via stock.adobe.comAre you a kinky, and dating a vanilla girlfriend / boyfriend, or even got to the point that they are now your husband or wife? Take my advice – don’t waste any more of your precious time…
If you are regular reader of this web site, then it’s highly likely you are kinky. And by kinky, I don’t mean that you like to spice things up with your partner once and a while with some silk scarves. I mean that BDSM is in your blood… your DNA even. And you likely spend a good amount of time playing with it, fantasizing about it, or living it.
You may have always known you were kinky – since before you even knew what sex was, you were drawn to situations and depictions involving power exchange and bondage. Or you may have had a particular moment when your kink was awakened – perhaps with a partner introducing you to BDSM – which was akin to letting the genie out of the bottle (there’s no getting it back in there).
My point is – people are either kinky or they are not. Vanilla people cannot be made kinky, just as kinky cannot be made vanilla.
And so when a kinky person and a vanilla person date (and maybe even fall in love), it can never end well. And yet this is this is a problem that comes up time and time again, played out by almost every kinky person I have met (and I know a lot of kinky people), sometimes over and over again.
Take me. I have had several long terms relationships (each more than 2 years) since my late teens. In each case, we met and felt a strong chemistry and a deep attraction. Each of my exes was beautiful in her own distinct way – and engaging, funny, likeable. Of course, we had ups and downs in the course of our relationships, as all couples do. But they were good women, and each time we laughed together, grew and experienced new things, and traveled to exotic and wonderful places.
And yet in each case, kink was a divide between us. And ultimately, the reason that the relationships could not last.
Don’t get me wrong – none of these women I dated were prudes. In fact, they were quite sexual and adventurous in their own way. They were up for trying new things, playing with some toys and trying out experiences. But with respect to BDSM, there was always a point after which the novelty wore off and they conceded that they just weren’t really that into it.
I, like you, am kinky. When it comes to BDSM, I love every letter of the acronym. And since joining the kinky community, I have met hundreds of kinky people in LA and all over the world. And each time I do, I feel that connection of speaking with someone who is like me, who gets me.
And from my conversations with all of these kinky people I have met, I have heard so many stories just like mine. Of years or even decades from teenage years through adulthood, when these kinksters were figuring out their own identity and sexuality. Trying to understand why they liked these things that were strange and deviant to regular folks, realizing they needed to keep certain desires to themselves. And then reigniting and fully realizing those desires upon the thrilling discovery of the kink community.
All of these people had similar stories of ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, ex-wives, who they had tried to introduce to kink. Trying to get their man to dominate them, or get their girlfriend to tie them up. So many relationships where ultimately they failed because the kinky person could not get their needs met. Because vanilla people cannot be made kinky.
And it is terrible. When you love someone and love being with them, but know deep down that there is an important part of yourself that your partner just doesn’t understand, and never will.
It had made me question my kinkiness at times. Made me wonder if I can push it aside, forget about it, grow out of it, bury it. Somehow “cure” myself of kink. And now of course I know that is ludicrous – in the same category as trying to “pray away the gay” – it’s just not possible. And of course the other thing I know now is that I wouldn’t want to de-kink myself, even if I could. Because without kink, I would not have met all of the amazing people I now know in the community, or felt the joy and the high of a scene with play partner, or the deep connection of D/s.
So I would say this: if you know you are kinky, don’t waste your time getting into a relationship with a vanilla person. The further into it you get, the more difficult and heart-wrenching it will become for both of you to leave later.
Now, that isn’t to say you can’t go on some dates with people who aren’t overtly kinky. After all, sometimes it takes a little while before someone opens up about things like this. It’s worth getting to know someone well enough to know for sure. But don’t beat around the bush, and don’t hide that it’s an important factor for you in dating.
One caveat is that it is possible that you might meet someone who is kinky but hasn’t discovered that side of themselves yet. They might need some encouragement to “awaken” their kink. I do think that is pretty rare in western culture now though – given the massive publicity and exposure that BDSM has received in recent times.
What to do if you are in a long term relationship already with a vanilla, and either have finally accepted the importance of kink to yourself, or realized that your partner just isn’t kinky? My advice is to end it. Be gentle about it, be compassionate about it, communicate with them, support them. But do it.
No doubt there are all kinds of “what if’s” that might be thrown at me in response to this. And there may be some pretty gnarly ones… not the least of which is marriage and children. And ultimately, no one but you knows the ins and outs of your situation and so I can’t tell you definitively what is right for you.
But what I can tell you is about all the people I have met in the community who finally did realize they needed to embrace their kinky selves. Some of whom waited until they were in their 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or 60s, or 70s, before biting the bullet and doing it and that once they did, they realized that they had finally found themselves, their community, their people. And almost all wished that they had the courage to do it much, much sooner.
There is one exception that I would add to all of this. Occasionally, a kinky person may be in a relationship with someone vanilla where the relationship is so open, trusting, positive and strong, that the kinky person can go out and explore the community and play with others, without it damaging or impacting on the bond of that relationship. I have seen this work long-term in a couple of cases. So if you are in this situation then you are very fortunate and you should make the most of your freedom to explore. But if you aren’t, and you try forcing your relationship into this mold, you may find it very difficult and ultimately unsuccessful.
Have you found yourself in a relationship with a vanilla person that you wished was kinky? I would love to hear about it in the comments section below.
Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.
Merovingian says
Straight sub male, can’t even have vanilla sex at all, doesn’t turn me on. Was in relationship with vanilla woman for 13 years, married and one child. So attracted to her beauty so overlooked her vanilla tendencies, figured she’d turn, naively (big mistake). She’d dom me on occasion and I’d please her the way I could (tongue) but she wanted more passionate vanilla sex and I was dreaming more and more to be under a bossy natural domme and her slave on a more permanent basis. Finally after many years she cheated and came clean about it pretty soon, said she missed passionate sex. Couldn’t really blame her but because of our child it was not easy, I’d say if you’re in such a relationship without a child together then just get out of it, there really is no future, but with children it’s all so much more complicated. Anyway we manage to share custody now, we both love our child, but had there just been more open info about this when I was growing up, so much pain could be avoided. Instead I had to learn from mistakes. Of course after this, in my late 30s, no way would I attempt to change a vanilla woman again, but finding a real Domme interested in a serious committed relationship was almost impossible. Most women in bdsm are subs. Tried fetlife, collarspace, vanilla sites, had to look far from my location, other countries to find someone other than pros and findoms. Dated, traveled a lot, quite expensive, met some interesting women but it took many years until I found the one I saw myself willing to submit to for life. When I did she lived on the other side of the earth, she’d been looking for years too, dating less serious sub guys, luckily for me few are serious like me it appears. We were living together after 4 months, married after 6. Now three years in still happy together, want to stay with her for life. She doesn’t need vanilla, she gets turned on by beating and humiliating me. She lets me service her while calling me names. I work a fulltime job and do 90% of housework too. I call her Princess and she loves that (unlike vanilla women who get uncomfortable). She’s just my type too, petite and feminine, I worship her all over. Such a woman in my experience is a unicorn. It’s not always easy to be in a longterm relationship, but it’s so much easier when you’re at least compatible.
Marie says
Myself and my S/O had a really strong D/s relationship for all of 6 months… He was new to the life and I made it very clear how this was a lifestyle for me I explained, taught and we even learned together… I don’t really picture a life without him but I’m over suppressing my life style my kinks etc that I am becoming resentful and now I kind of feel embarrassed whenever he try’s to resume that role it feels forced because he thinks it’s what I want… uhg.
Azalea Compton says
I have never been in a D/s relationship, but I realized recently that I have embraced the idea of a submissive since way before I knew about sex. I fantasize daily about having a Daddy Dom/Master, but my husband is a firm vanilla. This wouldn’t be too big of a problem if we didn’t already have one child and another on the way. I have never had thrilling sex, yet the knowledge of this lifestyle clicks with me. It causes many disagreements between me and my husband, and ultimately makes both of us dread any discussion of our sex life, and even the act itself. I don’t know what to do, as I feel leaving is not an option, and neither of us are into open relationships. What can I do?
Neil-M says
Have you considered finding a kink friendly marriage counselor?
Kikikachan says
Got into vanilla relationship 2 year ago after having happy bdsm and vanilla past relationships. Things were perfect and eventually I decided that bdsm was something that I wanted in this relationship. Things went absolutely lovely.
Recently however I’ve found out that I’ve been being lied to and have been cheated on.
Now he is getting help and we are working to rebuild intimacy and trust.
I want to stay in this relationship but now I have no interest in power exchange.
How do I bring this to light? He still wants bdsm but the lies have destroyed my passion.
Emma says
I’ve been married for 11 years, and have three children.
I’ve tried bringing up my kinks to my husband, but he’s rejected them and made me feel shame.
Every time I mention it, it leads to an argument.
If I try to divorce him, my kids will suffer and I have no doubt, he will tell my whole family.
I’m not interested in looking outside our marriage, I just want him to be open minded. I opened myself up to being vulnerable to him, by trying to discuss this, and he rejected me.
Depressing. I’m going to try and suppress this more. I guess I made my bed.
Isaac Kalder says
Don’t blame him. It’s not his fault for not being into Kink, or BDSM. Just like the article says, you can’t make a Vanilla person Kinky, or vice versa. The two are hard wired differently than one another. Saying you want him to be open minded is like you’re saying he’s close minded just because he’s 100% Vanilla, and that’s not right. Being close minded has nothing to do with having no interests in something, and not wanting to try it. Close minded is all about judging others for being into things that you aren’t into. This is kind of your fault anyway in a sense. You as the Kinky person has the obligation, and responsibility to reveal your Kinky interests right from the start, not wait 11 years, and then spring them on him, and suddenly expect him to magically go from being Vanilla to being Kinky, and then get angry with him when he doesn’t. Sorry, but that’s on you, not on him.
Neil-M says
Hold on there, Isaac. She didn’t call her boyfriend close minded, just said she wished he would be open minded. From her description, it sounds like he has shamed her for her kinks, and is quite possibly blackmailing her to stay in the marriage with a threat of revealing her private desires to her family. She is well aware that she has “made her bed” and your response, while not exactly cruel, is shockingly tonedeaf. Seems to me you could learn something from your kinky friends.
Emma, I am sorry you are in such a predicament. Is there someway you can balance the scales in your marriage? I’m not suggesting a counter blackmail, but something that might help you negotiate an outside relationship?
Isaac Kalder says
@Dexx Hi, I am 100% Vanilla, and Monogamous, and I wanted to ask you, do you believe that Vanilla Life Style is just as valid as BDSM, or do you believe that all forms of Vanilla Sexuality are all borne from Sexual Shame, Repression, Religions, Anxiety, Fear of stepping out of the Comfort Zone etc? If it wasn’t for all of that negative stimulus, does this mean everyone would have been into BDSM, and Vanilla would have never existed? Do you believe that anyone TRULY enjoys strict 100% Vanilla with no interests in BDSM whatsoever, not even secretly, or is Vanilla inferior to Kink/Fetish/BDSM in the sense that BDSM is living authentically, and empowered while Vanilla is living a limiting lie? Is it inherently bad that I am Sexually Conservative, and even a Dull Prude? I mean, I myself don’t want anything to do with Kink, and BDSM, not even trying it, I like my missionary only, and I am perfectly content with this, but now after reading all of the online articles, and comments, and attitudes that shame Vanilla people has made me start to feel ashamed, and even guilty for being a pathetic, boring, plain loser who isn’t into anything exciting. Hell, I’m not even that much into sex. I’m really simple, and like very few things. People always say that fear, and pain should be embraced, but I can’t stand fear, pain, or adrenaline AT ALL. I’m the type of person who won’t even wear clothes if they are even a spec uncomfortable for me. My comfort, and my Comfort Zone is all that matters to me. Part of me almost feels like Vanilla is somehow going to become obsolete at some point, and that I will be forced into becoming Kinky, or else risk becoming someone stuck in the past like on old man racist. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/debunking-myths-the-mind/201009/overcoming-the-anxiety-vanilla-sex This article is what inspired this question. Do you agree with it at all? Does this make me inferior, or somehow “fake”? Is it selfish that I have broken up with people in the past for not being 100% Vanilla, and Monogamous to a religious degree? Should I just do as my last ex-told me, which is to just suck it up, grow a back spine, and learn to get into BDSM, and Kink? Do I need to just accept Vanilla-ness as the disease, and blight to man kind it is, and over come it somehow?
Dexx says
Of course being vanilla (whatever he terms means to you) is just as valid as being somewhere on the spectrum of kink. If you have no interest or desire in trying BDSM activities, then don’t. It’s as simple as that. Doesn’t make you inferior or fake (or for that matter a “disease” or blight) and there are plenty of potential partners out there for you that are also all about vanilla & monogamy.
Please keep in mind that this web site is intended as a resource for kinky people, so given what you’ve said, you may not find it all that beneficial.
CC says
I don’t know if skimming through all the comments made me feel better or worse. My husband and I dated for 3 years before getting married and now we’ve been married for other 3 years. Our relationship has always worked great. We felt the sparkles as soon as the first time we talked to each other. We share interests, sense of humor, views about life, etc…
I brough up the kink topic before we got married. I was super scared but I knew I had to tell him. At that time, we really had troubles having sex. As much as I wanted to please him and also feel like a normal sexual couple, I was just not enjoying sex at all. That was in part because I was still living with my parents and they raised me with very traditional morals, and they expected me to stay a virgin until marriage, so I felt a lot of presure about having to hide my sexual activity. But, in addition to the stress of having to hide it, I also didn’t really find that all that stress was worth it.
Once day, I just came to admit to myself that I was kinky and that I needed kink in order to enjoy sex. I opened up myself to my then boyfriend and he was super receptive. He didn’t judge me and he said we would try stuff together and he even crafted himself a whip (he makes leather stuff).
It was all too cool to be true and I finally began to enjoy sex. Then we got married.
But, as time has gone by, that initial sparkle of curiosity and willingness to go further kind of faded. Almost everytime we have sex he bites me or spanks me or something like that. Very ocassionally, he even flogs me, but all the “mental” part is kind of missing. Like, I don’t want him to just mindlessly spank me. I would like him to give me commands, talk to me in a stern tone of voice, make me count the strokes, make me promise I’ll behave… I’m much of a brat, so sometimes I tease him looking for his reaction. I would love him to say things such as “You’re getting yourself in trouble” or “You’ll have to learn to behave” and then punish me.
But it’s hard to explain all of this to him. Sometimes I bring small hints to the conversation, or directly tell him things such as “Can you sometimes talk to me in a stern, rude tone of voice during sex? It turns me on”. And he says he will, but then, he doesn’t do it.
Sometimes he even says “I’ll spank/flog you more often” but then he doesn’t. Last time he flogged me during a sex scene I told him: “No, I was a good girl. Why are you flogging me?” and he was like: “Because you like it” and I was like lol… he doesn’t even get what this is all about. You are not supposed to say you flog me because I like it… I mean I like it, but what I expect you to say is “Because you deserve it” “Because you misbehaved” or anything, it doesn’t even have to be related to a real offense.
But anyway, I know I’m not communicating enough. But it discourages me to imagine that maybe he just doesn’t have it. He just won’t get it. Or he’s just not THAT willing to explore this side.
I know he’s a bit bossy and dominant and he likes to say bossy things as a joke sometimes. And he just doesn’t realize how deeply I would like to submit to him, not just as a joke. He just doesn’t realize how much I would like to obey him and call him Sir and please him and feel pain for him. I feel like there’s all this amount of love that I can’t express to him because it’s not the kind of love he is expecting.
But, on the other side, I also feel selfish, because I’m fantasizing about imposing my views on relationships over him.
We get along very well and not always am I feeling this submissive urges so strongly. This happens from time to time. I have these ocassional episodes and I always tell myself that this is the time I will talk to him more upfrontly. But then I don’t do it and time just goes by and, little by little, I start to wonder if I’ll have to keep this urges to myself all my life. Can I even do that without finally having a break down?
Oh, I just feel so lonely about this topic…
Neil-M says
CC,
Unless you are fully prepared to live the rest of your life with unsatisfactory sex, I think you need to sit your husband down and have a very serious talk with him.
Look him in the eye without flinching, and tell him what you need.
Tell him how much you need it.
Tell him how happy it will make you.
And consider what kind of rewards you can bestow upon him if he makes the effort.
Maybe cook him a very special dinner, and dress in a particular way.
Kneel down next to him and kiss his feet and hands.
Implore him to take your desires seriously.
Try this a few times.
If it doesn’t work, then either resign yourself or move on.
Rita Blackmar says
I have been with my husband since I was 18, we have grown together and made so many memories. I am 26 now and I finally know that the sex we are having is not fulfilling for me. I have known for a very long time that I was interested in being tied up and other BDSM activities. My husband has always told me he was vanilla and I never thought that was a problem. Even though for the first 5 years we were together he was not willing to reciprocate oral I thought hey I can’t really be missing out. He has told me he doesn’t really like the look or taste of the vagina. It made me kinda of self conscious but he stressed that it wasn’t my anatomy just that in general it dosen’t arouse him. He is a nice guy and he loves me but I want a Dom and due to things in his past he has told me he’ll never be able to be that for me. We have both pulled away from having sex together for the last 3 years and once a month is about as often as we do it. He isn’t confident touching me anymore and to be honest I rarely get off with him. I thought for so long I could just ignore the sexual problems we were having. There are other things that play into our relationship being on the rocks, like financial responsibilities and feeling more like a roomate then a wife. We are going to try counseling but I feel as though it’s too little too late. I don’t know if we can come back from me being completely attracted to him. I feel so lost about the whole thing.
Anony Mouse says
I’m vanilla, and in my experience the best sex is about love and intimacy, not power dynamics and not pain and humiliation and mechanical props. My spouse felt otherwise and brought other people into the marriage. I even got myself on board with poly, and I learned to lie to my spouse and to myself that this was all good.
I’m free now and living more passionately than ever in a life of truth. I hope my ex is happy with the choices made.
If you’re kinky with a vanilla person, don’t hold on to your relationship just because “aside from kink differences, he/she is a great partner.” Kink WILL take over. Get out because YOU are not a great partner. It’s going to hurt everybody less now than 10 years later.
LunaG says
I’ve been married for 3 years now and my husband has some kinky desires, but not nearly on the level that I do (guns, knives, domination, hitting, fear, etc). I don’t want to force him into trying anything he isn’t comfortable with, but I find myself wanting sex less and less bc he is so uncomfortable not only exploring my kinks, but some of his own too. I absolutely adore and love him. Outside of sex, we bond so easily, talk to each other, love each other, listen, laugh, cry, and desire each other, but when it comes to sex, it’s either vanilla or it feels awkward and almost forced. I would love for him to be more dominant (in the bedroom and to some extent outside the bedroom too), but he isn’t comfortable being dominant with me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t even know if this comment will be seen since its practically at the bottom, but any advice is welcome.
Anony Mouse says
I wrote a comment that could easily have been posted as a reply to you. It hasn’t appeared yet.