How to dominate him without being a bitch

Of all the questions I get here and in person, the most perplexing ones concern the lines between Dom/me and sub. With the (welcomed) influx of a new gereration of players, the old hard-and-fast rules no longer apply – unless you want them to! The following question illustrates this dilemma perfectlyu – so let’s go.

Reader: I met my fiancé online. We’re both switches, but right now I’m more comfortable as his slave. I want to control him, but I hold back for fear that I’ll cross the line between Mistress and plain old controlling bitch. I also fear I’ll go too far when punishing him. How can I break through this wall so we can take our play to that next level?

Whew!  Here’s my advice — if you’re gonna switch, switch!  Now, what do I mean by that? In most non-switching D/s couples, the Top is always the Top, the bottom is always the bottom.  You and your fiancé, on the other hand, are rather lucky. There are really no constraints on your play. Both of you can Top and/or bottom; thus, you have an enormous assortment of scenarios you can try out in your BDSM play.  Twice the variety can be twice the fun. If you and your fiancé are not into D/s ‘outside the dungeon,’ as I call it, there is really nothing to worry about. If this is the case with you, then the phrase ‘controlling bitch’ is irrelevant.  Controlling a scene is not being a bitch. When you Top, be as controlling as you like; other than negotiated play limits, simply go for it. Have a blast. As I said, if you’re gonna switch, switch! And don’t give it a second thought.

My feeling is that you should worry about being a “controlling bitch” only if you have a D/s relationship outside the dungeon.  Most switches who have such a D/s relationship tend to be either Dom/Domme or submissive – each partner takes one role. Any other way would be rather chaotic.  Are you Domme on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and submissive the other days of the week? Alternate weeks? Months with the letter “r” in them? (Then you could Domme him with oysters!) What if both want to be Dominant at the same time?  How do you decide? Roll the dice? Scrabble? Poker? Even those who do switch outside the bedroom, however, tend to have a predominant role orientation and then agree to switch for an allotted period of time. For example, they switch for a week every three months or so.  Nevertheless, most 24/7 D/s switch couples have a set hierarchy of some kind; if this is your case, you might want to check the word “bitch” at the door.  

As a Domme, you must understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship.  It is not only about punishment. It is not only about control. It is about maintaining a balance between reward and punishment, between control and understanding.  You can be a brutal Domme when you scene and not be a ‘controlling bitch’; but if you are a punishment-mad tyrant outside the dungeon, that title just might fit you.

The trick to keeping the “b” word (bitch) out and the “c” word (control) in lies in communication.  You must understand your submissive’s needs and your own. Since you are in control, you must understand how to make him serve you and also get pleasure in serving you.  To properly control and train a submissive, there must be both reward and punishment. Being in control does not mean being a despot. A good Mistress approaches her craft with a sense of balance and knows what techniques bring out the best in her submissive.  A good Domme can be severe and demanding without being a bitch.

What many people forget is that both partners in a D/s couple should get pleasure from their role – the submissive from serving, the Dominant from training the submissive to serve and controlling a lot of the action.  After all, we are all in this for pleasure and fun. So, if the phrase “controlling bitch” is how your submissive would describe you as his Domme, you are probably doing it wrong. (Unless he gets off on you being a controlling bitch!) 

Switching, like anything else, has both its difficulties and its rewards.  But if you can keep the “b” word out of the relationship part, you can take the play part to incredible levels.  And then, when you switch, you can really switch!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.