If you were wondering about the #9357, it refers to the fact that there are likely 9357 lifestylers debating “Where does topping from the bottom start and where does it end?’ This is the bondage equivalent of debating, “Who is better Tom Brady or Drew Brees?” Or, “Who is the better singer, Adele or the late Whitney Houston?” (Brady, Houston!) These are unanswerable, subjective opinion questions that can entertain you for hours, but there really is no definitive answer, Similarly, this week’s “Ask BaadMaster” question lacks a definitive answer – it does have within it many opinions as answers that will give your BDSM journey some great signposts. So, here it is:
Reader: I am a collared female submissive. Every time I ask my Dom for something, like a McDonald’s hamburger, or make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom,” and punishes me. Is he right?
Before I can hazard a guess, I would have to know certain details of your relationship. At the very least, is this is a negotiated relationship or a less formal D/s union. (There are many articles on “Negotiation” here on kinkweekly.com . Just search “Negotiation” and many great articles come up. And not are all mine!) The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship. For example, if a “slave contract” were signed in a high protocol union, (again, see the “Slave Contract” piece), most times the contract begins with something like, “The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. Her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him.” If this is the case, the way the slave asked for her hamburger is the determinant whether the Dom is right or wrong. If she said, “There’s a MickeyD’s, pull in, I’m hungry” she might have been “topping from the bottom” depending on the terms in the contract. On the other hand, it is the Master’s obligation (also in many contracts) “to feed her if she is hungry.” So, if he was not feeding her and, out of hunger and frustration, she said “get me a burger,” the Master is not only at fault, he is also an idiot. “Feed your slave” is commandment number one!
Most Doms can not read minds (although many act as though they can), so there must always be a way for a slave to express her needs. This is called protocol, as in “Master, or Sir, may I…?” Now if the slave says “Master, may slave have a cheeseburger?” and he calls this topping from the bottom, he is dead wrong.
Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs her first contract and after a while, she gets sick of asking, “Master, may I…?” and longs for her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what she wants. It is up to the Master to correct these habits – or give the slave off time where she can talk in a less formal way. But even with a lot of free time she finds all this structure a drag, it is time for her to give up the slave routine.
In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, protocol and communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of a negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom should not have to read his sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking malnourished.
On the other hand, many new Doms think they are Lord and Master and any request made by their sub is “topping from the bottom.” Wrong – on two counts. One, it is wrong, duh! Two, keep this up long enough and slave will become ex-slave.
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.