me, especially a good one, overnight. Another aspect of patience is giving your submissive time to submit. Many subs can’t give of themselves until they fully trust their Dom/me. And you can’t build trust overnight.
Know that you don’t know. Although I didn’t end this tip with “my young apprentice,” this yoda-esque advice will serve you well. Humility can be a very Domly trait.
Go to a play party and don’t play. Find out where the local dungeon parties are (there are commercial BDSM clubs in most cities) and go to one — but don’t scene. Just observe. See how others do it before you attempt it yourself.
Offline isn’t online. Online, every sub usually calls every Dom “Sir,” sight unseen. But on your first BDSM “date,” don’t expect the submissive to instantly Sir you up. Respect is earned. If you insist on instant submission, you will usually get instant rejection. Refer back to Tip #1.
Don’t assume, ask. Just because someone says they are submissive, take this as a starting point, not the end point. There are so many differences in submission; one Dom/me’s slave is another Dom/me’s brat. Be inquisitive. What are his/her favorite scenes? Does he/she want to be a 24/7 slave or a weekend play partner? Is he/she into pain and to what level? Don’t ever assume anything; ask questions and find out where the submissive is coming from.
Respect the game. The best way to succeed at any game is to respect it. Don’t try to be a “fake Dom/me” just to get over. Really get into BDSM and try to become the “best Dom/me you can be.” I truly believe a person who plays golf in the low eighties has more fun than someone who duffs around and shoots over a hundred. Same here. If you really respect BDSM, and in turn earn respect from others, you will find out how rewarding it can be.
Don’t forget aftercare. After your first good scene, look after your submissive. Don’t scene and run!
These are my Top Fifteen Tips for newbie Dom/mes. I hope this makes your BDSM journey a safe and enjoyable one.
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.