anniebear here, bringing you a question from our reader, Rabbit. This topic has a variety of opinions and would definitely be considered a “hot button” issue. We’ve enlisted all of our regular writers to weigh in with their thoughts. I’ve posted the question here:
“Hey, I’m a relatively young Domme (24 and have been active in the scene for about two years now) and I have noticed something that bothers me. I frequently get people telling me I’m “too young” to know I’m a FemDom.
I suspect the assumption is that I have never explored submission. That’s not true in my case. I tried it with a few wonderful male Doms I’m good friends with and found submission of any variety was just not my thing. I put a lot of thought and exploration into this decision. However the devaluing of my status as a Dominant continues. Older subs, older Dommes and male Doms of any age all state that they cannot take young female Dominants seriously and many of them hold the opinion that women of my age should enter the scene solely as subs.
I would like to ask what the fuck is with that? I recognize that the old guard used to be of the opinion that everyone had to start as a sub but this seems different. This seems specific to female Dominants in my age group. At what age am I supposed to have the “privilege” of being respected as a Domme?”
Actually your question is a three-parter; thus I will try to answer it in three parts. Duh!
1. There will always be ageism in every walk of life. Not saying Drake is better than Nirvana (he is not), but most people in Drake’s age range hate Drake without even listening to his music. Ageism in action. This is nothing to worry about. Being young, you will ultimately get the last laugh!
2. I will cover the “Old Guard” issue in a future Kink Weekly article, “BDSM Urban Legends Exposed.” Here is a preview: “Our final Urban Legend is, ‘You cannot become a Master/Mistress without having been a slave or a bottom.’ This is generally credited to the Old Guard Leather Societies, the progenitors of our current BDSM clubs, dungeons and community. This statement, of all the ones we have examined here, has the most to recommend it. Although I personally don’t think bottoming is a necessary step in the education of a Top, there are lifestylers whom I respect who think it is. It can be argued both ways. And although I don’t feel it is a necessary step, bottoming would surely give the Top a perspective that would be enlightening – in addition to a well-rounded education!
3. Respect is not a universal credential that you earn and everyone instantly respects you. I have heard behind-the-back dissing of some of the best Dom/mes in my community. Even our President is disrespected. I would say be as skillful and knowledgeable a Domme as possible and let the “respect” chips fall where they may. You will never get everyone to respect you; there are too many haters out there for that. But if you are respected by people YOU respect, that should be more than enough to reward your efforts.
It’s interesting because I see this as an issue for young male Doms as well. I think it has to do with the thought that in order to be a Dom/me – it is assuming you wish to be (or are already) a Dom/me to a sub – that before you take the lead in someone else’s life, you need to have your own life together. Typically the younger you are, the less likely for that to be true. Your 20’s are normally a growth phase in one’s life where you are still discovering who you are as a person, getting your shit together, etc. So I think it’s difficult for people to accept that someone in their 20’s can do this not only for themselves but someone else as well.
In my opinion there is also a difference between being Dominant – or having a more Dominant personality – versus being someone else’s Dominant. It seems that s-types are given more of a pass because if you’re younger it fits our expectations that you still need someone to take on a leadership role in your life. However, again in my opinion, an s-type in their 20’s shouldn’t rely on a D-type to lead them. They still need to live their path and work on self – focus on growth, etc. When an s-type blindly follows without really knowing themselves first it is a set up for being taken advantage of, or worse.
All in all – I think this opinion is of both female and male D-types, perhaps people just feel more comfortable voicing their opinion to the females. Not sure. But I really don’t think in general it’s a Domme only issue/assumption.
I think the biggest issue I’ve personally witnessed is a young, inexperienced Dom/me acting like they know everything. Most people within the scene would agree that you have to have experience and knowledge to back up all of the talk and ego. You can’t simply call yourself a master and then go messaging submissives expecting them to fall at your feet. While this does not sound like what you’re doing, most of the naysayers are probably used to this type of behavior so will be dubious of any young Dom/mes and unfortunately more so a FemDom. Sexism exists, even within our “open and accepting” community of kink. I say, keep doing you. Treat others with the respect that you would want towards yourself. Build your circle of friends and play partners and pretty soon you’ll be able to be a positive example and future mentor for other FemDoms.
I know at least one female pro-domme in LA who has received similar comments from some people. Emphasis on the some – I would say many of the kink crowd down here wouldn’t put too much stock in the age – people want to play with people that they connect with. If I were ever to bottom, I don’t think I would think too much about the age of the top, but I would put a lot of value in the experience of the top (which can be, but isn’t always, related to age), and my chemistry with the top. Maturity, and the way a person carries herself are big factors – I know some 24 year olds who act like teenagers, and others like interesting, engaged, well-rounded adults. Having never met you, I can’t comment about whether this is a factor in your case, but something to consider.
Ultimately, you don’t need to care too much about these other people’s opinions. If you know you are a domme, be a domme. Embrace it, enjoy it, and screw the haters.
If you have any advice or opinions for our dear reader, we’d be happy to hear them in the comments below, we only ask that you please keep the conversation constructive and educational for all.
Mr Starr says
A level or respect should be give to all, no matter of gender, Dom/me-sub-slave, or even kinkster. When some one lists them self as a Master at age 18 to say 25 and say they have 10 years experience, that I question. Now this is entirely my opinion- To list one self at the level of “Mastery” be they Dom or Domme, they are telling me they have learned, experienced and practiced their art for years, for example a brick layer going through apprentice, journeymen, brick layer, and then Master. Now that is not to say that there are always exceptions for every rule, but your looking at a couple of years at each level to attain master of that trade.
So when one list them self as a dominant, age is regardless, that is a personality type to me, they are saying to me, that they are a top in that situation. Now I knew and very much respected a Domme, many many years in the life, and I saw her submit to one Man, hers, I saw her not as a sub/slave in that moment, her status did not change, she was no less a Domme, she just happen to find and be happy being submissive to her now husband, and they both have submissive. The level of respect does not change. Nor should the level of respect this 24 yr old should receive from her peers, unless her actions demand other wise.
I’m surprised nobody else pointed out what this really sounds like – the older Doms want their hands on her, and they are pressuring her to be a sub when she doesn’t want to be.
It sounds like a “pay your dues” spin that is meant to get more young subs; the irony is that she’s already tried subbing, so that should satisfy the “pay your dues” mentality, but the Doms in her community are pretending that’s not enough somehow. In short, they want to to use her, despite her clear statements to the contrary.
Lame and sexist.
If she’s reading this: You’re ready to be a Domme!
regardless of gender. The person’s experience and knowledge should reflect the intensity of the relationship. The issue with a younger dom is trying to go to fast to soon, and that is for their own personal understanding and experience. The responsibility placed on the dom needs to be something they can actually take on safely. There can be both emotional and physical risks, and even earlier today a sub was telling me a ‘bad dom’ story that literally included them being raped, and I do not mean with concent. They did not call it rape they simply described what occurred and the moment the situation turned from 100% consensual to actually violating what was allowed by the sub is when it became rape. If not for the current rape culture there would be a significant amount of rape charges against doms for violating the agreement and trust placed on them.
Additionally, It does not even need to go to the point where boundaries are crossed and not in a consensual way. People go to the doctor/hospital everyday for playing with an inexperienced dom, and in some cases that is part of the learning process. In either case mistakes were made if the activities did not properly include the proper level of safety and aftercare. You would be surprised how little it takes to require a doctor. A really good example is how easy it is to get gonorrhea even when two uninfected partners are playing carelessly. Simply taking something out of the ass and shoving it into a vagina, and then not having the proper care, could lead to both of them ending up with gonorrhea. That example wasn’t even related to something that might not occur in a vanilla relationship, but when one of them is the dom and is now doing something that could cause infection or worse it really falls on the Dom to take responsibility for that occurring.
Bottom line is that as a Dom you need to know much much more than the sub does about what is going on. It does not take much for a rope to slip a knot and create a critical situation that could result in the loss of life, and rope play is a really mild form of bondage. My advice to all doms is to play at their level. The greater the submission generally indicates a greater risk, and a dom has limited or no experience then maybe just going for it is not the best solution. I can almost always guarantee that a “in the moment” decision to try something new will likely never end as well as something properly studied and planned for. Even if that is something inherently spontaneous the dom should be ready before the opportunity comes up and not just decide to go with it.
Keith M. Anderson says
I’m sixty five and have been a dominant Master most of my life. Something being around and interacting with lots of young people has taught me is that, the youthful have more empathy, quicker response time to emergencies and far speedier learning and understanding abilities than those of whatever age who take things for granted and make blanket assumptions. I have no problem with a twenty-four year old of either gender exercising their dominant characteristics wherever and when ever they can.
That’s an interesting perspective, jamie. I’m 35 and dominant. I don’t feel like I was suddenly imbued with empathy and life skills when I turned 35. Are you suggesting that you think people with dominant inclinations should sit on their hands and not join in the scene until they are 35?
jamie grimes says
i’ll be 60 the 15th of feb, and i’ve been submissive for 40 of those years. i am of the firm belief that no 24 year oldhas the knowledge or life experince to be called a Dominant.only a person 35 years old or older does, but not some wet behind the ears punk 24 year old who has no clueabout what being a submissive goes thru.
this was a much needed look into this common problem in the scene. the same stigma often surrounds male subs in some circles. people need to be more accepting if this lifestyle is as open and inclusive as it claims