One of the most exciting things about BDSM is “pushing limits.” I have written articles here on kinkweekly.com regarding boredom – that even BDSM can get boring. But “pushing limits” seems to be a wonderful anti-boredom prescription.
In many D/s relationships, what was once a hard limit often becomes a favorite activity. D/s relationships are fluid, not static, interactions. But a Master/Mistress should not take on a submissive who states that monogamy is a hard limit and assume that he can change her/him at his/her whim. In this case the Dom/me is no better than the clowns on Jerry Springer who spring some mondo-bizarro fetish on unsuspecting wifey and say, “this is what I really want.” If your Dominant agreed to be with you fully aware of your hard limit, then he should not insist you to do it — at least not until you change your views. And herein I propose a system to expand hard limits elegantly.
I can not over emphasize how important negotiations are when you start a Master/slave or Dom/me/sub relationship. Serious misunderstandings can result from sloppy – or worse, a lack of — negotiations. But assuming you clearly delineate what the hard limits are, one should employ this concept that I have used quite successfully.
When you start a D/s relationship, write down all hard limits – no matter how crazy they may seem. Include everything from golden showers to cock cages and everything in between. Make your list as complete as you can. You can compose your list from this master list:
Acrophobia – being aroused from heights.
Acrotomophilia – being aroused by amputees.
Agalmatophilia – being aroused by statues.
Barosmia – being aroused by smells.
Body parts (including surgically altered)
Dirty sex (literal) – sexual activity in and around dirt, mud, or oil.
High heel worship
Piercing (temporary and permanent)
Prostitution (role play)
Taking erotic photos
Now here is the key: every month of so, go over your “hard limit list” and see if you are curious about expanding some hard limits. What was once a hard limit might now be a soft one. The key, as I see it, is to look at hard limits as not being written in stone. It is a flexible list where there might be room for experimentation. If you examine them in a timely manner, you will be able to expand your BDSM repertoire without “stepping on toes.” (Or “stepping on toes” as an activity!)
For example, many people list needle play as a hard limit. As the relationship evolves, the slave might be more receptive to a needle play demand. The Master/Mistress should often talk about all hard limits as the relationship grows. Then he/she will know when the time is right. But changing hard limits cannot be as inelegant as saying “do it because I am the Dom/me.” This might work for a few couples, but more often than not it is a prescription for disaster.
Pushing a slave’s limits is an exciting part of any D/s relationship. And taking a “hard limit” and converting it into a soft limit can be thrilling – if done right!
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.