Tips to avoid burnout in your BDSM relationship

As many of my readers know – and many here at kinkweekly.com – I am in a long-term D/s relationship. Although we are talking more than seven years, it has not been a totally smooth ride. As with all relationships, arguments, tension and boredom enter when you least expect them. That is the bad news. The good news is that – as opposed to vanilla dynamics – it is much easier to right a ship sailing the BDSM waters. Clearly in a true Master/slave dynamic, there is more inherent honesty than its vanilla counterpart. As a personal example, I was in Las Vegas a number of years ago. I met some girl and spent the night. The next morning my submissive called and asked me what I was doing.  I told her I spent a night with a women and my sub said, “Was she hot?” No arguments, no questioning, no insecurity. “Next time can you call me so I can listen,” she added. A vanilla girl more than likely would have torn my head off. But this doesn’t mean that BDSM solves all problems. But a solid, honest, negotiated hierarchy helps. But what if it is simple boredom that is a problem, what in vanilla terms is called “the Seven Year Itch?”

Many longer term D/s couples (and short term couples, too) often suffer from what I call “BDSM burnout.” Why burnout happens is simple enough. Domming (and subbing) ain’t easy. It takes work, energy and time. Sometimes the BDSM relationship can start to become a chore rather than a joy. It can be the submissive who has “had it up to here” with pleasing her Dominant. It can be the Dominant who finds that the effort he/she must put into being the Master/Mistress outweighs the rewards. It can be a combination of the two. However it happens, here are some very effective remedies I can suggest.

Go to a dungeon play party. By attending a dungeon party, you solve three problems at once. First of all, you get away from your house, your phones and your chores for a night. The atmosphere is so far removed from your day-to-day life, you can escape into the world of BDSM effortlessly. Secondly, you can pick up on the energy of the other players. Thirdly, you can observe new ways to play that might inspire you. This is a win/win/win proposition; you might even solve most of your problems in one night!

If you had written a slave diary, both of you should read it. I always recommend that the slave write a diary chronicling his/her play experiences. If you were fortunate enough to have done this, just re-read them and see what got you off – and what didn’t. You can then easily recreate the best of your past scenes. If you did not write one, it might be time to start one now. Should your relationship hit another snag, you will appreciate having a roadmap back.

Boredom busters. It is easy to get bored doing anything. “Filet mignon, filet mignon…not filet mignon again!” Defeating boredom actually takes work. (This is where I agree with the “Dr. FullOfIt” types.) If it is simply a question of being bored with your play, you must put in the effort and master new techniques. For example, if you are into hand spanking, learn to use a cane. If you are into rope bondage, learn more exotic skills like Shibari. If you usually eschew pain, experiment with some very light pain. These types of approaches will definitely introduce excitement into your BDSM life.

Buy new toys. Go through a BDSM catalogue and pick up some toys. You’d be surprised how a new item can fire up your play. There is usually a toy featured on the kinkweekly.com homepage. Click on it. See, that was easy!  

Discuss without protocols. Have a frank discussion without any D/s protocols. The submissive should not be afraid of speaking out; the Dominant should not be afraid of looking un-Domly. What exactly were the cornerstones of your original enthusiasm? Are either of you not pulling your BDSM weight? What particular sequences turned you on or off to D/s? A super-honest dialogue is often all you need.

Don’t be afraid to change your protocols. Nothing is written in stone. If you had protocols you now ignore – resurrect them. If you have maintained some that now bore you – replace them.

Take a break. Try stopping all D/s and BDSM for a month or two. Taking a break – and starting up fresh later on – may just do the trick.

Hire a pro Domme. Many commercial dungeons, like Sanctuary L.A., offer reasonably priced sessions which can be both exciting and instructive.

Think outside the box — switch. There is nothing wrong with trying something completely different. Change can be very exciting!

With just a little work, you can once again have “intense scenes and highly connective play.” And, you will likely find your BDSM interactions to be even more intense the second time around!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.