Reader: I am a female submissive and am relatively new to BDSM. After our first meeting, a Dom I met at a party put a “temporary collar” on me. On our second meeting, he “collared me” and said he wants me to move in and serve him along with another slave. This makes me nervous and he sees it. I do not want to make him mad, but how can someone collar a submissive on the second meeting? How can he ask me to move in after meeting him twice – especially with him having another submissive? Am I wrong to refuse his wishes, even though I might lose him by being “unsubly,” as he called me?
Baadmaster: Yes, it is unusual that a Dom would collar a sub on the second meeting – and it is just as remarkable that a submissive would accept it. This is not to say there is not “collar at first sight.” But, if the chemistry is right, it will be even more right after four meetings – or even five. What’s the rush? If you are being asked to move in, there are a lot of factors to be considered. Collars notwithstanding, you should find out how compatible you are. Just because you like each other for two meetings does not mean you can stomach each other 24/7. Especially when another sub is involved. Meeting twice and living with each other are two entirely different situations. The fact that your potential Master does not grasp this is a big red flag.
Of course, there is no timetable for collaring. It is truly up to the people involved. Notice I said the “people” involved, not just “the Dom/me.” As I have stated many times here on kinkweekly, until you consent to being a Dom’s submissive, you are simply negotiating. On the surface, it would appear that he is “bum rushing” you and short-circuiting the negotiating process. A first-class Dom would not want to bully you into a decision you will later regret.
In fairness, both of you have made errors to this point. By your accepting his “temporary collar,” whatever that means, you were acknowledging that the negotiating period was over and that you were submissive to him – at least in a “temporary” way. Thus, you were paving the way for a quickie permanent collar. What to do?
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out a way to reverse your acceptance of his collar and get back to the negotiating phase – a period that should last more than two get-togethers. This is not “mission impossible.” The key is to clearly explain that you are interested in his collar, are interested in moving in with him and his submissive and are interested in him as your Master – but only after some more time has elapsed. This will flatter his ego (all Doms liked to have their egos stroked) and put everything into its proper perspective. If he truly wants to be your Master, he will understand that you want to feel completely comfortable with him before you fully submit. Surely any reasonable person would want to meet the other sub.
He has, however, made his task somewhat difficult. I always think that a Dom who uses terms like “unsubly,” “you aren’t a real slave” or some such affront, is treading on shaky ground. It is another red flag. A good Dom/me does not have to use coercion to get his/her way. Similarly, you serve because you want to serve. And threats, insults and fast-collaring are self-defeating techniques. I am not saying he is not the Dom for you. I am stating is that he is not using the right approach to become your Master and get you to move in with him and his slave. Yes, there are some in this community who use the “insta-collar” in order to get a sub off the market as quickly as possible. (I personally know of at least one.) Thus, some caution is advised.
If he listens to you, he will slow down the process and give you time to come over to him. However, if he still tries to intimidate you into a snap decision, then he is probably not the Dom for you. After all, if you’re moving in with him, he had better be someone you want to serve. Not someone who cajoles you into serving. As the saying goes, “Castles made of sand fall into the sea.” And, being pushed into a situation you don’t want is truly a castle made of sand!
I might add, that in the new BDSM world, collars might not have the same significance that they previously had. Still, they should not be used in a way to persuade submissives to do something that ultimately is not in their best interests. Insta-collars usually aren’t worth the faux leather they are made of!
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.