With the “Changing of the Old Guard,” I would like to address actual questions that are submitted to me. My answers, of course, are merely my opinions and should be taken as such. Nevertheless, our aim here at kinkweekly.com should be to encourage BDSM dialogue, and answering actual questions is one good place to start.
Here is this week’s question: “I am a Millennial new to BDSM. I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play?”
By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up. Many Millennials new to BDSM are experimenting. It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum. So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out where you lie in the BDSM continuum.
1. Get in touch with what you really want. Be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what fantasies really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be. Get an idea of the range of play will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want. Try and put these fantasies in your order of preference. After a while, you will get a pretty good idea of what is hot to you – and what is not.
2. Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do. There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it. Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.
3. The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.
For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave. Unless you only fanaticize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy. Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave. Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dom/me, but rather look for a submissive who is into learning with you.
On the other side, you should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing. The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.
At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie. But don’t worry; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom/me, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be. Forget labels; just learn what you really are.
In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies. Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.” Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle. Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go. Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it. And if you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one. Not a bad start, I must say!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.