Search Results for: safe words

A PSA on Safe words: RED to safe word shaming

July 5, 2016 By Sir Gear 5 Comments

So lately I have been hearing about, reading about, and having people I play with suffer from safe word shaming. Briefly, for those of you newbies out there, safe BDSM play involves the incorporation of calling “yellow” or “red” when you have reached your threshold of pain, tolerance or discomfort or to check in with your Dom/Top.

I think safe word shaming is bull shit. Plain and simple.

A friend that I have never played with before said yellow in the middle of a scene recently. Like any good player, I stopped and checked in. She told me what was wrong and we fixed it. Done and done, no harm no foul. We continued to play and at the end during our aftercare she apologized for calling yellow during the scene and held me tighter. I was blown away by this and told her never to be sorry for that.

A safe word does not make you weak at all. It makes me know, as a Dom, that you are a safe player who is smart enough to not want to be broken. Safe words were invented so that players could let their partner know that something was wrong during a scene. I am not sure where this whole thing of shaming a safe word came from, but I think it’s foolish for people to succumb to such thinking.

A sub needs to be able to communicate that something is wrong during a scene. If the cuff is too tight and your hand is going numb, let me know. If your butt can’t take anymore punishment and I need to stop or move to another spot, let me know. If you feel like you can’t take any more and you’re done, LET ME KNOW.

On the other side of the coin a Dom should NEVER take a safe word away from you, especially if you are a newbie. There is a mentality in some circles of, “I have been doing this for years so I know what I am doing. We don’t need a safe word.” Bull shit and RED TO THAT! A Dom you just met will not know anything about playing with you. They will not know anything about emotional triggers or hard limits that you may not have thought about. Doms are not mind readers! No amount of negotiating will prepare you for everything that can happen during play.

Lastly if a Dom makes fun of you or holds it against you for calling a safe word during a scene…. RUN! THAT DOM IS A DICK! (and most likely an unsafe player). In closing to my public service announcement, I will say that safe words are a critical tool to play in any sort of scene. Don’t be afraid to use it because and smart Dom will respect you more for using it when needed. If anyone makes fun of you for using a safe word, they are not worth your time.

So now that my rant is done, what’s your safe word? The best one I have ever heard, because it made the ENTIRE dungeon stop, was “Peanut Butter Jelly Time!” Let us know if you have a better one in the comments.

Sir Gear has been an active member of the local Los Angeles BDSM scene since 2009. In that time he has become a member of House RavynBlood and the student of Master Gabriel. Sir Gear is the promoter of Club THIRST out of Sanctuary LAX and is best known as his character, The Reverend, that has been featured at the AVN Expo, DomCon and even the Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena.

Follow him on social media as JordanTheComic or here.

The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that. I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice. But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition. I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits. While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning. We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word. It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.

Back then, no one talked about mental issues. No one discussed sub drop. No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up. No one talked about it. The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard. Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom. The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant. A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with. I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords. “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom. It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant. It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded. Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out. For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read. It was simply accepted as the way of things. I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now. Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice. A chance to be heard. A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave. Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation. We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community. Maybe, somewhere, they have. But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior. He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades. He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me. There was no negotiation. And I believed that was normal. He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics. Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir. I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting. Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home. Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl. I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree. My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful. I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved. I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch. Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again. Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM. I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity. I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man. Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.

I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started. Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all. Because, back then, safewords were a handicap. They were a disappointment. They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.

Over time, my definition changed. When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system. Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately. Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums.

I rarely use any of the safewords. Yellow is reserved for health issues. For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh. I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.” It does not stop our play. We do not stop to check in. He readjusts his swing, and we continue. He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used. I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it. The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits. Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating. If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point. When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing. Its several voices talking over each other. One argues to safeword. One argues that I can take more. One says to push my limits. One says to back off. One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering. It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more. By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head. I become catatonic. I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword. I stop recognizing my own name. I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second. Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing. In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me. In my head, I can take anything he can dream up. In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.

I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword. There are the individuals who play without them. People like those who taught me. There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes. You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship. You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights. There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago. We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword. Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property. I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master. I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most. I am his to do with as he pleases. I am there for his pleasure and in service to him. That is how I view my submission. Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword. I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way. But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.

*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years. What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Changing Safewords

April 3, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So the rule of thumb is typically that it’s better to stick with the more widely known Safewords. In Southern California we use the “traffic light” safewords of green, yellow, and red. It may or may not be different in different parts of the country or internationally – however, since I didn’t research that I won’t presume to know.

First I will explain what (basically) these safewords mean in case any readers are newer to the scene. Green means the bottom is enjoying what’s happening. Now, you don’t hear “green” very often because typically if a bottom is really enjoying themselves they are just in the moment and perhaps all that’s coming out of their mouth are pleasurable moans, screams, etc. Red means the Top needs to stop whatever they are doing and check in with the bottom. It may mean there is one aspect of the scene that needs to stop or that the entire scene needs to end. Yellow has a more flexible meaning. To some it may mean don’t stop and check in – just lighten up on what you’re doing or switch to doing something else or use a different implement. It could, however, mean to others that they want a verbal check in from their Top – although they aren’t in as much distress as if they call red.

Now the reason I typically don’t recommend changing the safewords you use is for two reasons. One – if you keep changing them it will be harder to remember them in the moment you may need to use them. Two – if you are playing in a public play space then the DMs (Dungeon Monitors) will know what words to listen for in case they need to step in.
So let’s discuss the only time I suggest changing your safewords. Let me say first – if you decide to change them you NEED to let the DMs know and maybe even a few more people who may be around for your scene. If you call one and your Top doesn’t stop, you have people around who will know that and can step in if you need help.

Ok, so, in the 7ish years I have been playing I have only changed my safewords twice. Both for scenes that leaned heavily on role-play. In my case, interrogation role-play. The reason they were changed was to be able to call safewords while still staying in character and using words or techniques to maintain the scene itself.

Both scenes involved my Top trying to get information out of me. In both cases we also had several other people involved in the scene to various degrees of involvement. In one scene she was trying to extract a location. In this case we had one other person who was the only other person (besides me) that knew the “location” who was not directly involved in the physical aspects of the scene but was there the whole time. When I would “give in” and state a location, my Top would verify with the other person. If she stated that was not the location then the scene continued, however, the check in gave me a little break and also represented my “yellow”. If I gave a location and it checked out – that was my “red” and indicated that the scene was over. Basically that the interrogation “broke me”.
In the other example my Top was trying to get a “secret code” out of me. In this case I would give a password for my email. (Yes this was someone I was in a relationship with and trusted.) If I needed to “call yellow”, aka needed a break, I would give the wrong password. It gave me a few minutes while she attempted to use her phone to open my email. However, when I was ready to end the scene (aka red) I gave the correct password. Once she could open my email she knew I was calling the scene.

Yes I changed my password the next day.

I hope these examples made sense. If not, feel free to comment below with questions. The bottom line is that it’s better to stick to the universally recognized safewords. Only change them if you feel it will otherwise be a detriment to the scene and always make sure the DMs or others around you know what’s up.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Using The Safe Word As A Weapon

September 29, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Using the Safe Word as a Weapon

We see it all the time. “sub has the power because safe word!” or “sub has the power because can stop play at any time.”

Okay…I have some questions that stem from the many repetitious discussions on safe words that I see on a daily basis on this site.

WHY is your partner your enemy who must be beaten in all things?
Why is your partner such a foe that he/she must be held at bay every minute by the power of your consent and the threat of…of what, exactly?

If you don’t obey my safe word, then I’m going to…what? What are you going to do? Call the police? Nope, you won’t call the police. They almost never call the police, do they. They don’t file reports. They don’t prosecute.

So what do they do? Drag their partner through the mud of the court of public opinion on whatever social websites you have profiles on.

Which brings me to…

Why are you using the concept of the safe word as a weapon against your own partner?
If your partner is such an enemy and you cannot trust them to communicate when something is amiss, why the fuck are you with that person in the first damn place?

————-
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 30 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

BDSM Safety Tips

September 23, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came. It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly. But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something would never have done pre-pandemic. And so, the following question.

Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)

To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.” If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately. But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space. Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire? (Are you allergic to penicillin?) But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” – might open a productive dialogue between first-time players. Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat. With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play. Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around. So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag. We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.

Now onto safe words. Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second. The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you). Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. The “New Guard” wants style. “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scenes. Forget using trendy new safe words. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression – “after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.

Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!”

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Putting The Safe In Safeword

August 8, 2020 By Elyssa Rice Leave a Comment

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For as long as I exist in a space of teaching for and existing within the kink community, I will never stop promoting, encouraging and inviting any conversation or action that promotes safety and empowerment. While completely eliminating any risk is not possible and frankly, some risk is welcomed, it is still incredibly important to protect the space and hold firm the boundaries that are agreed upon within any scene.

Historically, we have been programmed to follow many rules both consciously and unconsciously. Consciously, we subscribe to the laws created for us. We know that a red light means we must stop and if we drive through that light we risk a consequence. We also follow rules unconsciously, playing into the social scripts that have been created for us, like our fixation on socially constructed beauty ideals or that relationships must exist in a certain structure to be valid. As we reflect on our lives, while we like to think that we are running the show, there are many areas where we have little to no control. The force that pulls us is often not coming from within but from the outside and let me tell you, that force is strong.

When safe words are discussed, it is typically in a conversation about safety only but safe words are so much more than that. Safe words allow for us to be empowered in our erotic lives. They allow for us to be vulnerable and to develop deep trust between anyone participating in play. In a world where so much of what we do is controlled and so many of our “nos” get ignored, safe words allow for us to feel the power of having decisions in our own hands. How incredibly freeing to know that we have a decision that we can make that is entirely our own, without influence or pressure by another? Safe words are more than just opting out, they are empowering within.

I am often asked about the do’s and don’ts of safe words. Where do we begin? When should I use them? How do I choose which one works for me? These questions are all extremely important and while many folks have differing opinions on safe words, I will provide my standard rules. Please note that these rules may not apply to everyone but have been a solid base for myself, my friends and many clients who participate in kink play.

The first and most important rule of safe words is simply to have them. I have heard the debate many times that folks do not want or need a safe word and of course, we all have the power to make those decisions for our own lives, but I do not in any way encourage that. If you are new to the kink scene, it is paramount that you have safe words integrated into play. Consent and boundary violations are far more likely to occur if safe words do not exist and negative early experiences in the kink world can be highly influential on the future of your kink exploration.

A safe world simply existing in the realm of your consciousness is not enough. It needs to be shared, discussed and agreed upon. The question often remains, how do I choose one? Well, one of the most important aspects of choosing a safe word is selecting a word that you will not only remember, but one that does not naturally come up within an erotic encounter. Words like “no”, “stop” or “don’t” are often integrated into play and can create confusion within a scene. Safe words should be obscure, but not so much so that they will pull you entirely out of the erotic space. If you pick a word that makes you laugh or uncomfortable, you may struggle to get back into the erotic space if you choose to do so.

The most common safe words that I have heard are based on the traffic light system. Green indicates complete comfort with where the scene is at and designates consent to continue. Yellow indicates that the comfort zone is being pushed but that there is still consent to continue with the awareness that any further may be too far. Of course, there is red, indicating a full stop. There is no confusion about the use of the full stop safe word. Play stops, period. You and your partner/s have the freedom to choose words that you will use in your play but keep in mind that there needs to be no doubt whatsoever regarding what the words are and what each of them means.

So, let’s be real for a moment here. There are plenty of situations that an individual can be in where their mouth is not free or their ability to verbally communicate is no longer existent. These are the moments that reinforce the importance of not only having a safe word but having a safe gesture. Whether you agree on squeezing a hand a number of times, tapping out, or creating your own gesture, these are vital for those who play with breath, gags, or any activity where your mouth is full. Erring on the side of caution can only enhance play so having both a safe word and a safe gesture can allow for a safer, more comfortable and more connected experience.

Now, if a safe word has been established, shared and agreed upon, there is one more component that is crucial to discuss. This is the actual use of safe words. I have heard far too many times stories of individuals hesitant or even against using safe words. The problem with this mindset is that it is doing a disservice to every person involved in the play. Safe words are meant to keep boundaries in place and crossing those boundaries can result in the type of physical and/.or emotional harm that deters folks from playing again in the future. As much as a submissive trusts that their Dominant will adhere to the use of safe words, a Dominant trusts that their submissive will use it if necessary as well. Trust that a safe word will be respected on ALL sides is key to play and if safe words are not used when needed, the boundaries are violated for everyone involved.

In addition, it is important to note that submissives/bottoms are not the only people that benefit from or are entitled to the use of safe words. Limits can be crossed for all folks within a scene and the idea that Doms do not or should not safe word is problematic and dangerous. All of those involved have the right to opt out of play at any given time and we must remember that boundaries are not limited to only subs and bottoms.

All in all, the use of safe words is an incredibly important component in kink play. To allow ourselves to be completely immersed in the play with the knowledge that we have the freedom to opt out at any point is what can make the play itself even more intense and powerful. Trust is built when all parties involved adhere to the boundaries created and trust is the key to unlock the endless potential of pleasure that we can all experience.

About The Author

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Humiliation scene ideas – Degrading words & phrases

May 24, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

In this new hopefully temporary reality of “The Attack Of The Covids,” I have not been able to socialize, play and otherwise interact in the BDSM world. Then again, nobody else could. And although I could not get fresh questions, I had accumulated a bunch of questions.

For this week I have chosen a rather lightweight question. In the current state of affairs, I don’t think people want to think. Call this query kinkweekly light.

Reader: I’ve browsed the Internet but couldn’t find anything about BDSM and words — nasty words to be specific. I’m running out of words to degrade and humiliate my slave with! Please help.

Actually, what you are experiencing is to be expected. Eventually, you will run out of words and expressions with respect to any BDSM activity – let alone humiliation, which has a relatively small verbal arsenal to begin with. Sooner or later, you will find that you have to start repeating words. After all, there are just so many nasty, degrading words in the English language. Even if you add some of the following ten phrases to your verbal menu, thus expanding your vocabulary of degradation, you will still hit a wall if you constantly need fresh terminology.

You worthless slutpig.
You pitiful whore.
You useless strumpet. (If you want to go Shakespearean on your slave!)
You pathetic cunt.
You deplorable hole.
You awful, shameful POS (piece of shit.)
You insignificant piece of rubbish.
You unimportant, useless sack of shit.
You disgraceful two-dollar whore.
You execrable streetwalker.

Need more than just these ten? Just thumb through any thesaurus and you can come up with new and original degrading phrases. But only to a point. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sooner or later, you will simply run out of words and phrases.

However, while you might exhaust your supply of humiliating expressions, if you are a real-time couple into humiliation play, you will never run out of ways to degrade your slave. (Before I continue, let me make it perfectly clear for our readers that humiliation play is exactly that – a specific type of BDSM play. It is in no way universal, or required, in a Master/slave relationship. And, as with all BDSM activities, it must be completely consensual with safe words.)

I have noticed that “baby” can be a term of affection, is also a popular term of degradation. If we go from the word “baby” to actual acts of humiliation involving infantilism, you can roleplay from today until doomsday and you won’t need a thesaurus to find synonyms for “baby” to keep your play fresh. For example, the use of baby pacifiers can expand your degradation palette in much greater ways than any new words or phrases can. Make your slave wear a baby pacifier, either in private or public, and you are now talking major humiliation! The range of degradation in baby play is staggering. It can go from forced baby talk all the way to wearing diapers. Thus, although you might run out of words, you surely won’t run out of ideas!

The same principle applies to just about any of the “big six” words – cunt, bitch, whore, slut, pig, baby. Let’s examine the word “whore.” Off the top of my head, I can only come up with about four terms that are somewhat equivalent — slut, hole, fuckpig and fuckhole. Not many. Again, once you add real-time roleplay into the mix, boredom and repetitiveness goes out the window. If your slave is a female, make her dress up as a streetwalker; if male, make him dress up as a transvestite hooker – in the house, at least for now. This is a virtual “Humiliations R Us!” You can keep this private or public, according to your preference. Or you can write the words “whore” and “slut” in marker on his/her body. This is major degradation – especially if you let others view your handiwork. The possibilities are endless.

If you are strictly into verbal humiliation, you must accept the fact that there will be times when your verbiage will become repetitive. Don’t beat yourself up over it. (Or, maybe, beat yourself up over it!) But once you expand your play into other forms of real-time humiliation, no matter how mild, you will find these limitations are immaterial.

On a life-and-death tip, let’s hope this national nightmare ends soon enough, Be safe.

About the Author

Safety First!

March 14, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Safety in this lifestyle comes in two varieties. The first regards safety when meeting for the first time from the Internet. The second concerns safety between scening partners.

Let us take the first, first! And since the submissive is the one at the “mercy” of the Dominant, this article is directed more to the submissives.

Reality check: you are statistically more likely to be killed in a random convenience store robbery than in meeting a total stranger offline — even from Craig’s List! One is more likely to be raped in a real-time encounter than from an Internet date. Picking up a stranger at a singles bar is riskier than meeting someone online. But do not let these figures make you complacent; there is danger lurking if you aren’t careful. If you follow these guidelines for offline safety – even though some might seem obvious — you should never fear an offline meeting again.

Never meet anyone without talking to them on the phone first – and in both directions. You call them, they call you. With cell phones, there can be no excuse for not talking. You would be surprised how many people meet after just a few e-mails or a series of computer or app chats. This should never be attempted — no matter how many excuses are given, no matter how powerful the real or imagined chemistry is. Remember, tying up someone is part of the BDSM culture. So know who is tying you up (or who you are tying up) before you proceed to play.

Your first offline meeting should be in the middle of day in a well-trafficked restaurant like a Denny’s. Denny’s (and I am not being paid to say this) is perfect. They are all over the place, are usually crowded (for added safety) and are inexpensive (so there is no pressure.) But, no matter what, trust your instincts. If you get a bad feeling for any reason, say “thanks for the pancakes”! (I know a submissive who met mass murderer John Edward Robinson – a/k/a “Slavemaster” – in a Kansas City diner, thought he was creepy, and did not go his “dungeon.” True story.) So, follow your intuition!

Finally, a “safe call” should be pre-arranged with a friend. The basic “safe call” is a phone call that your friend is expecting at the time of your meeting. Your friend should know where you are meeting. You should have worked out some simple code words — something like, “I’ll be back on time” to indicate you are fine. Anything with “Houston” in it – as in “Houston, we have a problem” – should alert your friend that something is seriously wrong. The safe call is very important. Never cut corners with regard to it, no matter how many great offline meetings you might have had in the past. “Houston” will rarely, if ever, be needed; but if it is, you will be glad there is a friend out there to help you. If you are meeting for first-time BDSM play, ideally it should be in a reputable dungeon. There, the owners have your safety in mind and you can play knowing there are “Dungeon Monitors” watching the scene so it does not get out of hand.

Now, onto the second aspect of safety: that between scene partners. Although you likely already know these precautions, it’s worth repeating. Whether it is flogging, paddling, caning, bondage, rope play, hot wax or any number of activities, one should first negotiate the scene with the Top being made aware of what the bottom’s limits are. That established, a “safe word” and a “safe signal” should be agreed upon. If a prospective Dominant says, “I never use safe words,” be wary. Check him/her out carefully.

It should be noted there might be times — most often when in subspace — that the submissive is unable to utter the safe word or use the safe signal. It is at this point where the Dominant should err on the side of caution; do not continue flailing away because you hear no safe word or see no safe signal. Ultimately it is the Dom/me’s responsibility for the submissive’s safety. And to insure the sub’s mental safety, the Dominant should not skip aftercare.

Just because you have heard these admonitions a thousand times, reading them one more time can’t hurt. Remember, the BDSM mantra is Safe, Sane and Consensual. Notice the words “safe” comes first!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Heavy Play, Safe Play

July 19, 2016 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

After a series of articles that were aimed primarily at newbies, we will address the concerns of those of you who want to be heavy players. Often times you meet on forums like FetLife or at local dungeons – or even here! — and both of you click because you have the need for heavy play. And, of course, you both want it to be safe.

Many heavy players eschew the safe word; understandably so. But I would suggest some initial play – no matter how heavy – with a safe word and/or safe signal. Remember, one person’s medium play can be another’s heavy. So, in order to facilitate successful heavy play, I propose a process that has worked for many in this lifestyle.

The Process

There is a tendency to evaluate whether a player is safe or unsafe based solely on whether he/she has caused any injury during play. Although this is a very good yardstick, it can also be claimed that safe play is not simply the absence of harm. It is the total approach that should, in and of itself, be safe. Contradictory, you say. Then, let me explain. If you were driving a car at 100 miles an hour during rush hour, you might not get into an accident. Yet, that would be considered “unsafe driving” – no matter what the outcome. Similarly, if a Dominant ignores basic safety precautions – such as having a topical antibiotic on hand during a play piercing or not allowing a safe word during his/her initial sessions with a given submissive – this would still be “unsafe play,” regardless of the result.
Safety – especially for heavy players where the risk is greatest — is a process. Granted, I have seen Dominants flail away with abandon on first meeting. Again, this might not cause any damage. But, in my opinion, why the rush to mega-markings right off the bat? Going slowly is not the mark of a weak Dominant; in fact, quite the opposite. Safe play means understanding the submissive; knowing how easily he/she bruises and how much pain the submissive can reasonably be expected to take. Sometimes it is the submissive who talks with bravado: “I have never safed”, “I can take anything”, or “I am the ultimate pain slut.” But, as we had stated earlier, one person’s medium can be another person’s heavy. Safe play, as I see it, is not going as hard as you can right away. The Dom/me should always go at a slower speed when first scening with a submissive. After all, why risk getting a ticket for unsafe scening?!

You Can’t Read Minds

No matter how hard people try, it is next to impossible to read minds. Books, yes… minds, no. So, whether you are a Dom/me or sub, don’t attempt it. Communicate the old fashion way, talk! For example, as a heavy player, don’t just flail away and rely on the sub’s safe word or safe signal while you are first using one. From time to time, lean over and ask whether the sub is alert and OK. Kind of like the fight referee after a knockdown. Remember, a sub in subspace is often unable to hear or even feel much. Ask. After all you can’t read minds – least of all that of a sub that is lost in space!

From the sub’s point of view, if the Dom/me says he/she is experienced, don’t just leave it at that. Tell him/her your hard limits (even the heaviest of players have hard limits), make sure he/she will respect your safe word and communicate. (Again, if the Dom/me says “no safe words” right out of the box, be wary.) And, don’t expect him/her to read your mind, or vice-versa. As I see it, it is only “topping from the bottom” during the scene; before the scene it is simply negotiating. And, if there is superb communication before play, then the sub will not have to top from the bottom!

An Old Guard Tradition

Although much of the history of the “Old Guard Leather Societies” is debatable, there is one “tradition” I have heard of that makes sense to me. That is where the Dom/me, should he/she draw blood on an implement, is required to give that toy to the submissive. It makes sense if you think about it. It not only has a great safety aspect to it, but it also seems to have a nice ring to it. Even if you are not “old guard,” and chances are you aren’t, presenting the bloodied knife or flogger to the submissive is a nice custom, with some fine safety implications thrown in.
Overall, safety is a habit you get into — especially for the heaviest of players.

Erotica: Call Me Sir

November 10, 2021 By Sunny Leave a Comment

***This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. All characters are consenting adults.

The doorbell rings. I look at the time on my phone. She’s one minute early. Points for promptness. Perhaps she has been paying attention after all. I open the door and gesture for her to enter. Fear flashes across her lovely face briefly before being replaced by resolve. She remains silent as instructed, and crosses the threshold. Good girl, I think to myself not yet ready to praise her aloud. There is still the inspection to attend to.

She waits on the edge of the carpet in my living room while I close the door behind her. I’ve made my expectations clear in advance and now it’s time to see if she has been obedient. I twirl my finger in the air, indicating that she should rotate for inspection. As she spins slowly, my eyes roam over her slender form and my mind replays the highlights of the past few weeks like my own personal erotic movie.

Dear Mistress, the first message had read, I would like to inquire as to whether you are currently seeking a new submissive. If so, I would like to put forth myself for consideration. It had been polite and to the point, and the truth is, I hadn’t been seriously looking. I’d toyed with the idea from time to time, but understanding fully the responsibility of such an undertaking and in consideration of the fullness of my plate, it had not been something I’d pursued. Still, the message had been intriguing. I’d decided a conversation could be had.

Tell me what submission means to you, I’d replied. The response had been heartfelt and well composed. The conversation had continued. I’d prefer that you refer to me as Sir if we move forward, I’d written.

I’d considered what it meant to have a submissive in service, to own another person. I’d fantasized from time to time about finding a true service sub, one who truly derived pleasure from doing day to day tasks that made my life easier or more enjoyable in some way. I’d imagined finding one who worked hard to earn rewards and accepted graciously punishments when I deemed they were deserved, but who generally considered my satisfaction to be reward enough. Of course, a preference for punishment as reward could always be accommodated. I reflected on the gift of submission from a person whose pleasure I controlled completely, mine to play with, mine to share if I chose. I’d been fairly certain I’d not want to share often, but given my lifestyle it would be nice to have the option.

The fantasy part is always the easy part. I’d also spent time considering what it meant to take responsibility for the emotional and physical safety of another human being during power exchange. The importance of self-esteem building, trust, and fostering of personal growth. I’d taken her on a very vanilla date, to see if we had as much chemistry in person as on the phone. It had been there. We’d talked about my sadistic streak, my fascination with dollification and mind control, my primal tendencies, and my love of sensual BDSM. We’d discussed her curiosity about pain and her firmly rooted need to give control away.

My Daddy had encouraged me. “I think this is something you may need to explore,” he’d prodded gently. When she’d talked about her preference for order down to matching the socks when she did laundry and her understanding of the need for my morning coffee to be perfect, I’d offered her a contract. A three-month training period with an option to extend if things were going well had felt appropriate. She’d accepted my terms, and now, now she is here.

She completes her first rotation, remaining silent as I prefer. I catch the hem of her short dress in my hand, lifting it briefly to expose what lies underneath. I find only bare skin, as I have instructed. Finding everything in place, she receives her first “Good girl,” of the evening. I enjoy her radiant smile in response. I can’t want to see her face when she comes. I can’t wait to see her tears.

I’ve reviewed her limits list extensively, but before we begin, I ask her for her safe words one more time. She hasn’t forgotten. She is ready to begin. I lead her from the living room across the kitchen, beyond which lies a set of closed French doors. Lifting a black silk blindfold from the counter, I take her sight. “Once we enter that room, I will only stop if I hear your safe words. Are you ready?” I ask. She nods. “Address me properly,” I remind her.

“Yes Sir,” she says aloud this time. I open the doors and lead her forward. I guide her until her toes touch the edge of a large pillow on the floor. If she’s paid attention, she will know what to do next without direction. I smile when she lifts the dress up over her head and falls to her knees. I walk around her slowly. That’s two “Good girls,” earned so far tonight.

“Thank you, Mistress,” she says aloud. I wince. I really hate that. I pause and say nothing, allowing her to catch her own mistake. “Thank you, Sir,” she corrects herself. I sigh and tell her to assume a position on all fours. She complies.

“Just three this time,” I tell her. She is just learning after all. “I want you to count and when we are done to thank me properly this time.” My crop lands three times and I enjoy her tiny cries as she counts out loud. I feel slick begin to pool between my thighs at the sight of the pink blooming on her round yet toned bum. “Thank you, Sir!” she says correctly this time. I look forward to marking her soft skin with a cane.

“Stand now,” I command. I kiss her lips softly. “I’m so glad we’ve put that little incident behind us,” I soothe. She nods, lip quivering and dissolving my patience in desire. Of course, I’ll still stick to the plan. I have mastered control. I help her ease onto the excellent little bench I’ve ordered recently. Each knee and forearm rest on an individual pad, allowing me to bind her limbs in an all-fours position, elevated off the ground. I bind also her waist, securing her to the longest pad that runs from ribs to pelvis. Her beautiful face, still blindfolded, comes to rest in a round pillow, originally designed for massage tables.

I run my hand along her nude form, enjoying the way the tiny hairs on her body stand on end. I take my time allowing some anticipation to build as I examine the toys laid out in advance. I press play on the sound system, allowing the volume of the music to drown out the sound of my steps, stealing her awareness of my location in space. I whisper in her ear. “You are not allowed to come until I say so.”

I take this opportunity to fully appreciate her drenched pussy on display, smooth and free of any hair as I prefer. I look forward to her making another mistake so that I can spank it. Gently I run my fingers over her flesh and slip them into my mouth to taste her. I repeat this motion. this time pressing my fingers between her lips so that she can taste herself. I press one finger, then two, slowly inside of her tight core, enjoying the feeling of her muscles gripping my fingers. I slip into a rhythm, wrapping my other arm around her waist and allowing my fingers to dance against her clit while the first set fuck her in time to the music.

I smile brightly when her body convulses involuntarily in its bonds. “Did you just come without permission?” I demand. I know the answer already but I appreciate her honestly as she nods. I sigh loudly for her benefit. “Address me properly,” I demand.

“I’m sorry Sir!” she whimpers and then cries out for me as my hand slaps against her bare pussy. “Count,” I instruct. “It will be three for the orgasm and one for the failure to address me properly.” I enjoy the quiver in her voice as she counts the first spank. The next two land on her ass, one on each cheek. I remind myself she is still learning after all. I pause, knowing she is tense and wondering where the last will land. I strike between her legs again and something magical happens. I see her body coil on the edge of coming a second time, but she fights for control of her body and wins. “Good girl!” I praise. “Put your mouth to good use and if you please me. I’ll allow you to come again tonight.

“Yes Sir,” she agrees more confidently this time. I can see she’s getting the hang of it. This is for the best because as much as I love punishment, I don’t tolerate slow learners well. I appreciate her intelligence. I unzip my pants and allow them to fall to my ankles, baring my own most sensitive flesh. I straddle the donut pillow and lift her chin with my fingers. Her lips and tongue begin to move. It’s clear she’s eager to please, eager to prove herself. I hold her face firmly in place, allowing my hips to grind gently against her mouth, edging myself nearly to madness before I allow myself my first release.

“Good girl,” I praise, rounding behind her again with silver plug and lubricant in hand. “All of these holes are mine,” I remind her, slipping on a nitrile glove and pressing a finger against her tighter opening. She squirms in her bonds and I enjoy watching the struggle. I pause. She is learning after all. “I will only stop for your safe words,” I remind her. I watch her set her jaw in resolve. No words escape her lips. I nod, though she can’t see me. She is making a strong effort.

I press my finger firmly inside of her ass, waiting for her to relax before sliding it in and out several times. When I withdraw it completely, it is to allow the smallest plug in the set to take its place. She whimpers softly as I push the plug inside and feel it slide into place with a satisfying POP. “Good girl,” I encourage her, massaging her ass cheeks as she accommodates the plug. Removing the glove, I press my fingers back inside of her core. Her wetness betrays her. She is enjoying this small pain. I smile. I’m enjoying it too.

I reach for my newest toy, excited to finally give it a test run. I slide one end of the dildo inside of myself. The shorter curved end has a vibrating contour that presses directly against my clit. I press the other end inside of her, enjoying the gasp she makes at feeling so full. I release one hand from its bonds. “Play with yourself,” I command, “but wait until I give you permission or the punishment will be more severe for a second offense.”

I slide my shirt up over my head. My hands are free to grasp her shoulders as I press my breasts against her back and slam my hips forward. Each time I penetrate her with the toy, it thrusts back inside of me increasing my own pleasure. I turn on the vibration and feel her tense beneath me. She digs the fingernails of the bound hand into the pad of the bench, but her free hand continues to stoke her clit. I begin to fuck her harder now, fucking myself at the same time. I grind my hips, forcing the toy deeper. I feel my own core clamp down on the toy, hovering on the edge of release. I feel her body tense beneath me, fighting the urge to let go. A single tear escapes the blindfold sending me completely over the edge. “Come now I demand,” as we detonate together.

Withdrawing my new cock, I kiss between her shoulder blades. I carefully massage her remaining wrist and ankles as I release each one. I leave the blindfold in place however until we reenter the kitchen and I close the French doors behind me. I’ll leave the mystery of that room intact.

Restoring her vision, I tangle a fist in her hair and kiss her firmly. “You did well this first time,” I whisper, enjoying the shy pride that crosses her face. I lead her to the bathroom and start the shower. “We’ll sleep in the guest room tonight,” I advise her. My other partner is surely already asleep in the bedroom we share. I smile. I adore his submission in our day-to-day life, but he doesn’t share my desire for kink in the bedroom. My Daddy isn’t here this weekend, but I’m sure he’ll want to hear all about our escapades tomorrow.

I slide into bed beside her, snuggled under the fluffy blankets. My fingers trace her body more gently now in deference to the soreness I’m sure she feels. I know I’ll need to have her again before I sleep. Mine, I think to myself as my fingers begin to play and I swallow her soft cries in kisses. Tonight, I’m taking ownership of her body. I smile in the darkness. I can’t wait to introduce her to hypnosis and take control of her mind.

Sunny Leigh Mayne is writer of romance and erotica specializing in dark romance and fetish/BDSM stories. An active member of the BDSM community, her interests include erotic hypnosis, dollification, sensual BDSM, and primal play. Identifying as pansexual, Sunny enjoys writing stories that are inclusive of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. Her writings are intended for mature audiences aged 18 and older, and may contain some content triggers that some readers may find disturbing. She is also a visual artist and enjoys creating erotic art using mixed media. A lover of animals, and a proponent of animal rights advocacy, Sunny has several pets at home. Characters in all stories by Sunny Leigh Mayne are adults and any similarities to persons real or fictional are purely coincidental. Her books can be found at https://www.amazon.com/author/sunnyleighmayne. Her new website SLM Naughty Book Nook is live! https://sunnyleighmayne.com/ Sign up for e-mails to stay up to date on her newest book releases and receive surprise erotic short stories!

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