Ask Baadmaster- Lost and Found

The following question is more like an “advice columnist” question than a BDSM query.  But, I am sure, this problem has come up in BDSM so it is worthy of an answer.

Reader: I am a female submissive.  How the heck do I find a true, sincere Master? I am totally new to this, and so far I have met many “Dom’s” who use me because I am submissive – but are only interested in play and sex, even though they profess to want a full time submissive. I want to find someone who is knowledgeable, sincere, honest and will guide me to my limits. So far, I’ve had no luck!

The first rule about finding anything is, “you must know what you are looking for before you can find it.”   And to figure out what you want, you must be knowledgeable – about both the lifestyle and your BDSM needs. Without this awareness, you will not be able to ask the right questions to any prospective Master.  

Obviously, there is a kind of chicken and egg thing happening here.  How can you learn about the lifestyle without a Dom? But then, how can you find a Dom without knowing about the lifestyle?  You can break this vicious cycle in one of two ways. You can find a Dom or mentor – even one online – who can show you the basics of the lifestyle.  Or you can read about it online and get a working knowledge that way. (And even if you are experienced, the more you know the better.)

Once you have the information you need, the next step is to enter “listville.”  You should make a list, in the order of importance, of ten of the most critical things you desire in a Master.  Keep in mind that you will probably never find anyone who meets all ten criteria. Murphy’s Law will see to that.  But you must have a good concept of deal breakers and deal makers; making a written list is the best way to keep these freshly in mind when you meet prospective Dominants.

Of course, there are many male “Doms” who will say anything to get laid. (To be crass.) That is just a fact of life.  It is up to you to perfect your “radar,” weed out the phonies and find a real Dom. I cannot help you with that.

Now it is time to actually find some prospective Masters.  After all, if you never meet them, you will never find one.  There are really only two ways to meet a Master – on the Internet and in the real time BDSM community.   

From an online point of view, – although not a BDSM dating site per se — is a great place to intersect with like minds and who knows???  And by reading the articles here on, you can add to your BDSM knowledge.

Once you get the online thing down, you will meet many people you will have to narrow down your choices efficiently.  Make a “wish list” of those aspects are most important to you. Don’t waste time on those who don’t satisfy most of your most important criteria.  Keep in mind you’ll have to kiss a lot of online frogs to find a prince. Thus, you can’t spend a lot of time kissing frogs. With your handy-dandy wish list as your guide, you can kiss ‘em quickly!

Another way to meet potential Masters is via the real time BDSM community.  Most cities have local groups with regularly scheduled munches and socials. There are also BDSM clubs and dungeons which oft times sponsor “meet and greet” parties in addition to munches. Check out Dexx’s column here on where he often tells of BDSM events that could interest you. (Unfortunately, if you live in a small town, this might not be an option; you will have to stick to the Internet.)  Here you are not only able to meet people face-to-face, but you will also be able to cross-reference those you are introduced to. Typically, reputations precede everyone in a local scene. Once you meet a Dom you like, you can ask others about him. Most times – people gossip, you know – you will be able to weed out any Mickey Mouse Masters. And, armed with your “wish list,” you will be able to find out if he is a potential match for you.

Finally, don’t let anybody “bum rush” you into doing anything you don’t want to do.  Just because you are submissive doesn’t mean you are submissive to anybody who claims to be a Dom. To paraphrase Shakespeare (a Dom?), “Caution is the better part of valor.” This might be the most important bit of advice I can give you.

Good luck on your search and welcome to our community.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.



  1. teamplayer says:

    good thing to address

  2. newtothis says:

    useful advice for sure

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