Archives for June 2019

Communication.

We’ve done our personal introspecting.  We know what we want.  We’ve calmed down about things that we’re upset about.

What do we do when we continue to struggle with communication roadblocks either in our romantic relationships or in our friendships?  Do we get frustrated, blame ourselves, and quit trying to build these new healthy habits, or do we persevere somehow?

Well, it’s likely that you already know my vote is for continuing to work, but that isn’t always the best solution.  Despite my belief that the only way to make relationships work is to get up every morning and decide to continue working on them, there are some times that might not be the healthiest path for us.

We can do our best to be open and honest with people and still not receive those things back.  Perhaps they don’t know how to share in these ways.  This sort of communication takes trust and work.  It is rarely an overnight process.  We have to share a little, feel safe, then continue to expand our sharing as the trust grows.  Knowing it is safe to share those feelings is incredibly important.

We have some advantages.  By practicing communication skills with our kinks and in negotiations, we are laying the groundwork to translate those behaviors elsewhere.  We have to put in the effort to level up that skill set.

Not everyone can build those skills with everyone else.  Some relationships are unhealthy.  Some people are incompatible.  Rather than lifting one another to greater heights, often they bring out the darker qualities in each other.  If attempts at communication are constantly being ignored, if people are keeping score, if one always feels as though they are apologizing, sometimes it takes more than one person making a decision to communicate.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking outside help and resources.

Perhaps that help may come in the form of books written by professionals who understand how to rebuild fractured relationships.  Perhaps it may come in the form of professionals themselves.  Either way, seeking out help is never anything to be ashamed of.  Most of us weren’t raised with the skills to effectively and honestly communicate with our partners no matter how good our parents’ relationships were.  Even if those relationships are / were amazing, it is likely that the heavy lifting of their communication did not happen in such a way that it was passed on to their children naturally.

We all have to fight for it, to learn it for ourselves.  Just because we practice those skills (and I say practice rather than master, as we all have our moments when we are imperfectly human) does not mean that others are equipped to communicate with us that way in return.

Most of us are preprogrammed to be cautious about sharing our feelings.  We see that vulnerability as frightening, and something to avoid.  It often takes a lot for us to open up.  We are often wearing masks which cover our real thoughts and emotions.  When we are rejected with those masks on we think perhaps it won’t hurt as much.  The rejection was not really for us.

By taking off those masks and allowing ourselves to shine brightly for the world to see, we make it a better place.  We strip away the fear and share our stories and experiences.  Others can learn from us.  We offer our vulnerability to the people around us and are rewarded by being seen as strong.  We are lifted up for the gift of truth, as it is a rare gift, indeed.

Unfortunately, sometimes our attempts at nurturing fall on fields which lie fallow.  Barren ground has no nourishment, and a relationship which has no healthy communication brings pain.  Sometimes no other solution can be found and we have to make the difficult decisions to walk away from people who hurt us too much.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

DD/bg (or lg or however you label yours) can be a tricky thing to combine with poly.  It is easy to feel that the strength of the bond prohibits the inclusion of others.

Generally, it tends to be a nurturing relationship, and from what I’ve seen and experienced, can be a bit symbiotic.  Much like adding a sibling can have a period of adjustment, so, too, can adding additional partners to this style of relationship.

Imagine, if you will, that it requires a similar adaptation as going from being an only child to having to share the attention with a new baby, one requiring a lot of attention as the bonding is still in process (also constant crying and feeding and diapers, but that’s less relevant, I think).

I’ve seen people say they prefer monogamy for this style of relationship, and it is definitely true that I see more of the monogamous kink relationships fall under this heading.  That does not, however, mean polyamory is impossible.  It just means it may take a little more navigational assistance.

If nurturing is the default response of domination, the top of the slash partner may find this type of relationship becomes the most likely outcome when beginning any sort of long-term power exchange partnership.  Nurturing two is hardly a leap from nurturing one.

Problems can arise when the bottom of the slash gets scared or jealous.  Some people tend to feel less jealousy when partners seek things we have no hope of providing, such as a bisexual female seeking out a female companion.  They may feel more jealousy when it seems there is another person filling the same roles with their partner that they do.  At that point they may think, why even have two partners?  I am clearly replaceable.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve found one of the ways to separate the concept of my Daddy relationship from another small’s relationship with my Daddy is to choose different pet names.  While we both may address him as Daddy, it is critical for me that he address us differently.  For him to use my pet name, babygirl, with someone else feels bad, wrong to me.  She can have anything else she likes, such as princess or angel or anything else her heart desires.  By having separate petnames, in my mind, it establishes our dynamics as individual things.

It also helps when the DD makes a concerted effort to maintain as many of the standard routines and practices even while juggling new relationship energy.  By showing the first small she is still valued and still receives attention, it reduces the likelihood of serious sibling rivalry issues.

We forget that each relationship takes its own path.  By setting aside insecurities and giving new “siblings” a chance, sometimes we have the opportunity to form close bonds we might have missed out on otherwise.

Tops can fall into traps, too.  When a relationship has progressed from the learning stage, where we begin to learn to communicate specifically with that partner, to the comfort stage, it can be easy to skip steps with new partners, forgetting that the development of that dynamic may need to progress just as slowly as their first one did.  Communication has to be a two-way street.  If only one person is participating, often things fall apart quickly.  This is even more important when adding to a DD/bg relationship.  The smalls need to find balance and learn to communicate with each other as well, whether or not their relationship is a sexual one.  Communication now must go three ways instead of two.

One way we have addressed that in the past has been to have group chats for the three of us.  All discussions happened together, with the exception of financial conversations which involved only our household bills, since we are nesting partners.  Even when he and I were sharing simple things, such as when we left work or arrived home, it kept his other small part of things.

There are lots of different ways people have found security while sharing a power exchange partner.  The important thing is to discover what essential needs must continue to be met in order to ensure overall happiness for everyone involved.  Someone new coming in can feel like an outsider at first, and remembering to treat them with dignity and respect rather than as an interloper can go a long way towards healthier relationships for everyone involved.