anniebear here. We received a great question from a reader. This is a burning question for many folks trying to balance D/s and busy life schedules. It truly can be the biggest hang up in mastering a strong dynamic. We have our Kink Weekly writers to weigh in on the issue. Here is the question:
“I have a question that I was hoping I could get some help with. My work life makes me a very busy girl outside of my D/s relationship. My Sir, in efforts to support my life goals and lower my stress levels, tries to avoid adding extra daily tasks for me. However, this has the side effect of diminishing the levels of D/s in our relationship. I have looked for articles online about this, but only seem to find articles addressing how to put a submissive into headspace after coming home from work. My question is more focused on how my Sir can incorporate D/s into outside tasks that I already have to do independently of our relationship so that I can feel his presence and control throughout the day. Thanks for your help!”
This might not help in answering your question, but you must realize that every D/s relationship is different.
There are those who view jobs as “off limits” and D/s begins and ends when the submissive arrives home (often with a greeting ritual) to when he/she leaves in the morning for work. I might add, from a purely practical point of view, this is the easiest strategy to use when dealing with jobs, kids or any non-D/s activity.
If your Sir and you want a literal 24/7 D/s union, then you have to accept there will be incursions into pure D/s because of outside demands. For example, you are working for Apple and Tim Cook calls you in for a group meeting. If your protocols require you to answer his calls or texts immediately, this situation will cause you enormous stress.
Once jobs are involved, one cannot expect unfettered D/s.
In your case, it is commendable that your Sir understands the difficulties in maintaining the D/s control in your workspace. I would suggest that he goes a little lighter on workplace demands – possibly making up for it by being a little stricter at home. This is just a suggestion.
In totality, one of the purposes of D/s is for a slave is to lesson stress levels by relieving him/her of many decisions, leaving those for the Dom/me. If in doing so, your Sir diminishes your perception of the D/s dynamic, so be it. In a battle between stress and lighter D/s, in my opinion, lighter D/s wins.
I might add, if you wish to feel his presence 24/7, collars work wonders!
My suggestion is to come up with tasks that work FOR you and your life, rather than them becoming another stressor. Perhaps he chooses which panties you wear, or gives you a trinket you can carry or wear as a reminder of him. Perhaps the task is stress reducing, for example, that once before you go to lunch (or before noon) and once again before you leave work, you must stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and repeat a mantra in your head that he designs specifically for you. (maybe you send a quick text with one word or emoji that lets him know you completed the task) This maintains your connection and submission to him throughout the day without impeding on your schedule too much. Plus the added bonus of self care (mentally and physically).
These are just a few examples and hopefully the basic concept helps you come up with your own unique ideas!
This is a tough issue! On a candid level, this is something Dexx and myself are always working more to strengthen. I applaud you for seeking advice outside of your relationship and having the self-awareness to know where improvement can be made.
First of all, it sounds like you and your Sir are able to communicate during the day. That’s great! With different jobs, it’s not always easy to check in during the workday. My suggestion is to start small and add on from there. Work out with your Sir a daily task. This can be something you are already doing for your job or an additional (small) task that He decides. The small task could even be having you write out five affirmations complimenting yourself in personal appearance or intellect. This task should have a deadline. For example, let’s say you must complete a job-based procedure each day but perhaps there is no deadline except for presenting it by the end of the day at your job. Your Sir can tell you to complete it by 2pm that day. He can check in with you before that time to make sure your on target, etc. If it’s a task he assigned, you must send him photographic or verbal evidence that it is complete by the designated time. These are very basic examples, but I think you get the picture.
I would personally look at my daily duties either at home or work and decide where I am the weakest. This would be the area where I would provide my Sir with feedback and ask for help. For example, while I’m personally very good at organization, I am not good at prioritizing what should be completed first and thus I can feel overwhelmed. I could work out a daily checklist to give to my Sir to hold me accountable.
The most important aspect of all of this is accountability and issuing subsequent punishment. Some days, even that one one extra task or deadline may seem like too much, but you need to focus on the D/s and take it one moment at a time. While your Sir is in charge, you are also 50% of the equation.