As BDSM becomes increasingly popular, and the Internet is available to all but a few hermit types living in Tristan da Cunha (Google it!), online D/s will be tempting to many. And one such lifestyler e-mailed me this query:
Reader: I recently met a woman online, and I’m really attracted to her. We’ve Skyped and know we are who we say we are. But she lives many thousands of miles away and meeting is unlikely. Is it possible to have a D/s relationship online that is long-term or is this just a hopeless pursuit?
BDSM and the Internet. It seems they are really made for each other. As to whether one can have a long-term BDSM relationship without actually meeting, that depends on what you consider long-term. Even with in-person D/s relationships, long-term is rare. I guess that is also true with vanilla marriages, so I would advise you not to worry about “long-term” potential and take it one day at a time. On the plus side, there are many online activities that dovetail right into a BDSM lifestyle.
Obviously, she cannot feel the sting of the flogger online; you cannot hear the thud of the paddle. (Although clamps and clips work just fine long-distance!) But online BDSM has great potential; let’s look at where the Internet works best. Protocols, etiquette and submissive positions can be taught online almost as efficaciously as in real time. With online training, both of you can get a good feel for the other in terms of Dominance and submission — without meeting!
To give you an idea how some people do Internet D/s, what follows is a brief excerpt of an online training session where the “Master” is teaching his “slave” the greeting ritual.
Master: Now I will teach you the greeting ritual.
slave: Thank you, Sir.
Master: This ritual is performed whenever you enter
your Master’s house.
slave: Yes, Sir.
Master: Now, get down on the floor, kneel down, knees
comfortably apart, toes touching. Keeping your butt up,
rest your arms on the floor. Reach up and hit any keys
when you have done this.
Master: If I were there, you would then kiss my feet, your arms wrapped
around one foot as you kiss it; you would then move to the other foot. Just as it is here, you get up when the Dominant says – or signals — that you can. You can get up now.
slave: Thank you, Sir.
Master: Any questions?
slave: No, Sir.
The beauty of cyber-training is that you have a wide array of tools at your disposal. The sub can even be disciplined — written disapproval seems to be quite effective as a punishment. Additionally, in the above scenario, the Dom could have e-mailed the submissive a picture of the position he wanted her to emulate. Texting enables you to be in D/s headspace whenever you desire.
If you want to take it a step farther, webcams can bring a touch of real time to this scene. Webcams work for porn, so why not for BDSM? They can really expand the standard world of cyber. You can actually do some BDSM scenes using the webcam – and your partner can be right there with you. A hot wax scene seems to be a natural for this medium — as is any scene with clothespins, sex toys and clamps. There is one unintended bonus when you use the webcam. You know what the other person really looks like. And, hopefully, this is a good thing!
Specialty forums have become quite common on the ‘Net. Going beyond discussion groups on Facebook and the like, they can expand your play in areas that are specifically tailored to your tastes and may encompass chat and advice regarding more extreme BDSM activities. One such site – and there are many – is chastitymansion.com. I might note that chastity play is well suited to online D/s. But I do not mention this as a suggestion for play; I bring it up to show you the types of forums that are available. But a word of caution. True forums are free – like kinkweekly.com or fetlife.com. If you are hit with a monthly fee, that likely is not a true forum.
Finally, I think having your submissive keep a blog or diary on a regular basis is one way to understand her needs. If the Dominant also keeps a diary, the submissive can get a peek into the workings of the Dominant mind. And diaries can be very hot.
In closing, the purpose of BDSM is really to have fun. Worrying about where this will lead will defeat the purpose of this lifestyle. Once you take the plunge into an online relationship, accept that there will be compromises. Then again, life always demands some compromise!
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Is this online D/s relationship safe?
Jamee Sassafras says
I have found the online experience of D/s and BDSM to be fulfilling and engaging. As a woman that has professional ties to agencies that work with children, I find I cannot engage with my local community, or even ones within my state. This is due to taking patients with very specific needs and never wanting to risk a accidental crossing of a boundary by seeing a child’s parent at an event of this nature. So I have turned to the online community within Second Life, an online platform. I have found an amazing sense of community that spans the globe. In engaging with others that share my interests, I find a sense of belonging for an important part of myself. It enriches me, uplifts me, and I have even engaged in a dynamic that lasted 6 years. We met in that online platform, built a relationship that was able to weather the transition to real life, and even to the point of blending our families. We enriched one another, nourished one another, and kept the dynamic alive until the moment he passed away. This would not have been possible without the online community we both were a part of.
There are ways to make online work, but much depends on the willingness of both parties to find the ways it works together. A bit of creativity, a sprinkle of imagination, along with a healthy dose of communication…anything can be possible. Online, I am only limited by my own willingness to try.
Rosa Hunter says
I am a member of an online Femdom Community. In our 4th year, we have a thriving International D/s Community practicing long distance domination, connecting “real lives” from within the the virtual venue of the Second Life platform. We encourage Dominant Women to create and define their unique style and expression of D/s. Our experience with long distance power dynamics has been creative, diverse, and rewarding. Sisters have enjoyed varied activities and tasks ranging from service (the creation of art, artifacts, music, coding, and writing), the use of teledildonics, and a myriad of variations of Dominant preferences and styles. As a sadist, I VERY much enjoy what I do “to” a man or woman allowed to serve me. The thing about long distance D/s, too often overlooked, is when I say “fetch my crop” and my slave, 6,000 miles away offers my very real crop held in his very real hand, it is his hand that enacts my will. No masochist, it is his sweet service to endure for me.
Our small Community is an active part of the much larger, vibrant Second Life Lifestyle Community, which offers daily trainings, munches, and dozens of discussions. For those of us living in isolated locations, in situations where to participate in the Lifestyle would threaten professional standing, or in some Countries mean risking jail or worse; the opportunity to access, develop, and sustain meaningful Dynamics with like minded people is one of the gifts of the world wide web. The deep connections we have enjoyed personally, and observed others share, are unequivocally, “ungame” like – authentic, and rewarding relationships developed between some of the most intelligent, creative people I am honored to know, work, and play with in any world.
As technolgy evolves, there can be even greater depth to online D/s. As you state, living in an isolated community, or other restrictions, can make online D/s extremely valuable. Even in a proximate D/s union, online can add an exciting dimension — especially if the lifestylers don’t live with each other.
I am glad to see people, like your group Rosa, using the Internet for more than just ordering McDonalds, Groupon or trolling.
Tera Claremont says
I would like to add to the conversation that the reasons for real-world limitations can vary diversely. It can be careers, or community, or even family. My father is my last living parent, he is quite old and extremely old fashioned. Add onto that being deeply religious and you will know why I do not let my choices to practice D/s extend into my real life.
The power exchange and transfer of our energies are just as real in our hearts and mind as if we were face to face. While I can not feel my Domina swat my bottom directly, I can enact her will and deliver the swat myself under her command. This simple act engages my submissive nature, it lets me feel the control she has over me, and it lets me serve and please her. I can endure as much as I can for her, to please her and to show my devotion to her.
In many ways, it comes down to your own willingness and how you look at it. You can be unwilling to engage and enjoy online interactions, you can see it as a big disconnect due to the lack of some of the senses being stimulated, you can choose not to enjoy it. You can choose to not enjoy or engage for any number of reasons. You can also choose the opposite. If you CHOOSE to engage in a LDR and Dynamic, you will find it far more meaningful and rewarding.
I have met Miss Rosa and Miss Jamee in Second Life, and there is zero doubt that they are strong, amazing, Dominant Ladies. I have had enough time listening and interacting with them that they have truly earned my respect and admiration. I am blessed to have their lives enrich mine, even in a small way.
My humble advice is to at least give it a chance before making up your mind about long-distance D/s. You could be robbing yourself of an incredible experience.
Good topic! Online power exchange is becoming more and more prominent
Wait until there are Robots — “Thank you Sir, may I please have another” in A I voice!
I’ve always had a problem with online dominance and submission, most likely because I’m not really about BDSM as I am about D/s. I consider submission more about what a submissive can do FOR me and less about what I do TO the submissive. It’s REALLY hard for a submissive to actually serve me from a distance.
I’ve used online subs to proofread my books or to chase down sites that violate my copyrights and submit DMCA requests…and that is service for real…but it’s not the same as having a sub observing me, anticipating my needs, and committing themselves to make my life easier.
I enjoy putting a sub through their paces, but more as a treat for them (that I enjoy) than as submission to me. Because of that, an online scene (such as the online training described above) would make for great fun but not much fulfillment in the way of dominance and submission.
It might work great for others, but I guess, for me, cyber domination is a game to be played, not a meaningful dynamic in a relationship.