Advice: Dealing with a bratty submissive

With a whole new generation of lifestylers coming up, we would be remiss if we did not address their concerns.  I am in a unique position to answer millennial’s concerns as my live-in submissive is — surprise! – a millennial.  And though I hate to generalize, one is more likely to encounter the dreaded “brat” among the newer lifestylers than in the more experienced (read older) Dom/mes and submissives. This question and my answer can shed light upon what to do when you encounter the so-called “brat.”  Here is the question:   

Reader: I am a young Domme and my slave just won’t behave.  I think he wants to be good, but I don’t know how to make him obey.  Help!       

Without specifics, this will be a tough question to answer.  But the fact that you are calling this person your “slave” makes it clear that you want him to obey you.  Thus, the problem.

To use proper terms, I can correctly state that your slave is a “brat.”  I have found there are basically two types of “brats.” The first type of brat really has no interest in behaving or being “trained.”  Behavior modification is the farthest thing from this brat’s mind. He/she gets turned on by misbehaving and loves a punishment scene. Here the “punishment” is not castigation at all, it is the payoff.  Since the “punishment” is pleasurable, every time you administer it you are rewarding the misbehavior. This is exactly what this brat/slave wants.  

If your slave is this type of brat, and both of you enjoy this game, then just go with the flow.  The slave here probably won’t misbehave until he wants to be punished. Once this interchange is established as the primary aspect of your D/s relationship, it might be too late to change this dynamic.  But why bother? You both enjoy it. “You’ve been a bad boy, you’re getting a spanking” is one of the most popular BDSM games around. 

However, if you want a well-behaved slave, the above setup is not the best way to achieve it.  It not only gives the slave an incentive to misbehave, it also gives the Dominant an excuse for a spanking scene.  If you don’t get off on this game (be honest with yourself) and really want your “type one” brat to behave, then this should be nipped in the bud.  

Explain to your submissive that misbehaving will not automatically result in a spanking.  Invent new forms of punishment — which will include things the submissive actually dislikes.  It could be no television for a week. No kinkweekly.com. (Now there’s a unique punishment! LOL.)  Or a paddling if that is what he hates. You must take the incentive out of misbehaving.

The key is to separate punishment from pleasure.  As your slave must learn there are other ways to get a good spanking other than by misbehaving, allow the submissive to request a spanking scene.  Once the submissive understands that he does not have to misbehave to get the pleasure of a spanking, you have removed the biggest incentive to misbehaving.  You can still do a role-play game of “brat,” but you will both understand that this is role-play and the submissive must behave in all other situations.  

The second type of brat misbehaves simply because he/she is not well trained.  Or very new to the lifestyle. Or young. If your slave fits into these categories, you will have a much easier time training him.  Here the “brat dynamic” is not integral to the relationship; in fact, the slave here does not really want to be a brat at all. He is simply is crying out for guidance.  What I would do is set down a set of rules. Stress those areas where he currently misbehaves. Many subs crave a clear list of what is expected of them, not a vague admonition to “behave.”  Then explain that violation of those rules will result in punishment. Again, make sure punishment is punishment. It must be something he specifically dreads – anything from the cock cage to wearing a baby pacifier in public.  Punishment must be swift and predictable; do not let a violation of the rules slide.  

Once the slave gets swiftly punished, the likelihood is that he will not violate that rule again.  Consistency of discipline and a clear set of rules is the basis for all training. If you approach it in this manner, you are well on your way to turning a brat into a well-behaved slave.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.