Now here’s a doozy (now there’s a word I never used before!) of a question that was submitted to me. I guess this must be a common concern as even I have pondered this dilemma. So without further adiex – or something like that – here is the question:
Reader: I’m a Dom and I love giving head, but I don’t want to come across as submissive… it’s such a submissive thing to have someone’s cock or pussy in your mouth… how can you do this in a Domly fashion? Is it even possible? How can “servicing” your submissive be Domly?
I have always maintained that D/s is a system wherein the objective is for both parties to get what they want. What distinguishes it from a vanilla union (where, similarly, both people strive to get what they both want) is that in a D/s relationship there is a definitive, negotiated power exchange. But, what constitutes a dominant or a submissive act is determined solely within the universe of the D/s couple.
And herein lies the key. I do not think any act, sexual or otherwise, is inherently dominant or submissive. For example, it might appear that boot licking is an intrinsically submissive act. On the surface, it does lend itself conveniently to a show of submission. But, what if a Dominant actually loved licking boots? Must this Dominant forever be sentenced to being unfulfilled in this need? Is this pleasure off limits to him? Does it make him/her less of a Dom/me because he loves to lick boots? I don’t think so. I can easily write a scenario that turns boot licking into an act of dominance. Here, the Dom/me orders his/her submissive to “present boots for licking.” Would not this twist in verbiage change the implication of the act? Remember, much of dominance and submission lies in its mental aspects. If an act has a submissive edge to it, and is presented as such, it becomes an act of submission – regardless of how it appears on the surface. Thus, if the Dom/me says, “Worship my boots,” the act is clearly one of submission. Should the Dom/me order, “Present boots for licking, slave,” the act is now one of dominance. Same act, different D/s hierarchy.
Similarly, the act of oral sex is not, per se, submissive. Many people assume it is, mainly because it lends itself to a “service me” mindset. But, it is much like boot licking in the example above. If you are not comfortable switching and want to preserve a set D/s dynamic at all times, then you simply have to change the setup of the act. “Present pussy for Master,” would be an order that would immediately change the power dynamics into one of dominance. This would be one elegant solution. After all, it would be silly to expect any Master to give up something he loves simply because many people stereotype it as submission. In fact, you might say giving in to a stereotype and thus sacrificing pleasure is the ultimate act of submission. A Dom/me who gives in to outside judgments of what he should and should not do is no Dom/me at all.
The way I see it, it is the setup of your relationship and the protocols within it that determine the overall power exchange dynamics – not one or two individual acts. Besides, there are always times when a submissive will say things like, “harder” or “slow down;” that doesn’t turn the Master into a slave. These are preferences stated in the throws of passion; I doubt if any Dom/me would get bent out of shape or feel threatened by them. If the overall power dynamic of your relationship is sound, no big deal.
Any given sexual act is but a small spoke in a much bigger D/s wheel. In my personal experience, there is no such thing as absolute dominance. One should not be rating every little act within your relationship as being “Domly” or “Undomly.” Soon you will have to hire judges rating you from 1 –10 like in the Olympics. Rather than go this way, I suggest you do what you enjoy and try to work everything out within your D/s protocols.
In other words, if you like it, do it. You are, after all, the Dom/me!
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.