Coming Out As Kinky

With this corona virus attack lasting over a year so far, it has had wide ranging effects on our society. Not the least of which is, as I mentioned before, the temporary closing of many dungeons – and the “kinda-sorta house arrest” that has stunted our BDSM play options.

But life – and relationships go on. And this week’s query comes from a person who wants to know how to announce his collaring – but from a different perspective. I am sure he is not alone in this concern. So I kept that in mind when I chose the following question.

Reader: I’m gay male sub with a corporate job.  I came out about being gay a long time ago, and nobody made a big deal about it.  I’m now collared to my Dom and thinking about coming out about this too.  What do you think about the pros and cons? I’m proud of my Master and want to tell everyone! I do not want to live in secret.  Any advice?

Although one can find parallels between coming out of our BDSM closet and coming out of the gay one, they are really not the same. For one thing, we don’t have TV shows like “Queer Eye” promoting a user-friendly image for lifestylers. We don’t have an army of pro-gay celebrities talking it up for us. Other than an occasional “CSI” episode, we are generally portrayed as being one step up from cannibals, (Especially with Armie Hammer being accused of harboring cannibalistic tendencies.) Even with the “Fifty Shades” series putting a user friendly face on our lifestyle and the incorporation of BDSM elements in even the most tame porn, there are few outlets extolling the virtues of BDSM.

Discrimination against homosexuals is illegal; last time I looked, there was no such equivalent protection for us. And the gay community can look with pride to Pete Buttigieg as a U.S. Cabinet member; a “Sadistic Senator” is likely quite a way off, Our legal rights are still very much in the gray area; so when you come out of the BDSM closet, you come out on your own. Furthermore, I don’t believe there is an imperative for anyone in our lifestyle to out themselves.

Even with the rapid change in American morals, I still marvel at the apparent ease with which you were able to come out as a gay person “a long time ago” as you state. Although your experience might not be unusual in the bigger cities, don’t assume that it will be easy anywhere once you add BDSM into the mix. Mention that you are into bondage to the average vanilla American, chances are you will hear something like, “You mean you beat your spouse?” Thus, if you come out the closet, you will, in the words of Desi Arnaz, “have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do!”

‘Splainin’ or not, I would carefully weigh the effects of coming out in three major areas. First and foremost is your corporate job. Since you mention this consideration first, it is certainly a serious concern of yours. I do not know your situation, but corporate America is typically conservative. Not only should you never risk your job (unless you hate it and/or have another source of income or want to get unemployment), but you should also assume that once you out yourself, “what could go wrong, will go wrong.” (Murphy’s BDSM Law!) Use a worst-case analysis regarding your occupation. Only if there is no possibility of job-related repercussions should you proceed. Although laws vary from state to state, don’t expect the same type of government protection that our gay brothers and sisters get. Often times Find out what the consequences might be before you make a move. Often local laws require an arrest if an officer sees a black and blue on the female – which can happen after a noise complaint. This is quite the opposite of a gay noise complaint situation.

The second area of concern is kids. If you have children, there could be some legal ramifications. BDSM could be a negative factor in custody battles. When kids are involved, especially young ones, you should never take any chances when the BDSM lifestyle is involved. Rumor mongering and gossip can come back to bite you in the rear end. So, unless you are very secure in your parental situation, “don’t tell and you won’t be asked” is the best policy!

The final consideration I will discuss is your vanilla friends. Obviously, your lifestyle associates know what you are about; in this regard, coming out of the closet is a moot point. And, your very close vanilla friends will stick by you no matter what – or they are not close friends. (My vanilla friends know almost everything about my lifestyle.) Predicting the effect your disclosure will have on the rest – or “non-close” – of your vanilla acquaintances is not easy. Some will be cool with it, others will be shocked, still others might post this info on Facebook. Personally, I would scope them out before I told them anything. Bringing up anything BDSM could entail risks. See if they are open to it. If they aren’t, you risk censure. If you can deal with that, fine. But, you should have a good idea what to expect before you commit to outing yourself. After all, it is always best to look before you leap. In your case, look twice!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.