It’s that time of year for New Year’s resolutions that few of us keep. Here, at kinkweekly.com, we won’t burden you with advice you don’t need or guidance you will ignore. So, instead of the usual suggestions, we will offer a new concept for improving your kinky BDSM relationships — “Learn from my mistakes!”
We all know that the only way a child learns how to avoid a hot stove, despite his parents admonitions, is to get burned. It is a sad fact that we, as humans, rarely learn except from our own mistakes. I, too, have often not followed my own advice. Thus, I will list a half dozen mistakes I have personally made. Maybe this concept – learning from my errors rather than your own – will be a new strategy that will prove surprisingly effective. At the very least, it will give you a personal insight into being a Dominant – an oft times demanding, although greatly rewarding, “job.”
1. Timing. When you first meet a sub, he/she is not your submissive. You are negotiating. But, one should not wait too long before establishing basic expectations. (In the fictional Fifty Shades, I applaud the fact that Christian presented his ‘hardware store recruit’ with a “slave contract” rather quickly. Expecting her to sign it immediately is a bit much, but at least he explains what he is about.) For example, honorifics are important to me. In one instance, I waited far too long to tell her that I wished to be called “Sir” at all times. By the time I decided to insist on this and other basic protocols (I am a low/medium-protocol Dom, so I am not talking about a lot of rituals), she had great difficulty making the change. Establishing good D/s habits early on is the lesson to be learned here.
2. Assuming. I have incorrectly assumed that certain BDSM words had specific meanings. For example, if a submissive says she is “poly,” one should not presume that she wants to be part of a poly family. She might only want a triad from time to time. Or, she might simply be “poly-tolerant” and is not really into it at all. One should probe a sub’s needs and proclivities deeply – and not assume anything.
3. Follow through. The times I have had the most problems in my D/s relationships were when I neglected to fulfill minor promises. They might, on the surface, seem trivial; but once the power exchange is established, it is very easy for a Dom/me to get lazy and forget minor commitments. After all, no one is going to call you on it. But, missed promises add up. If you are not careful, they can erode the power exchange as brutally as a major neglected promise. Follow through on even the most inconsequential pledge. It might not be as inconsequential as you think!
4. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. This political statement has great BDSM wisdom built into it. Obviously, no Master has absolute power. One should always be self-examining, humble and not wield power arbitrarily. Make a special effort to be a wise, not an imperious, Master.
5. Don’t try to change human nature. I have found that major behavior modification, which I have written about in previous kinkweekly.com articles, is a rare event. Dom/mes are not all-powerful… duh! If one wants a low/medium-protocol slave, don’t try and take a slave who is basically low-protocol and attempt to change him/her. I tried this once; it did not work. I never attempted it again. When you negotiate with a prospective slave and the BDSM needs are at odds, likely it is time to move on.
6. It’s a relationship, dammit! Sometimes a Dominant can get so wrapped up in the D/s and BDSM aspects of a relationship, he/she can overlook the human facets of it. Don’t think of these concerns as being vanilla. Instead, look at them as being essential interpersonal ingredients in any relationship. Remember, she is not only your slave, she is also your boy/girl friend!
These are six mistakes I have made in my BDSM journey. I am sure I have made many other and will discuss them in future articles. But, I try not to repeat my mistakes. And, hopefully, you won’t repeat any of mine!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.