via stock.adobe.comAre you a kinky, and dating a vanilla girlfriend / boyfriend, or even got to the point that they are now your husband or wife? Take my advice – don’t waste any more of your precious time…
If you are regular reader of this web site, then it’s highly likely you are kinky. And by kinky, I don’t mean that you like to spice things up with your partner once and a while with some silk scarves. I mean that BDSM is in your blood… your DNA even. And you likely spend a good amount of time playing with it, fantasizing about it, or living it.
You may have always known you were kinky – since before you even knew what sex was, you were drawn to situations and depictions involving power exchange and bondage. Or you may have had a particular moment when your kink was awakened – perhaps with a partner introducing you to BDSM – which was akin to letting the genie out of the bottle (there’s no getting it back in there).
My point is – people are either kinky or they are not. Vanilla people cannot be made kinky, just as kinky cannot be made vanilla.
And so when a kinky person and a vanilla person date (and maybe even fall in love), it can never end well. And yet this is this is a problem that comes up time and time again, played out by almost every kinky person I have met (and I know a lot of kinky people), sometimes over and over again.
Take me. I have had several long terms relationships (each more than 2 years) since my late teens. In each case, we met and felt a strong chemistry and a deep attraction. Each of my exes was beautiful in her own distinct way – and engaging, funny, likeable. Of course, we had ups and downs in the course of our relationships, as all couples do. But they were good women, and each time we laughed together, grew and experienced new things, and traveled to exotic and wonderful places.
And yet in each case, kink was a divide between us. And ultimately, the reason that the relationships could not last.
Don’t get me wrong – none of these women I dated were prudes. In fact, they were quite sexual and adventurous in their own way. They were up for trying new things, playing with some toys and trying out experiences. But with respect to BDSM, there was always a point after which the novelty wore off and they conceded that they just weren’t really that into it.
I, like you, am kinky. When it comes to BDSM, I love every letter of the acronym. And since joining the kinky community, I have met hundreds of kinky people in LA and all over the world. And each time I do, I feel that connection of speaking with someone who is like me, who gets me.
And from my conversations with all of these kinky people I have met, I have heard so many stories just like mine. Of years or even decades from teenage years through adulthood, when these kinksters were figuring out their own identity and sexuality. Trying to understand why they liked these things that were strange and deviant to regular folks, realizing they needed to keep certain desires to themselves. And then reigniting and fully realizing those desires upon the thrilling discovery of the kink community.
All of these people had similar stories of ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, ex-wives, who they had tried to introduce to kink. Trying to get their man to dominate them, or get their girlfriend to tie them up. So many relationships where ultimately they failed because the kinky person could not get their needs met. Because vanilla people cannot be made kinky.
And it is terrible. When you love someone and love being with them, but know deep down that there is an important part of yourself that your partner just doesn’t understand, and never will.
It had made me question my kinkiness at times. Made me wonder if I can push it aside, forget about it, grow out of it, bury it. Somehow “cure” myself of kink. And now of course I know that is ludicrous – in the same category as trying to “pray away the gay” – it’s just not possible. And of course the other thing I know now is that I wouldn’t want to de-kink myself, even if I could. Because without kink, I would not have met all of the amazing people I now know in the community, or felt the joy and the high of a scene with play partner, or the deep connection of D/s.
So I would say this: if you know you are kinky, don’t waste your time getting into a relationship with a vanilla person. The further into it you get, the more difficult and heart-wrenching it will become for both of you to leave later.
Now, that isn’t to say you can’t go on some dates with people who aren’t overtly kinky. After all, sometimes it takes a little while before someone opens up about things like this. It’s worth getting to know someone well enough to know for sure. But don’t beat around the bush, and don’t hide that it’s an important factor for you in dating.
One caveat is that it is possible that you might meet someone who is kinky but hasn’t discovered that side of themselves yet. They might need some encouragement to “awaken” their kink. I do think that is pretty rare in western culture now though – given the massive publicity and exposure that BDSM has received in recent times.
What to do if you are in a long term relationship already with a vanilla, and either have finally accepted the importance of kink to yourself, or realized that your partner just isn’t kinky? My advice is to end it. Be gentle about it, be compassionate about it, communicate with them, support them. But do it.
No doubt there are all kinds of “what if’s” that might be thrown at me in response to this. And there may be some pretty gnarly ones… not the least of which is marriage and children. And ultimately, no one but you knows the ins and outs of your situation and so I can’t tell you definitively what is right for you.
But what I can tell you is about all the people I have met in the community who finally did realize they needed to embrace their kinky selves. Some of whom waited until they were in their 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or 60s, or 70s, before biting the bullet and doing it and that once they did, they realized that they had finally found themselves, their community, their people. And almost all wished that they had the courage to do it much, much sooner.
There is one exception that I would add to all of this. Occasionally, a kinky person may be in a relationship with someone vanilla where the relationship is so open, trusting, positive and strong, that the kinky person can go out and explore the community and play with others, without it damaging or impacting on the bond of that relationship. I have seen this work long-term in a couple of cases. So if you are in this situation then you are very fortunate and you should make the most of your freedom to explore. But if you aren’t, and you try forcing your relationship into this mold, you may find it very difficult and ultimately unsuccessful.
Have you found yourself in a relationship with a vanilla person that you wished was kinky? I would love to hear about it in the comments section below.
Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.
Kate says
Omg this is written about my life. I got married to my vanilla husband and he is the best person in the world but I am unhappy with our sex life. I’ve grown to love the fact that I am a sub I love being dominated and submissive to who I am with, unfortunately I am a control freak when it comes to life out of bed and I really don’t do dominant in bed. I’ve tried getting my husband to be more dominant tied to teach him about the power play and the respect and trust that come with it. I am really struggling husband is very vanilla he feels he will hurt me and won’t do any of the stiff that satisfy me in the end over the last two years I sort of just tried to be more vanilla for him but I am feeling frustrated. I started talking to a person that sexually was fulfilling everything I needed and now I’m in a massive problem. I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know how long can I last being just a good girl.
Tom X says
While I do concur with most analysis you’ve made in this article (one i disagree with is determining that People who have not yet discovered their Bdsm side are rare. Discovering your kinks is more than being exposed to ideas. More often than not the idea is already there but as always the pressure from society and upbringing is what’s stopping people. No amount of exposure is going to change this anytime soon.) I believe you draw the wrong conclusions.
You Base them on a very black and white view of sexual desires that, frankly to me, seem a bit old. The conclusion that someone with a kink and someone without can never live together isn’t based on enough data and raises some questions. One is conveniently nullified by arguing that IFthey CAN live together it’s only because they haven’t realized they aren’t vanilla, they are a kinky person in hiding. If that hollow argument was true then the same could be said of the opposite – kinky people are potential vanilla People. But that would break the whole theory.
So, while i would never ever claim that a relationship is doomed I would definitely claim the odds are against a happy ending. But this is due to so many more things than what you Base your conclusion on. There are psychological aspects at the very heart of the matter. How do People handle feelings? Are they aware of why they have a specific kink? Are they mentally equipped or not to analyse their own behaviour?
I for one am one of those who recently (past five years) opened up for a lifestyle with more kinks. I do not view myself as a closet case, far from it. Had some things here and There been different I could have continued to live happily in a vanilla relationship. The change in my lifestyle is derived from a long and twisting Journey of exploring and growing mentally. I have a clear sense of having “evolved” towards this, not simply discovering something already There.
Anonymouse says
“Nothing is more important than your kink” – great advice. “All those people in the community” – great data.
I randomly came across this article googling an unrelated phrase, but I can only hope people don’t actually come here for advice.
Beka says
I have been engaged with my current fiancé for 8 years now. We have been together for 12. We have always had a problem with our sexual relationship. At first we played it off as he is a bigger man girth wise and I am a smaller girl (height and slimmer). I wondered if that was the issue with our sexual relationship. Now it doesn’t seem to be a problem for me.
I had always told him I was into bdsm and he didn’t seem to have a problem with that… but also never really pursued it. There was one instance when he tried a bit of bondage and toy play with me. That lasted literally one night.
I have a doctorate and he has a bachelors in a field he is not professionally working in. So I wondered if he was threatened. I tried to build him up as our sexual relationship declined severely.
We have technically been living together for 3 years now since I graduated from school and we bought a house together.
Now I just don’t know. He has always displayed some very DOM behaviors including self confidence and heavy protectiveness. But in bed he is a little puppy. About 2 years ago I noticed there was a problem I would have sex once a month with him and half the time I was not even wet- more of a grin and bear it situation. Deep down I think he knew because he didn’t get off either. I have told him multiple times in the last year that I want more. But he just isn’t giving me enough- he pulls my hair and throw me onto the bed roughly. He slap things once or twice but he is faking it and I know. Tonight I showed him nipple clamps I bought to help us. It didn’t even get him arouse him. I know he is a good guy and he wants to try to give me what I need. I tried to have a frank conversation and he was again just a puppy and told me he doesn’t know. I love this man I really do but things have gotten to the point that I am ready to go to a bdsm club without him. I don’t know.. he has never put me down for my bdsm relationship but also doesn’t seem to know what he wants.
Is it time to cut it off or try for a kink friendly therapist?
Tim Davis says
How to take care of Mental Health during Covid-19.
https://www.hupcfl.com/
Ashley says
I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years, we are currently engaged. On the first couple of days of exchanging text with each other he let me know that he was into bdsm. I replied that I wasn’t into it/had never tried it. I told him that if it’s something he’s passionate about we should stop talking now because I don’t want him to resent me later down the road for not being open to it. He replied that for him it’s just a hobby, something he can live without. Said that he’d rather spend the rest of his life making love to the woman he adores than have bdsm.
Our relationship itself is outstanding. I love him beyond anything imaginable. He’s a great guy outside of bdsm. We are raising 3 kids together from a previous relationship.
Flash forward a year. I find that he secretly messages women on fetlife about bdsm. I’m hurt but I think what will it hurt if I give it try. So I branch out. When I decide to branch out he goes wild with ideas, giving me zero time to ease in. My first real encounter was at a lifestyle event where we dom’d a girl and then did a soft swap of partners. I hated the swap. I felt disgusting. He never wants to play with me privately, our play always has to incorporate others which usually ends in a threesome with another woman (which crushes my soul every time I watch him with another woman). I’m not bisexual but have participated because of the fact that he pushes me so hard to be into the same things as him. If I try to back off of bdsm he tells me that I’m ruining everything. He tells me that if there’s no bdsm he won’t have sex with me. Mind you, I don’t like strictly vanilla sex. I like rough, dirty, choke me, spank me, use toys sex. I just don’t like the sex to be with others or outside of the relationship. I’ve tried telling him this. I’ve tried talking to him about it from every standpoint imaginable and all I get is the “you’re ruining everything” response. He tries to punch me into doing sub scenes with other men while he watches and wants the guy to have sex with me. I’m not at all comfortable with that. I am however comfortable being a sub to him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I enjoy bdsm but not as openly as he does. I’ve tried telling him that we’re just not compatible and it’s going to destroy our relationship, he refuses to accept that. But I am so tired of being made to feel like I’m wrong for the way I feel and the things I do not enjoy. Especially when I was upfront and honest in the beginning and he lied saying it was something he just did on the side and wasn’t very important.
ShitOuttaLuck says
Oh wow!sweetheart noooo! Im so confused right now ive been in a relationship 15 years we have a son together . I’m just now finding things around thats make me so confused for one because why lie it will be but wrenching if this is the way we part ways after everything!!really? I’m not sure if I’m into it all but I’m 100 percent NOT okay with the things you just said idk how anyone could. It would have been different if maybe just MAYBE we both got into it together but I draw the line with completely having sex with someone else and to expect me to be okay with me watching him or bus versa I CANT NOPE.! no way I’m sorry. But hard off to who ever could. . I have my heart and soul to one person and to see him get the most intimate you can be with someone with someone else. That would never not hurt and i would have to walk away! First off just be upfront guys!
Shadow says
Divorced woman after 20 years in a very vanilla marriage. I always felt something was missing. I started dating again and met a man I was completely drawn to. After a few dates he was giving me a kiss goodnight he slide his hand up the back of my neck into my hair and gave a gentle but firm pull while looking in my eyes. I opened my eyes and he must have seen something, his response was” ahhhh there it is”. I was completely thrilled and here we are 6 months in. It took some time and communicating for me to realize the depth of BDSM and what it actually means to be a DOM. I have found I am naturally submissive during sex. It’s not a life style For me but I enjoy every minute of play.. The first time I entered sub space was like being reborn. My DOM/partner had to slow me down. I wanted to try everything, my mind was spinning it’s all I could think about day in and day out. I’m aware of some of my hard limits but still deciding on others. We are exploring slowly (at his insistence). I’m not sure where this will lead but sometimes a “vanilla “, is that way because that is what she’s knows, or she’s tried to spice things up with her partner and both of their lack of experience and confidence makes it unsatisfying.
So yes I am a “vanilla “ dating a DOM. I don’t know if this will be long term. I don’t know if when I reach my limits it will be enough for him. But I am thankful for the experience and don’t know if I could ever go back to a vanilla relationship.
Merovingian says
Straight sub male, can’t even have vanilla sex at all, doesn’t turn me on. Was in relationship with vanilla woman for 13 years, married and one child. So attracted to her beauty so overlooked her vanilla tendencies, figured she’d turn, naively (big mistake). She’d dom me on occasion and I’d please her the way I could (tongue) but she wanted more passionate vanilla sex and I was dreaming more and more to be under a bossy natural domme and her slave on a more permanent basis. Finally after many years she cheated and came clean about it pretty soon, said she missed passionate sex. Couldn’t really blame her but because of our child it was not easy, I’d say if you’re in such a relationship without a child together then just get out of it, there really is no future, but with children it’s all so much more complicated. Anyway we manage to share custody now, we both love our child, but had there just been more open info about this when I was growing up, so much pain could be avoided. Instead I had to learn from mistakes. Of course after this, in my late 30s, no way would I attempt to change a vanilla woman again, but finding a real Domme interested in a serious committed relationship was almost impossible. Most women in bdsm are subs. Tried fetlife, collarspace, vanilla sites, had to look far from my location, other countries to find someone other than pros and findoms. Dated, traveled a lot, quite expensive, met some interesting women but it took many years until I found the one I saw myself willing to submit to for life. When I did she lived on the other side of the earth, she’d been looking for years too, dating less serious sub guys, luckily for me few are serious like me it appears. We were living together after 4 months, married after 6. Now three years in still happy together, want to stay with her for life. She doesn’t need vanilla, she gets turned on by beating and humiliating me. She lets me service her while calling me names. I work a fulltime job and do 90% of housework too. I call her Princess and she loves that (unlike vanilla women who get uncomfortable). She’s just my type too, petite and feminine, I worship her all over. Such a woman in my experience is a unicorn. It’s not always easy to be in a longterm relationship, but it’s so much easier when you’re at least compatible.
Marie says
Myself and my S/O had a really strong D/s relationship for all of 6 months… He was new to the life and I made it very clear how this was a lifestyle for me I explained, taught and we even learned together… I don’t really picture a life without him but I’m over suppressing my life style my kinks etc that I am becoming resentful and now I kind of feel embarrassed whenever he try’s to resume that role it feels forced because he thinks it’s what I want… uhg.
Max says
Wow, that sounds like what is happening to us.
How is it going now?
Azalea Compton says
I have never been in a D/s relationship, but I realized recently that I have embraced the idea of a submissive since way before I knew about sex. I fantasize daily about having a Daddy Dom/Master, but my husband is a firm vanilla. This wouldn’t be too big of a problem if we didn’t already have one child and another on the way. I have never had thrilling sex, yet the knowledge of this lifestyle clicks with me. It causes many disagreements between me and my husband, and ultimately makes both of us dread any discussion of our sex life, and even the act itself. I don’t know what to do, as I feel leaving is not an option, and neither of us are into open relationships. What can I do?
Neil-M says
Have you considered finding a kink friendly marriage counselor?
Kikikachan says
Got into vanilla relationship 2 year ago after having happy bdsm and vanilla past relationships. Things were perfect and eventually I decided that bdsm was something that I wanted in this relationship. Things went absolutely lovely.
Recently however I’ve found out that I’ve been being lied to and have been cheated on.
Now he is getting help and we are working to rebuild intimacy and trust.
I want to stay in this relationship but now I have no interest in power exchange.
How do I bring this to light? He still wants bdsm but the lies have destroyed my passion.
Emma says
I’ve been married for 11 years, and have three children.
I’ve tried bringing up my kinks to my husband, but he’s rejected them and made me feel shame.
Every time I mention it, it leads to an argument.
If I try to divorce him, my kids will suffer and I have no doubt, he will tell my whole family.
I’m not interested in looking outside our marriage, I just want him to be open minded. I opened myself up to being vulnerable to him, by trying to discuss this, and he rejected me.
Depressing. I’m going to try and suppress this more. I guess I made my bed.
Isaac Kalder says
Don’t blame him. It’s not his fault for not being into Kink, or BDSM. Just like the article says, you can’t make a Vanilla person Kinky, or vice versa. The two are hard wired differently than one another. Saying you want him to be open minded is like you’re saying he’s close minded just because he’s 100% Vanilla, and that’s not right. Being close minded has nothing to do with having no interests in something, and not wanting to try it. Close minded is all about judging others for being into things that you aren’t into. This is kind of your fault anyway in a sense. You as the Kinky person has the obligation, and responsibility to reveal your Kinky interests right from the start, not wait 11 years, and then spring them on him, and suddenly expect him to magically go from being Vanilla to being Kinky, and then get angry with him when he doesn’t. Sorry, but that’s on you, not on him.
Neil-M says
Hold on there, Isaac. She didn’t call her boyfriend close minded, just said she wished he would be open minded. From her description, it sounds like he has shamed her for her kinks, and is quite possibly blackmailing her to stay in the marriage with a threat of revealing her private desires to her family. She is well aware that she has “made her bed” and your response, while not exactly cruel, is shockingly tonedeaf. Seems to me you could learn something from your kinky friends.
Emma, I am sorry you are in such a predicament. Is there someway you can balance the scales in your marriage? I’m not suggesting a counter blackmail, but something that might help you negotiate an outside relationship?
Isaac Kalder says
@Dexx Hi, I am 100% Vanilla, and Monogamous, and I wanted to ask you, do you believe that Vanilla Life Style is just as valid as BDSM, or do you believe that all forms of Vanilla Sexuality are all borne from Sexual Shame, Repression, Religions, Anxiety, Fear of stepping out of the Comfort Zone etc? If it wasn’t for all of that negative stimulus, does this mean everyone would have been into BDSM, and Vanilla would have never existed? Do you believe that anyone TRULY enjoys strict 100% Vanilla with no interests in BDSM whatsoever, not even secretly, or is Vanilla inferior to Kink/Fetish/BDSM in the sense that BDSM is living authentically, and empowered while Vanilla is living a limiting lie? Is it inherently bad that I am Sexually Conservative, and even a Dull Prude? I mean, I myself don’t want anything to do with Kink, and BDSM, not even trying it, I like my missionary only, and I am perfectly content with this, but now after reading all of the online articles, and comments, and attitudes that shame Vanilla people has made me start to feel ashamed, and even guilty for being a pathetic, boring, plain loser who isn’t into anything exciting. Hell, I’m not even that much into sex. I’m really simple, and like very few things. People always say that fear, and pain should be embraced, but I can’t stand fear, pain, or adrenaline AT ALL. I’m the type of person who won’t even wear clothes if they are even a spec uncomfortable for me. My comfort, and my Comfort Zone is all that matters to me. Part of me almost feels like Vanilla is somehow going to become obsolete at some point, and that I will be forced into becoming Kinky, or else risk becoming someone stuck in the past like on old man racist. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/debunking-myths-the-mind/201009/overcoming-the-anxiety-vanilla-sex This article is what inspired this question. Do you agree with it at all? Does this make me inferior, or somehow “fake”? Is it selfish that I have broken up with people in the past for not being 100% Vanilla, and Monogamous to a religious degree? Should I just do as my last ex-told me, which is to just suck it up, grow a back spine, and learn to get into BDSM, and Kink? Do I need to just accept Vanilla-ness as the disease, and blight to man kind it is, and over come it somehow?
Dexx says
Of course being vanilla (whatever he terms means to you) is just as valid as being somewhere on the spectrum of kink. If you have no interest or desire in trying BDSM activities, then don’t. It’s as simple as that. Doesn’t make you inferior or fake (or for that matter a “disease” or blight) and there are plenty of potential partners out there for you that are also all about vanilla & monogamy.
Please keep in mind that this web site is intended as a resource for kinky people, so given what you’ve said, you may not find it all that beneficial.
CC says
I don’t know if skimming through all the comments made me feel better or worse. My husband and I dated for 3 years before getting married and now we’ve been married for other 3 years. Our relationship has always worked great. We felt the sparkles as soon as the first time we talked to each other. We share interests, sense of humor, views about life, etc…
I brough up the kink topic before we got married. I was super scared but I knew I had to tell him. At that time, we really had troubles having sex. As much as I wanted to please him and also feel like a normal sexual couple, I was just not enjoying sex at all. That was in part because I was still living with my parents and they raised me with very traditional morals, and they expected me to stay a virgin until marriage, so I felt a lot of presure about having to hide my sexual activity. But, in addition to the stress of having to hide it, I also didn’t really find that all that stress was worth it.
Once day, I just came to admit to myself that I was kinky and that I needed kink in order to enjoy sex. I opened up myself to my then boyfriend and he was super receptive. He didn’t judge me and he said we would try stuff together and he even crafted himself a whip (he makes leather stuff).
It was all too cool to be true and I finally began to enjoy sex. Then we got married.
But, as time has gone by, that initial sparkle of curiosity and willingness to go further kind of faded. Almost everytime we have sex he bites me or spanks me or something like that. Very ocassionally, he even flogs me, but all the “mental” part is kind of missing. Like, I don’t want him to just mindlessly spank me. I would like him to give me commands, talk to me in a stern tone of voice, make me count the strokes, make me promise I’ll behave… I’m much of a brat, so sometimes I tease him looking for his reaction. I would love him to say things such as “You’re getting yourself in trouble” or “You’ll have to learn to behave” and then punish me.
But it’s hard to explain all of this to him. Sometimes I bring small hints to the conversation, or directly tell him things such as “Can you sometimes talk to me in a stern, rude tone of voice during sex? It turns me on”. And he says he will, but then, he doesn’t do it.
Sometimes he even says “I’ll spank/flog you more often” but then he doesn’t. Last time he flogged me during a sex scene I told him: “No, I was a good girl. Why are you flogging me?” and he was like: “Because you like it” and I was like lol… he doesn’t even get what this is all about. You are not supposed to say you flog me because I like it… I mean I like it, but what I expect you to say is “Because you deserve it” “Because you misbehaved” or anything, it doesn’t even have to be related to a real offense.
But anyway, I know I’m not communicating enough. But it discourages me to imagine that maybe he just doesn’t have it. He just won’t get it. Or he’s just not THAT willing to explore this side.
I know he’s a bit bossy and dominant and he likes to say bossy things as a joke sometimes. And he just doesn’t realize how deeply I would like to submit to him, not just as a joke. He just doesn’t realize how much I would like to obey him and call him Sir and please him and feel pain for him. I feel like there’s all this amount of love that I can’t express to him because it’s not the kind of love he is expecting.
But, on the other side, I also feel selfish, because I’m fantasizing about imposing my views on relationships over him.
We get along very well and not always am I feeling this submissive urges so strongly. This happens from time to time. I have these ocassional episodes and I always tell myself that this is the time I will talk to him more upfrontly. But then I don’t do it and time just goes by and, little by little, I start to wonder if I’ll have to keep this urges to myself all my life. Can I even do that without finally having a break down?
Oh, I just feel so lonely about this topic…
Neil-M says
CC,
Unless you are fully prepared to live the rest of your life with unsatisfactory sex, I think you need to sit your husband down and have a very serious talk with him.
Look him in the eye without flinching, and tell him what you need.
Tell him how much you need it.
Tell him how happy it will make you.
And consider what kind of rewards you can bestow upon him if he makes the effort.
Maybe cook him a very special dinner, and dress in a particular way.
Kneel down next to him and kiss his feet and hands.
Implore him to take your desires seriously.
Try this a few times.
If it doesn’t work, then either resign yourself or move on.
KK says
I don’t know how old these messages are. but I could have written this. I have been with my husband for 23 years, married for 15. I did tell him about my kink in the beginning. The only person I have ever told. He was open at to it at first and tried to play. He was a natural. But that didn’t last very long. He is dominant in many ways and I serve him as best I can. It just doesn’t reach the physical level. At this point we rarely have sex. I won’t leave him. We have gone through a lot together and I can’t imagine being selfish enough to ruin my kids lives because I don’t get the spankings I need.
So much of what cc said resonates with me. I wish I had experienced one genuine Dom in my life. I am only now really understanding myself in regards to my kink and how it has effected my life. I can understand why even with the hottest guys I was deeply in live with sex often felt like I was just being poked at.
I would love to talk to someone going through this too. I have thought about therapy but how do I talk about this.
Annie says
I think I could’ve written this post! How are things going for you now?
My been with my husband nearly 14yrs. I didn’t know I liked kink when we got together (I was 16) I’ve sorta discovered it as I grew up. I really don’t know what to do? Can a therapist help suppress submissiveness?
Rita Blackmar says
I have been with my husband since I was 18, we have grown together and made so many memories. I am 26 now and I finally know that the sex we are having is not fulfilling for me. I have known for a very long time that I was interested in being tied up and other BDSM activities. My husband has always told me he was vanilla and I never thought that was a problem. Even though for the first 5 years we were together he was not willing to reciprocate oral I thought hey I can’t really be missing out. He has told me he doesn’t really like the look or taste of the vagina. It made me kinda of self conscious but he stressed that it wasn’t my anatomy just that in general it dosen’t arouse him. He is a nice guy and he loves me but I want a Dom and due to things in his past he has told me he’ll never be able to be that for me. We have both pulled away from having sex together for the last 3 years and once a month is about as often as we do it. He isn’t confident touching me anymore and to be honest I rarely get off with him. I thought for so long I could just ignore the sexual problems we were having. There are other things that play into our relationship being on the rocks, like financial responsibilities and feeling more like a roomate then a wife. We are going to try counseling but I feel as though it’s too little too late. I don’t know if we can come back from me being completely attracted to him. I feel so lost about the whole thing.
Anony Mouse says
I’m vanilla, and in my experience the best sex is about love and intimacy, not power dynamics and not pain and humiliation and mechanical props. My spouse felt otherwise and brought other people into the marriage. I even got myself on board with poly, and I learned to lie to my spouse and to myself that this was all good.
I’m free now and living more passionately than ever in a life of truth. I hope my ex is happy with the choices made.
If you’re kinky with a vanilla person, don’t hold on to your relationship just because “aside from kink differences, he/she is a great partner.” Kink WILL take over. Get out because YOU are not a great partner. It’s going to hurt everybody less now than 10 years later.
LunaG says
I’ve been married for 3 years now and my husband has some kinky desires, but not nearly on the level that I do (guns, knives, domination, hitting, fear, etc). I don’t want to force him into trying anything he isn’t comfortable with, but I find myself wanting sex less and less bc he is so uncomfortable not only exploring my kinks, but some of his own too. I absolutely adore and love him. Outside of sex, we bond so easily, talk to each other, love each other, listen, laugh, cry, and desire each other, but when it comes to sex, it’s either vanilla or it feels awkward and almost forced. I would love for him to be more dominant (in the bedroom and to some extent outside the bedroom too), but he isn’t comfortable being dominant with me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t even know if this comment will be seen since its practically at the bottom, but any advice is welcome.
Anony Mouse says
I wrote a comment that could easily have been posted as a reply to you. It hasn’t appeared yet.