Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:
“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”
The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.
(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)
Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.
The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.
The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.
The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
An absolutely well-stated article. I too have gone through the gamut of roles and play/sessions as Dominant and sub, Mistress and her m sub, and as true switches fulfilling often misunderstood and unfulfilled needs.
Now, without bashing or negative rhetoric let Me say this: Yes, I AM A Dominant…I am also hedonistic too…in the regard that I will always/all ways make sure my partner (D, s, or otherwise) is always pleased 100% and needs are met in a safe, sane, and consensual manner.Also, my hedonism allows me the freedom to ALWAYS/ALL WAYS be myself whether it is D,s, top/bottom, switch and pursue these without judgment or guilt. I do not judge as it takes all different types to make this great community to make it work as it does and allows everyone the chance to do so when they find the right partner.
So, follow your hearts, engage and explore your fetishes and feral desires in safe, sane, and mutually consensual ways…and never be afraid when you can be truly happy and free to be yourself.
slave anton4 says
It seems to me so difficult to find a real dominant Woman who really lives the Femdom relation in the normal life 24/7. All i find since my Mistress and me got divorced are Mistresses for sessions but not for a real relation. I#m suffering not having a real Femdom relation where i know my place the whole day without no exception.
Mistress Mia Darque says
This was a very thought inspired and provoking article. I will definitely have to share this with a few of my boys don’t quite get the concept that you can be an alpha male and still have a submissive heart. Thank you so much for sharing.
Mistress Kit says
Absolutely. My Alpha slave is totally submissive to me but I hear he is a major prick in the workplace. Do what makes you happy. My Irish grandma used to say. “Enjoy your life because you’ll be dead a long time ” wise advice. Best to you my dear
This is important to figure out. a lot of people hide who they really are