Bad Scene Blues

No, the title of this article is not a typo. I do not mean “Baad scene blues!” Instead, I am
addressing a problem described in a question that was sent to me:

“My long-time Dom and I had an intense play session recently… sensory
deprivation followed by some serious flogging and stuff. Though no single thing we
did crossed my hard limits, I was left feeling drained and kind of scared by the end.
He did his best to comfort me, but the dynamic between us was just bad. Now I
think we’re both kind of afraid to get back on the horse. What should we do?”

Although my answer is to this specific question, I think discussing the effects of a bad
scene is a problem many have encountered. And though the submissive who emailed me
this inquiry has a male Dom, my answer can just as easily be translated to a Domme
problem – bad scenes have no gender.

There are many key phrases in your question that give clues to the resolution of your
dilemma. The first is “long-time Dom.” Once you are with a partner for a while, it is
obvious that communication must be strong enough to maintain that relationship. So, any
threat to the basic foundation of your union, by virtue of one bad scene, should be minor
at best. There is little chance that your play problem will have catastrophic effects on
your D/s partnership. Take a load off your mind; your relationship is safe – at least from
the negative effects of this bad scene.

With this major concern out of the way, we can now tackle some technical issues that
your “bad scene” might have brought up. Hard limits. Crossing hard limits would be a
major issue in any Dom/sub play session. You have no problems here because none were
breached. By not crossing this boundary, your Dom avoided any major trust issues that
ignoring hard limits invariably bring up. Thus, this worry is also a non-issue. In fact, you
should give your Dom props for not even touching this area. He clearly is a safe and
considerate player and you should find this a source of great comfort. Up to this point,
taking your question in the order of your fears, the score is: your Dom two, your worries
zero!

Next, you state your scene was “sensory deprivation followed by some serious flogging
and stuff” and you felt “drained and kind of scared” by the end. Who wouldn’t? This is to
be expected in such a scene. It is obvious you were taken to places you were unfamiliar
with. By definition, going to new areas always comes with some risk. That is price of
admission when you explore the unexplored. Again, hats off to your Dom – a Dom who
clearly is willing to push soft limits and tries to make your play life “un-boring.” To this
point, his only mistake was not warning you that he was going past what you had been
accustomed to. But, that is a minor point.

Even post-scene, he provided aftercare – “he did his best to comfort me.” What he has
done, to this point, is well within any “how-to” BDSM guidelines. You might even say,
he has been going “by the book.” But just because one does BDSM perfectly does not
mean one can expect perfect results. We are dealing with human beings here.
Your Dom did everything correctly, yet “the dynamic between you was just bad.”
Situations like this happen all the time – and not just in BDSM. A pro basketball team
can execute their coach’s game plan perfectly yet lose. A political candidate can out-
debate his opponent and still not win. (I can think of one!) A skilled Dominant can cane
his submissive with precision and still not put him/her into subspace. Human activity is
imperfect.

If you understand that perfect actions do not always lead to perfect results, you can “get
back” on the horse again with little fear. Your Dom did everything correctly; he is a safe
player. Yet, for whatever reason, your scene didn’t work. Welcome to the real world. If I
had a dollar for every scene I have done that didn’t work out as planned, I would have a
fat wallet. But, for every scene that didn’t work out as designed, I usually attempted it
again and got it right.

There is a saying that is it not how many times you get knocked down that is the measure
of the person, but how many times you get up. You got knocked down. It is time to get
up.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.