I really like questions that have no easy answers. It gives me a challenge. The latest one is a real “doozy”, for want of a better word. Let’s get to the question ASAP.
Reader: I’m a contracted slave of two years and just learned that my Master cheated on me. As we do not have an open relationship, this is a clear violation of our contract (“Master will never lie to slave”), what are my options? Must I ask for my release? Is the bond of trust irrevocably broken? Can this relationship ever be repaired?”
This dilemma obviously concerns trust issues; I have covered these concerns extensively in two previous articles:
These articles notwithstanding, this is one whopper of a dilemma. From my experience, I have noted that once trust is broken in a Master/slave relationship, it is very difficult, although not impossible, to re-establish it. Why is that? It appears that M/s relationships have a lot less elasticity than their vanilla counterparts. In one sense you get a lot more; in another sense you give a lot more. When someone is called a “Master,” which is how you describe your significant other, he/she is held to a higher standard. This does not imply infallibility; it does mean than when a “Master” lies, it has more significance than when a vanilla boyfriend does. After all, how many vanilla boyfriends put down in writing, “Boyfriend will never lie to girlfriend?” Thus, after a big lie – and cheating is a big lie in any type of relationship, let alone a Master/slave one — re-establishing trust and, more importantly, respect is quite a task. I am not being a hard-ass here. It is just that realistically, you can’t be a lying, cheating “Master.” Here is an example I use to illustrate the fragility of Master/slave relationships.
“The famous BDSM question, “Would you walk in front of a bus if your Master ordered you to?” is usually answered, “Yes I would, but Master would never ask me to do it.” That is fine in theory. It sounds good. It works great online. But, in reality, ask your slave to walk in front of a bus and the answer will be, “Fuck you, Asshole.” Notice, the word “Master” was replaced by “Asshole.” And once the title “Master” is replaced by “Asshole,” the D/s relationship is, more than likely, dead.”
Your Master did not do anything quite as asinine like ordering you to walk in front of a bus. But he did abrogate his agreement; thus your respect for him must, by definition, have slipped significantly. If the Master cheats and – most important — lies about it, how can the submissive realistically use the term “Master” anymore? Respect, that delicate dynamic upon which the power exchange is built, can be permanently destroyed in the blink of an eye. Your circumstances are clearly not as extreme as the bus example, but your situation is precarious nonetheless.
Keeping this example in mind, I will address your question, as I see it, point by point.
Must I ask for my release? The answer is “no.” Although his breaking of the slave contract gives you the right to ask for your release, there is no BDSM protocol that says you must ask for your release under these circumstances.
Is the bond of trust irrevocably broken? Again, the answer is “no.” Trust can always be re-established in any relationship. To my way of thinking, this is not the determinant of whether your relationship can be repaired. People make mistakes and grow from overcoming them. Instead, the pivotal question should actually be, “Is the bond of respect irrevocably broken?” How much respect did you lose for him when he cheated on you? Was it to the level of the bus question or was it just a minor dent in the overall respect he commanded from you? Did you mentally replace the word Master with “asshole” or did his behavior elicit a much milder reaction from you? And how important in your dynamic is respecting your Master to the overall conduct of your relationship?
If you believe you can re-establish the needed level of respect that will enable you, in good conscious, to continue to call him “Master,” then the answer to your final question, “Can this relationship ever be repaired?” is “yes.”
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.