Afraid of being rejected by someone I met online

Of all the questions submitted to me, the most popular ones are in the long distance category. Likely this is because in the Internet age, most people in every category meet online. The following problem is one I hadn’t seen before, so here goes:

Reader: I’m debating traveling to visit a guy I met online, but I’m terminally afraid of rejection. Though I’ve kept nothing from him about myself, and we have FaceTimed, I’m still worried he won’t like me in person. Should I go? 

First of all, connecting with another person — online, offline, vanilla, BDSM, Mormon, Joe Millionaire, Russian mail-order bride — is always a roll of the dice.  I don’t think the odds of a successful long-distance match are any worse than happily hooking up with someone you flirted with at a bank. Even if you are a reject-o-phobe, the odds are actually stacked in your favor when meeting on the Internet.  Let me explain.

When you meet online you have much more control over the situation than by meeting any other way.  This is especially true in BDSM. Here, the Net can give you the measure of predictability you are looking for – after all, you want to “predict” whether he will like you or not.  To do this, all you have to do is use the technology wisely.

It is easy to talk about everything online; you can ask any question imaginable.  “Are you into fisting?” asked at a bar, might get you slapped. Ask that same question here, you might get a date!  So don’t be afraid to discuss just about anything; find out as much about him as you possibly can. Is he interested in just BDSM play or is he looking for a 24/7 D/s relationship — or something in between?  If it is 24/7, for example, make sure one of you is open to relocation. Otherwise you might get rejected simply because he discovers, once you get there, that this relationship is unworkable; the relocation dilemma is one I have covered before and is a very common dealbreaker. This should be addressed early on. 

You should both discuss your play preferences IN DETAIL so there are no misunderstandings.  If you hate pain and he is a sadist, I would bet the “r word” (rejection) is going rear its ugly head.  The more you know about him playwise, the less chance you will take the right flight to meet the wrong guy.  

Mutually decide if you are going to scene or not.  Don’t get on a plane if both of you are not in agreement on this point.  If you both want to play, negotiate the scene, set up the safe words and agree on the limits before you go.  Be very clear in what the scene is and is not. You don’t want to travel a long distance based on a major misconception.  (I thought you said, ‘I like everything but the cane,’ not ‘I like everything but the pain.’) The clearer your agreement is, and the less vague your expectations are, the easier it will be to avoid those embarrassing long pauses that happen when unexpected bad stuff is hurled at you.

In addition to all these BDSM considerations, there are some others that universally apply to all long distance meetings.  Speak to him on the phone before you book your flight. (What if he sounds like Bugs Bunny!”) Arrange all your safe words and safety calls.  Leave all his information (name, address, etc.) with a friend. If he is a Dom (you are unclear), don’t let him make unreasonable demands – like no safe words — at such an early stage in your relationship.  Red flag. Your safety is more important than whether or not he rejects you! If there are no red flags, and you take all the precautions, go for it!  

Most of all, don’t turn your trip into an all-or-nothing proposition.  Leave room for fun even if he doesn’t turn out to be the man of your dreams.  Or vice-versa. If you have some fun things planned – the negotiated BDSM scene, a nice dinner, etc. – you can have a great time even if it isn’t love at first spank.  

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.