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Archives for June 2019

Club Awakening- June 29th!

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New to kink? Not new but want to brush up on skills or just enjoy a play party with fresh energy? CLUB AWAKENING is what you’re looking for!

Club Awakening is a party that was designed for newbies in the BDSM scene. It’s been a monthly party since March 2016 at Sanctuary LAX. This party includes 4 set tasting booths plus one surprise booth each month. The set booths are hands on play (spanking, face slapping, etc), crops/canes/paddles, flogging, and rope. You can either feel what these things feel like as a bottom or learn how to do these things as a Top – or both! We even have several volunteer practice bottoms to lend a helping hand (aka butt) so you can practice even without a play partner. Other volunteers float the venue to answer questions and help point you in the right direction.

There are also 2-3 vendors and a midnight raffle – with multiple prizes to win! We provide a coat and bag check for a nominal fee as well as a fun photo booth where you can get pics taken of you and your friends to commemorate the night!

You can get DISCOUNTED pre-sale tickets or pay at the door! (see below for links)

About the venue:

Sanctuary Studios LAX is proud to have been named “Best Dungeon in Los Angeles” by TimeOut Magazine – February 2016

Sanctuary LAX is a Los Angeles dungeon located within close proximity to LAX. It features a state of the art, air-conditioned facility completely rebuilt from the ground up under the direction of Mistress Cyan. Formerly known as Passive Arts, Sanctuary Studios LAX is the largest Dungeon in Los Angeles with more than 7000 sq ft. and a 1500 sq. ft. main room. The location features many rooms (both large and more intimate), high ceilings, and a large variety of dungeon furniture. It is complete with an outdoor smoking patio and a stage in the main room with plenty of seating.

Facebook event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/594327644364903/

Fetlife Club Awakening Group page: https://fetlife.com/groups/138431

Fetlife event page: https://fetlife.com/events/772048

Pre-sale DISCOUNTED TICKETS: https://clubawakeningjune2019.eventbrite.com

When Communication Feels Like A One Way Street

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Communication.

We’ve done our personal introspecting.  We know what we want.  We’ve calmed down about things that we’re upset about.

What do we do when we continue to struggle with communication roadblocks either in our romantic relationships or in our friendships?  Do we get frustrated, blame ourselves, and quit trying to build these new healthy habits, or do we persevere somehow?

Well, it’s likely that you already know my vote is for continuing to work, but that isn’t always the best solution.  Despite my belief that the only way to make relationships work is to get up every morning and decide to continue working on them, there are some times that might not be the healthiest path for us.

We can do our best to be open and honest with people and still not receive those things back.  Perhaps they don’t know how to share in these ways.  This sort of communication takes trust and work.  It is rarely an overnight process.  We have to share a little, feel safe, then continue to expand our sharing as the trust grows.  Knowing it is safe to share those feelings is incredibly important.

We have some advantages.  By practicing communication skills with our kinks and in negotiations, we are laying the groundwork to translate those behaviors elsewhere.  We have to put in the effort to level up that skill set.

Not everyone can build those skills with everyone else.  Some relationships are unhealthy.  Some people are incompatible.  Rather than lifting one another to greater heights, often they bring out the darker qualities in each other.  If attempts at communication are constantly being ignored, if people are keeping score, if one always feels as though they are apologizing, sometimes it takes more than one person making a decision to communicate.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking outside help and resources.

Perhaps that help may come in the form of books written by professionals who understand how to rebuild fractured relationships.  Perhaps it may come in the form of professionals themselves.  Either way, seeking out help is never anything to be ashamed of.  Most of us weren’t raised with the skills to effectively and honestly communicate with our partners no matter how good our parents’ relationships were.  Even if those relationships are / were amazing, it is likely that the heavy lifting of their communication did not happen in such a way that it was passed on to their children naturally.

We all have to fight for it, to learn it for ourselves.  Just because we practice those skills (and I say practice rather than master, as we all have our moments when we are imperfectly human) does not mean that others are equipped to communicate with us that way in return.

Most of us are preprogrammed to be cautious about sharing our feelings.  We see that vulnerability as frightening, and something to avoid.  It often takes a lot for us to open up.  We are often wearing masks which cover our real thoughts and emotions.  When we are rejected with those masks on we think perhaps it won’t hurt as much.  The rejection was not really for us.

By taking off those masks and allowing ourselves to shine brightly for the world to see, we make it a better place.  We strip away the fear and share our stories and experiences.  Others can learn from us.  We offer our vulnerability to the people around us and are rewarded by being seen as strong.  We are lifted up for the gift of truth, as it is a rare gift, indeed.

Unfortunately, sometimes our attempts at nurturing fall on fields which lie fallow.  Barren ground has no nourishment, and a relationship which has no healthy communication brings pain.  Sometimes no other solution can be found and we have to make the difficult decisions to walk away from people who hurt us too much.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Rika’s Lair – The “Type-O” Submissive

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The term “compatibility” pops up a lot in discussions about dominance and submission. “Difficulty finding a compatible partner with whom to establish a power dynamic” is the focus of many of the questions and letters I receive. It’s natural to highlight common tastes as requirements for your relationship search.

Finding a partner for a lasting relationship (assuming it doesn’t happen to fall into your lap) is hard. For those who are actively “looking” for a relationship, it may seem that there are no “compatible” partners out there: Someone who matches your needs and who also finds you equally compatible, is available, and not otherwise burdened with any of those lovely quirks that destroy relationships. For those in the kink world, adding your preferences in power dynamics to your criteria, creates a daunting gauntlet that will challenge any potential partner!

I see an analogy between the task of finding a suitable, compatible partner for power dynamics and the task faced by someone who needs blood. Compatibility, in the latter, is a matter of life and death. Still, in both situations, it feels there is a time constraint as well as a constraint on availability in your location.

Following the analogy, I have begun to compare what people want from their relationships to the “A”s, “B”s, and “O”s of blood-typing. Since the intent of submission, to me, is about acting FOR the dominant – the “dominant-centric” view equates the “donor” to the submissive role.

There are submissives who only want one style of dominance. They have a predefined definition of submission and are only fulfilled when that definition is fulfilled. To find compatibility, they seek dominants who follow a particular style of dominance. These are the “Typed” submissives: They provide “A” or “B” antigens. They are only compatible with dominants of the same “Type”. They are best matched with dominants who share the same kinks, interests, approaches, and practices.

Some dominants are happy playing with subs of any type. They don’t have any particular needs for specific forms of dominance – and can be served by playing to the specific likes of the submissive. The pleasure of the submissive gets them off. These are the “Type AB” dominants – the “Universal Recipients”. They can be served by any type. Often these are people who never considered themselves dominant, but have taken it up with a specific partner and enjoy being able to provide the style of dominance that their partner enjoys.

The unicorn in the room, is the “Type O” submissive. This is the submissive who enjoys the act of focusing on, and serving, the needs and preferences of the dominant before them. They are flexible and adaptable. They don’t carry any particular “Type”. They are not set on any specific style of dominance, no specific form of play. They can serve any dominant, because they are fulfilled by the act of submission itself. They are “Universal Donors”, and while they may have preferences, they are overwhelmed by the need to serve in a way from which the recipient benefits. They measure their effectiveness as a submissive by how well they can serve the needs of their dominant.

As with Blood donors, the “Type O” submissive is a bit harder to find, but is extremely valuable.

There are those who believe that we’re born with our power dynamic preferences preset, but this is where I believe the analogy fails. I’ve found that, unlike blood types, the style of dominance / submission we find fulfilling, is most strongly influenced by our exposure to the topic. People who have

only seen the porn stereotypes of BDSM, or who have only been with one style of partner, tend to be “Typed”. The imagery of what they believe to be possible is limited by that exposure. They adapt it as their preference, because it’s the only imagery they know, and can’t imagine that any other version exists. In fact, I’ve had “Typed” submissives (and dominants) tell me that “Type O” submissives don’t exist….CAN’T exist! I have to introduce them to my husband – and about 50 other submissives with whom I’ve had the pleasure of working, to prove them wrong.

When asked, my advice to submissives, searching for a meaningful dynamic, is to look at the “numbers game” of finding a dominant partner. They’re looking for a dominant, but the odds are against them. Those odds get even worse if they’re already “Typed” and have limited the recipient pool based on “compatibility”.

The good news is, unlike their blood type, they can CHOOSE to become a “Type O” submissive and increase the odds of finding fulfillment, serving a wider variety of potential dominants – increasing their odds of finding the right partner. They can reset their imagery and seek the pleasure of other Types. They are freer to find a partner with whom they are emotionally compatible and work together to adapt a mutually fulfilling power dynamic. Even if, after introspection, they choose to be with a “Type A” recipient, it’s a choice, not an innate property of their personality.

For those who’d like to try, you do this by opening your eyes to the preferences of your potential partner. You divorce yourself of your definition of what submission “has” to be, and replace it by what you learn of THEIR definition. They may be the recipient of your submission, so it needs to serve them in a way they wish to be served. Seek out what submission means to them. Learn that there are other ways to be a submissive than what your experience and exposure has taught you in the past. When you can learn and adapt, you be free to serve the unique dominant before you…and you’ll realize the joy of serving someone for whom your submission fits like a glove. Then the odds of finding the perfect partner will greatly improve, as you become that exceptionally desirable beast…the “Type O” submissive!

I look forward to hearing your feedback. Post a comment below, or email me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com … or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

A Piece of Property

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Master’s voice outside the door, greeting the familiar guard by name, drained the strength from Property’s legs. He went down to his knees, bracing on shaking arms. The knob turned and the door swung inward and his thighs.

Boots first, black with short block heels. Master’s favorite pair for shit-kicking a slave who had pissed him off. Property had known those boots many times over the twenty years since they’d first met. He had certainly angered Master this time, in a flash of selfish desire that had turned the entire world upside down for them both.

Property lifted his gaze too far, and saw Master’s eyes. Hard, black fury with a scowl to match. Death had come for him. His moment of final judgment had arrived and nothing would go in his favor. The same expression he’d seen that night their paths had first crossed.

An expression that caused Property to bolt for the nearest waste can and vomit his empty stomach. This time there would be no reprieve. He’d completely blown his second chance at life in his vulgar self-interest.

Master waited for him to be done and return to the appropriate spot two feet in front of him. In proper kneeling posture, head hanging low, again braced on his hands, Property waited in acceptance of his death.

“At least you understand how badly you screwed up.”

“I do—”

“Shut the fuck up,” Master cut him off in far too calm a tone. “I require no words from you. Anything you say will only make me angrier. That’s not a smart thing to do right now.”

The short snake whip was out of his pocket. One step around to the side and the red and black leather coil opened to hiss through the air and land a hard, striping slice across Property’s bare back. Three more and Master’s boot lifted to his ribs to shove him onto his side. The sharp corner of that block heel dug into flesh between the ribs to cause a pain that shot through Property like a spike. Property fell over, body curving together around that pain. The whip came down half a dozen more times, around his ribs to bite hard into his back. The boot heel kicked him over again, leaving a dent in his skin that would turn into a bruise if he lived long enough.

Property rolled in all directions on the floor, directed by the whip and Master’s relentless, demanding boot. He did not try to hide or escape, did not cover or attempt to protect any part of his body. There was no point to any of that, with the whip nailing him everywhere from feet to neck. If Master wanted to hit a specific area, he knew how to make his slave present that part of the body. One lightning fast, burning, slice after another, the twisted length at the tip drove home just how vehemently enraged Master was.

Property screamed with some, yelped or cried out with others. The one thing he knew not to do was beg. Or plead. No begging for mercy. No pleading “no”. Either would have made Master angrier, if that was possible. Certainly would have made him more vicious.

Powered by Master’s entire arm and back, follow-through ensured that every strike left a stripe of a welt or a weeping, bleeding cut. There was no such thing as mercy this time, as the whip bit and sliced him over a hundred times.

Normally, Property would have to count the strikes and say how many there had been. This time, the whip flew too fast to be counted. Once it began, there was no stopping until Master felt like it. Master had a tireless whipping arm and a bottomless well of fury. His wrath, especially today, was the unleashing of a demon straight from Parin’s Pit.

Today, Property realized, he could literally be whipped to death.

The thin whip curled around his arms and legs, wrapped around his ribs. Master landed the braided popper end to Property’s cock or balls every time they were presented, making sure to punish the greedy organs that had left Master’s wife vulnerable to kidnapping.

All through the punishment, Master said nothing, made not one single sound. Single-minded in his action, tightly focused on issuing this punishment, he had no need for words. When Master had no need for words, the slave knew he was in the most dangerous predicament of all.

As suddenly as it had begun it was done, and Master was standing over him. Cessation allowed Property to give in to his emotions and sob in repeated convulsions. Master waited a moment, to let him quiet enough to be able to hear what Master had to say.

“It’s as simple as this: If I find her and she is alive, you will live. You will suffer every single minute of every single day until I am no longer angry with you, however many years that may take. If she is dead, you will suffer a hundred times longer than she did before I finally end your life. Get up. Get dressed. We’re flying to catch up to Dohan’s ship. He’s following a vessel he thinks she’s being held on. I’ll issue the next round of castigation when we’re on his ship.”

Property had to crawl to his clothing. Even if he’d been permitted to walk, he’d have had to crawl. His limbs were jelly, not fully under his control. He was slow and stiff, testing to be sure his arms would hold his weight every time he moved them. He had to sit on the welts and slices on his ass, painful as it was, in order to put his shirt on. Had to sit there to pull his pants up to his knees and put his socks on his feet. Efficiency was the need of the moment, to conserve his energy. Had to lift a foot to bend the knee in order to put shoes on. Once standing on wobbly knees, he pulled up and closed his pants.

He took the handkerchief from his pocket to wipe the sweat from his face and blow the snot out of his nose before slowly making his way to his feet. He didn’t think to tuck his shirt in and Master didn’t tell him to do so.

He dared not raise his eyes to Master’s again, and Master waited for him no longer. Walking out, he expected Property would follow. Property kept up as best he could, limping with the pain of a stripe along the bottom of his foot and several others that had wrapped around the tops of both feet. In the restriction of stiff shoes, they hurt much more than if he’d been barefoot.

In the steel box of the elevator, he leaned heavily into a rear corner to catch his breath. His eyes caught Master’s reflection in the brass plate, watching him. Property lowered his gaze away. His head swam with the endorphins a whipping always brought out, a combination of dizzy and high he usually enjoyed. There was no pleasure in it today. He felt only resignation. This day had been coming for him for a long time. His own stupidity had brought him this moment.

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

Read the rest of “Property: Punishment of a Dead Man”: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PHV3CC2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

The Evolution Of Limits

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Soft limits.  Hard limits.

No one is truly without limits, even if they say they are.  As soon as we start talking about chewing aluminium foil or chainsaw play, people suddenly realize perhaps they do have some stopping points.

For the new person, excellent starting places are some of the BDSM checklists out there.  Often they list a veritable overflowing cornucopia of activities, and an opportunity to give imput on each.  It gives the new person, in particular, a chance to look through some of the more and less common partner and group pursuits.

For example, a sample section might look like this:

IMPACT ACTIVITIES
Belts  N
Canes  2  (the thuddier the better)
Crops  2
Dragon tails  1
Flogger/cats  5  (love floggers!!)
Paddles  0  <– too stingy!
Single-tail whips  M
Straps  3

The first time I filled out one of those lists, I must have had to look up at least half of the things on it!  What I couldn’t find I asked my play partner for clarification about.  I filled this one out a little randomly to demonstrate.  I used a one to five scale for things I say I am willing to do, with zeros being soft limits and fives being things I love.  I put little M’s for haven’t tried but willing to and N’s next to things that were a solid nope.  The numbers were a scale of how much I liked the things I had previously experienced.  Additionally, I included notes if I had relevant information to share or particularly strong feelings about something.

If that sort of scale is too confusing, it is as simple as listing things with a Y and N, or adding S and H for soft and hard limits.

So my first time filling it out, there must have been N’s next to almost three-quarters of the list.  I was so unwilling to step outside of the walls I had erected for myself.

But that was okay.

My partner respected my limits and was willing to play with me at the level where I drew my lines.

Once we had spent about a month playing in the sandbox I built, I began to realize that those walls were feeling a little confining.  I revisited the list and carefully reviewed all of the items, thinking hard about how I felt when I mentally focused on each activity.

I removed some of the N’s.  I put more things on the list of stuff I was willing to try.  I opened the door to about 20 new activities.

When I presented him with the revised list, he reviewed it carefully, and even made sure to compare it to the prior version so he was very clear what was newly acceptable and what was still on the soft and hard limit list.  Three months later, I took even more N’s ofd of the list.

You see, it is easy to set limits when we haven’t experienced things.  Something sounds scary, so we dismiss it as alien, as clearly unpleasant.  Our limits reflect these fears as well as our experiences.

By allowing ourselves to trust, on both sides of the slash, but in particular on the right side, we open the door for things we might never have known we love.  Of course, the opposite can be true as well.  By experimenting, we can discover that something which sounded interesting is a physical sensation which is too unpleasant to want to repeat.  My personal horror story involves a rubber ring on my clitoris.

We don’t do that anymore.

So as we grow in our experiences, attend testing events, we gradually expand our horizons.  Our limits begin to shift naturally.  By checking in every so often and repeating the same exercise, we can see where the changes have led.  I recommend revisiting around every six months or so when in a trust-filled dynamic or play-partnership which allows for healthy experimentation.  It is possible to find that a goalpost has moved completely while we are paying attention to other things.

At some point in our journeys, we will notice that the expansion slows, or stops.  We have left ourselves open to possibility and have finally reached a place where things aren’t going to change much more, if at all.  By letting trust lead the way, we can truly find ourselves.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

I’ll Share My Daddy But I Won’t Share My Name

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DD/bg (or lg or however you label yours) can be a tricky thing to combine with poly.  It is easy to feel that the strength of the bond prohibits the inclusion of others.

Generally, it tends to be a nurturing relationship, and from what I’ve seen and experienced, can be a bit symbiotic.  Much like adding a sibling can have a period of adjustment, so, too, can adding additional partners to this style of relationship.

Imagine, if you will, that it requires a similar adaptation as going from being an only child to having to share the attention with a new baby, one requiring a lot of attention as the bonding is still in process (also constant crying and feeding and diapers, but that’s less relevant, I think).

I’ve seen people say they prefer monogamy for this style of relationship, and it is definitely true that I see more of the monogamous kink relationships fall under this heading.  That does not, however, mean polyamory is impossible.  It just means it may take a little more navigational assistance.

If nurturing is the default response of domination, the top of the slash partner may find this type of relationship becomes the most likely outcome when beginning any sort of long-term power exchange partnership.  Nurturing two is hardly a leap from nurturing one.

Problems can arise when the bottom of the slash gets scared or jealous.  Some people tend to feel less jealousy when partners seek things we have no hope of providing, such as a bisexual female seeking out a female companion.  They may feel more jealousy when it seems there is another person filling the same roles with their partner that they do.  At that point they may think, why even have two partners?  I am clearly replaceable.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve found one of the ways to separate the concept of my Daddy relationship from another small’s relationship with my Daddy is to choose different pet names.  While we both may address him as Daddy, it is critical for me that he address us differently.  For him to use my pet name, babygirl, with someone else feels bad, wrong to me.  She can have anything else she likes, such as princess or angel or anything else her heart desires.  By having separate petnames, in my mind, it establishes our dynamics as individual things.

It also helps when the DD makes a concerted effort to maintain as many of the standard routines and practices even while juggling new relationship energy.  By showing the first small she is still valued and still receives attention, it reduces the likelihood of serious sibling rivalry issues.

We forget that each relationship takes its own path.  By setting aside insecurities and giving new “siblings” a chance, sometimes we have the opportunity to form close bonds we might have missed out on otherwise.

Tops can fall into traps, too.  When a relationship has progressed from the learning stage, where we begin to learn to communicate specifically with that partner, to the comfort stage, it can be easy to skip steps with new partners, forgetting that the development of that dynamic may need to progress just as slowly as their first one did.  Communication has to be a two-way street.  If only one person is participating, often things fall apart quickly.  This is even more important when adding to a DD/bg relationship.  The smalls need to find balance and learn to communicate with each other as well, whether or not their relationship is a sexual one.  Communication now must go three ways instead of two.

One way we have addressed that in the past has been to have group chats for the three of us.  All discussions happened together, with the exception of financial conversations which involved only our household bills, since we are nesting partners.  Even when he and I were sharing simple things, such as when we left work or arrived home, it kept his other small part of things.

There are lots of different ways people have found security while sharing a power exchange partner.  The important thing is to discover what essential needs must continue to be met in order to ensure overall happiness for everyone involved.  Someone new coming in can feel like an outsider at first, and remembering to treat them with dignity and respect rather than as an interloper can go a long way towards healthier relationships for everyone involved.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

This week in kink news: June 17, 2019

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Check out this article about how pop culture movies can lead to a conversation about BDSM and other sexual desires

Click here to read more

Kinksters talk about how to have consent conversations

Click here to find out more

Don’t miss this study done on BDSM and sexual satisfaction

Click here to check it out!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.

This week in kink news: June 10, 2019

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Don’t miss this article about Iceland’s kinky Eurovision performance

Click here to read more

Want to upgrade your strap on? Then, check out Wild Wolf Leatherwork!

Click here to check out their awesome stuff!

In our opinion schools should include more LGBTQ representation in sex education

Click here to read a great article that supports these views

Do you or have you ever considered watching porn with your partner(s)?

Click here to check out the pros and cons

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”