Reader: I’m a new Domme, and I just met an experienced submissive that I like. How do I proceed so I don’t make mistakes, look like an “idiot,” and lose his respect?
If there were a “Grand Dominant Council,” this body would have as its motto, “Honesty isn’t everything, it is the only thing.” (And being honest, they would credit Vince Lombardi for this paraphrased credo!) So, the best way for you to proceed is with absolute honesty. Or as close to absolute as you can humanly get. You will find that honesty works like a magic “anti-idiot” protective shield.
In no uncertain terms, you must tell your potential submissive exactly how new you are to the lifestyle. The worst thing you can do is to claim experience that you don’t have. He/she will figure it out pretty quickly — and you will watch in dismay as your reputation gets trashed. On the other hand, by being upfront about your “newbieness” (now there’s a word!), you will get the utmost respect from this submissive – regardless of the outcome of this disclosure! Much of the Domme’s power in a D/s relationship comes from the respect the submissive has for his/her Dominant. And honesty is the most important component of respect. Keeping this in mind will help center you, and ward off any insecurities you might have about disclosing your lack of experience.
There are two possibilities that can happen when you declare that you are a newbie. The first one is that he/she will simply decline to continue with you. Everyone has requirements that are non-negotiable in any relationship they enter into. If this is the case, so be it. There is never any guaranty against rejection – and lying will only delay the inevitable rejection anyway. The second possibility is that he/she will be open to discussing how to proceed in a mutually beneficial way.
If the submissive wishes to continue, it would be best to plan a scene together. In this way, you can get an idea of where your lack of knowledge will be the least liability. Here is where negotiations come into play. If you discuss activities that excite both of you and are also most workable for your “newbie/experienced” combo. Try to steer the submissive into areas with a shallow learning curve or less dangerous ones. For example, hand spanking fits the bill here. Surely, there is little danger in a spanking scene. Just agree on a safe word, and you can pretty much hand spank away!
If the sub has a craving for a bit more edgy play, you must be especially aware of your limits. Don’t let bravado get in the way. If you don’t know how to use a cane, don’t say you do. Instead, go slow, be careful and be especially mindful of the sub’s safe word. Never forget, everyone was a newbie once.
Don’t be afraid to take suggestions from your submissive. As an experienced submissive, he/she will know where to draw the line between giving you some pointers and topping from the bottom. Another bonus of working with a veteran sub is that he/she will not be expecting you to be mistake free. Skilled subs understand that the myth of “Dominant infallibility” is just that – a myth. This can be a great learning experience for both of you. One of the great things about BDSM is that “the couple that grows together, bonds together.”
If the two of you think about your being a newbie as an asset and not a liability, you can both share in your growth. Besides, you said this submissive is “experienced;” you did not say, “know it all.” Surely, there are BDSM activities that are fresh to both of you and can learn them together.
Ideally, you can have the best of all possible worlds. You can learn together, play together and grow together.
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
I respectfully disagree as a male sub. I can back this up with experience but more important is the foundation. He needs you to feel good. That means take what makes you feel good. Essential sub topping from the bottom.
love this question