Kinky Sex vs. BDSM

With so many couples bored indoors because of the pandemic, many are looking to add some spice to their life other than watching the latest Zombiefest on AMC.  I have gotten many questions similar to the following one, so I figured it is time to give some friendly advice on the matter.  So here it is:

Reader: My partner and I have played with kinky sex, but what do we have to do to take that to BDSM?  What are the differences?

Many people, including me, came to this lifestyle after experimenting with kinky sex and then wanting to take the leap into BDSM.  This is to be expected; if you experiment in one area of play – sex – why not try out other arenas?  This step is not a big one in and of itself.  As the old Chinese proverb states, a journey of a million miles begins with just a single step.  For many kinksters, that first stride may have already been taken – a little spanky-spank!  If you are already a sexual adventurer (or adventuress), chances are you have done at least a little spanking.  And, if you haven’t, you should make spanking that first step.  For one thing, you already have the spanking implement of choice readily available — your hand.  No trips to the BDSM store needed.  No instructions necessary.  Just beat and eat!  (Groan….)

Each step you take brings you closer to integrating BDSM into your “kinky sex and play” journey.  For example, if you find spanking is adding excitement to your kinky sex sessions – then just “follow the yellow brick road.”  This road leads to an array of toys that will add even more spice and variety to your spanking scenes.  Learning to use a flogger, a paddle, a cane or any number of implements is not difficult to do.  Buy a flogger.  Buy a riding crop.  Buy a paddle.  These items can be ordered online, won’t bankrupt you and are easy to master.  Just settle on a safe word and play.  

Start gently and hit harder over time and let the safe word be your guide.  This is not rocket science.  It is a stepwise entry into a lifestyle that will dovetail seamlessly and effortlessly into your kinky sex world.  These first steps alone – hand spanking, flogging, caning, paddling, cropping — can keep you entertained for years.  (Hopefully the corona virus will be gone by then!)  If you want to take it further, or if spanking is not your cup of tea, entry into many other forms of BDSM play is as easy as A.B.C.

Step A.  Just find those pictures on the Internet (kinkweekly.com, fetlife.com and youtube.com are great sources) that turn you on.  Your body will tell you what gets you hot; no need to think too much!  For example, if bondage pictures excite you, add immobilization to your spanking sessions.  Just buy some rope (the Home Depot is open) and tie your submissive’s wrists to the bedposts, and voila — instant bondage!  If you are not a natural at using rope, then use leather wrist/ankle cuffs and a bunch of metal karibeeners to get the job done.  (Karibeeners are those spring-loaded aluminum locking links that are used for mountain climbing; easy on, easy off.  I used them recently (until the dungeons closed) for many of my bondage scenes.  Once the bottom is immobilized then go to step B.

Step B.  Emulate the techniques used in the photos/videos that get you hot.  If putting nipple clamps on the breasts of the bound submissive does it for you, nipple clamps it is.  If the submissive is blindfolded, use a blindfold.  If the bottom is wearing a ball gag, then use a ball gag.  (In this particular case, agree on a safe signal.)  Which leads to C.

Step C.  Use your imagination.   Be inventive in your BDSM play.  Experiment.  As long as you are playing safely, you are playing correctly. 

Step D.  Add D/s play into your repertoire. This is easy – especially if one in Dominant and the other is submissive. Obedience and punishment are the basis of this interaction.   

As to the differences between BDSM and kinky sex, I haven’t a clue.  Remember, you can have a BDSM session without any sex at all – kinky or otherwise.  Or, you can combine them.  Or, you can even mix vanilla sex and kinky BDSM.  Any and all combinations are possible.  You might say that kinky sex and BDSM are like that steakhouse chain’s slogan, “No rules, just right!”

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.