DOM/ME DILEMMAS

Last week, right here on kinkweekly.com, I offered newbie Dom/mes fifteen tips.  But what about the more experienced among you?

Many of you have gotten to a more advanced phase in your BDSM journey. It is at precisely this stage, when you know a lot but still have some questions, that you might need some pointers. These are issues that you might not want to talk to fellow Dominants about. But many of you have experienced – or will experience – these kinds of dilemmas.

Here is a troublesome predicament that greets many a BDSM play-based Dominant who collars – or otherwise commits to a LTR – a submissive after having been together for a while. The Dominant, in scenes, finds that he/she does not play “as hard” after becoming a “serious” couple. Oft times the way it is phrased is, “I cannot bring myself to mark my submissive during play anymore.” This is especially true when the Dom/me is not a sadist, in the strict sense of the word.

This is what I refer to as “prized possession syndrome.” Before claiming the sub, you flogged, caned or paddled the submissive for as long and as hard as you desired (unless the sub safed, of course) with few other considerations.  You were both trying to please yourself and simultaneously impress the sub. (Face it, you wanted to impress the sub!) And the submissive was impressed – because he/she accepted your collar.

There were no other factors at this point other than the play itself. But once you became committed to the sub, other considerations became part of your play. You now might not want to mark or otherwise harm – no matter how lightly – your “prized possession.” You might be more self-conscious of what you perceive your sub’s opinion of you will be. Yet your submissive just might really want you to “do it the way you used to do it.”

The best way to deal with this is to understand that this is a very common problem. Just be aware of it and negotiate your scenes a little more carefully.  State that “I am going to go harder on you this time, like when we met” and, once you submissive consents, be as aggressive as you were when you first were scening. If the submissive knows you are aware that you have been hitting less forcefully, you eliminate the risk of the submissive “topping from the bottom” in mid-scene to prod you to return to the ways the submissive liked. (You never want to hear “You hit like a girl/boy.”) Stay in control of the scene. And the best way to stay in control is for the submissive to know you are aware of what you are doing – both when you go light and when you decide to go heavy.

Another thing I hear from Doms in 24/7, D/s relationships is, “This is hard work.” Call it “Dom/me fatigue.” Well, to paraphrase the expression, “Dommin’ ain’t easy.” Taking responsibility – “owning a slave” in D/s parlance – is quite a task. But is it any more work than having a vanilla partner? And the vanilla partner offers far less in terms of what you need than a submissive one does. The trick here lies in what the definition of 24/7 is. If 24/7 means – and it does to some – micromanaging every moment of the slave’s time, then you will probably be exhausted. It comes with the territory. There is nothing I can offer to change that. But most Dom/mes do not want to micromanage – yet they do want to be in charge overall. All D/s relationships are different, of course, but the principles remain the same. To be able to maintain a 24/7 Master/slave relationship over a long period of time, one must have “breathing room.” The tendency is for Dom/mes who reach the “first plateau” with respect to experience is to want to do too much. Much like the quarterback who wants to call every play, this Dominant will soon find him/herself exhausted. And the whole thing will cease to be fun.

The best way to deal with “Dom/me fatigue” is to realize that once you have collared your slave, you have done most of the hard work. Let the power exchange work for you. Have fun with it. If you need a day off, simply take it. You are the Dom/me – and that allows you to pace your relationship as you see fit.  As I have stressed ad nauseam here on kinkweekly.com, 24/7 does not have to literally mean twenty-four hours seven days a week. It can

mean that you own your slave full time; but you do not have to be Domming him/her every second of every day. If you have a particularly needy slave and you find it draining, train him/her to be more self-sufficient. To repeat, you are the Dom/me. And although it comes with responsibilities, it also enables you to structure the relationship as you wish.

Once you get the rhythm down, you will find that being a Dom/me is not, and should not be, that draining. It should actually be an awful lot of fun!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.