Finally, with the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel beginning to break through, I am starting to get emails that seem to be assuming the end of this “Crazy-Covid” year. As many of us were in some form of “quarantine” at home, those questions that I have gotten were, naturally, relationship-based queries. After all, play questions tend to be technical and usually revolve around “how do I prevent my BDSM skills from eroding?’ I have addressed those issues in previous articles; this week’s question is one I found rather unique in that it combined light play, switching, fantasies, age play, threesomes and a variant of the “Seven Year Itch.” You might call this the question of questions.. So here it is, in all its “kitchen sink” glory.
Reader: My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise. We’re practicing BDSMers who rarely play in public. I’m usually Dom; she usually sub. We sometimes Switch. Lately, she’s become attracted to younger women, and wishes to explore play with them as a Domme. She insists that I be present and at least observe, if not participate as the head Dom. Though this is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine. Is this getting too complicated? Are we leading ourselves into a relationship trap? Help!
The key to your relationship lies in your statement, “My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise.” And, by your question, it seems you wish to avoid situations that might jeopardize this foundation; obviously you have observed that threesomes – no matter what you call them – are really hard to maintain. And that is an understatement. It might be easier to juggle nitroglycerin that to have a solid, long term “extended family” let alone not ruin the original “smaller” family. That said, if you are going to attempt it – I have attempted it many times so I know whereof I speak – let’s see how you can expand your boundaries without putting your relationship at risk.
The “relationship trap” you refer to is, more than likely, that of a third person entering your relationship and ruining it. If I had a bitcoin for every D/s relationship that hit a snag because a third person upset the apple cart – either by opening up feelings of mistrust and jealousy, or by stealing the other person’s affections – I would be a very rich man. So, your apprehension – even in the context of a secure, trusting relationship — is not unfounded. So, how you do you protect yourself against such an outcome?
No matter what, you have to accept that inviting a third person into your relationship entails a certain amount of risk, no matter how small. Much like skydiving, some danger is clearly the price of admission for your thrills. That said, your aim should not be eliminating risk, but rather minimizing it. And, as the concerned one, it comes down to you to be the “gatekeeper” and not allow any person to jeopardize your relationship.
The first thing you must do is to carefully scrutinize any potential play partner. I always suggest an extensive vanilla meeting before you play; this will give you a sense of what the other person is all about – especially since that person appears significantly younger.. What are her aims? Is she looking for her own Domme or is she really just desirous of play? Using a vanilla term, is she a “home wrecker?” You can never absolutely know a person’s true desires (thus, there is always risk…the skydiving principle, ya know!), but you can get a good sense of her game plan with a probing interview. You must also make your rules (be the Dom!) crystal clear to any play partner you are interested in. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that any emotional incursion into your relationship will end it right then and there. You should not forget to discuss your personal limits with your partner; the most important of these being that you can call the whole thing off any time you want.
Once play begins, you must always look for signs of any bonding that goes beyond simple play. Obviously, you can never control the human heart. But if you see any danger signs, it is better to be safe than sorry and get rid of that play partner. This might seem a bit harsh, but play partners can be replaced far more easily than life partners. And as the Mafia Don in Casino counseled, “Why take a chance?”
Finally, you state, “Though this (having a second woman) is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine.” I have always said that BDSM should be fun; it should not be like cleaning the Aegean stables. If you find this aspect of your relationship hard to take (although I cannot imagine why; but I am a male and I too love the two girl fantasy!), you should talk it over with your partner. Maybe, play only occasionally. Or, limit the actual play that takes place. And sex — which tends to bring out the most emotional of feelings — does not have to be included in your scenes.
No matter how you approach it, never lose sight of the fact that your relationship always comes first. Weighing the risks against the gain is always a consideration that should not be far from your mind when trying to keep your relationship moving forward – and moving forward safely!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.