I wrote this piece as a satire after reading the original list. The first part of each is the original requirement. My additions are bolded.
1. Please touch us
Cuddle us, spoon us, grab the small of our backs. Kiss our foreheads and make us feel small. We crave your hands all over us. We love them no matter where they happen to land—be that on our asses or up our skirts.
Just. Touch. Us.
Because if you don’t, we will turn into a whining, crying, harpy from hell silently shrieking and screaming inside our heads while envisioning scratching your eyes out!
2. Take pride in us
Relish in the fact that we’re yours—that we belong to you and no one else. Smile when we enter the room because you know we’re walking toward you.
Because if you don’t, we’ll announce to the entire room full of people what an ass you are that you can’t even SMILE AT US when you see us,
you fucking jackass
3. Let us cry
When we are sad or angry, or pissed the hell off. When we drink too much…especially when we drink too much, let us cry our eyes out. Let us be messes, with mascara running down our cheeks and pints of ice cream in our hands. Let us be okay with not being okay once in a while.
This one requires no action from you, just that you be okay with it when it happens.
No, it totally requires action from you. You have to attempt everything humanly possible to tell us it’s okay and everything will be fine, and wait on us hand and foot for the rest of the day.
Despite how hard we try, we will make mistakes. We will fuck things up, say things wrong, do things crazy, and when that happens we need you to forgive us. We’re not talking immediate forgiveness, or that a price won’t often be paid for it, but forgiveness that comes eventually. We need to know that the slate has been wiped clean, all trespasses have been forgiven…and when it happens, don’t forget to let us know. See number 5.
You must forgive us…but we will NEVER forgive you!
This is going to be such a fucking double standard that you will never know if you’re coming or going. I will expect you to completely forget the smallest thing I’ve ever done wrong. I, however, will never forget a fucking thing for the rest of your life. I will bring it up to throw in your face and make you feel guilty when you least expect it!
5. Communicate… often!
We need this.. If we don’t discuss something, it will fester in our brains forever, eventually driving us crazy. A three minute conversation could ease hours of worry for us once an uneasy feeling sets in. If that can be prevented with a few sentences, please take the time to speak them. Honestly, like two seconds of your time could stop our heads from exploding….and you don’t want to clean up that mess, do you?
You reeeeeallly don’t want to have to clean up that mess.
(eye twitching, maniacal expression that will haunt your dreams until you die)
6. We want you to make us feel pretty
Not that you don’t make us feel super sexy pretty darn often, but once in a while, it’s good to actually hear. Tell us our ass looks great in our yoga pants, that our hair looks especially shiny today. Tell us you like our new boots. Notice something small and compliment us about it, and our hearts will swell for days. Compliments let us know what it’s like to look through your eyes. Those are glimpses of the world we don’t often get to see.
TELL ME I’M PRETTY, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
You wouldn’t want me to misplace something of yours, would you?
Like your balls? (which I’ll be keeping in a jar, in a location you will never know)
7. It’s the little things
Some of these are sounding cliche, but are just so fucking true. Sure, your big gestures of grandeur are admired, but it is often the small things that get our cheeks turning red. Leave a note on the mirror in the morning telling us to have a great day. Sit next to us during a movie you have no desire to see. Take the dog out in the morning so we can sleep in for an extra 10 minutes, remember what ice cream we prefer to eat when we cry. If you do these things, we’re yours for life.
Just you fucking take that god damn dog out and pick up its crap when it shits.
I will make you do every single fucking thing that you hate for the rest of your life. You thought you were dominant in this relationship?
I’m the boss and don’t you fucking forget it.
8. Remember things
Speaking of little things, try to remember them. Things like how we take our coffee and the name of that bitchy girl who sits next to us at work. Remember anything. Three weeks from now, bust out some silly story we told you over dinner one evening in great detail. Remember something we’d never expect you to store into your internal drive. Remember our first concert together, and our best friend from kindergarten’s name. The more obscure the better.
You better remember fucking everything.
If you don’t, I will hold it over your head for the rest of your life. I will bring it up when you least expect it. Over and over and over again. Even when you do remember, I will remind you of all the times that you forgot. You will never be allowed to forget that you forgot.
9. Deal with us
When we’re singing in the car. When we drink too much wine. When we completely melt down. Deal with our pasts, and when we don’t feel pretty. Deal with our stretch marks and insecurities, our early bedtimes and exhaustion. Deal with our mood, and how we load the dishwasher the wrong way. These things silently tell us that you’ll be by our sides regardless of how nerdy, silly or utterly hopeless we can get.
JUST FUCKING DEAL!!!
I’m going to be a complete fucking mess from start to finish. If you ever break up with me, I will blog endlessly about what an asshole you were. You will never be free of me.
NEVER, DO YOU HEAR ME!
10. Be the most stable thing in our lives
Be stronger than us. Be the one person in our world that won’t turn on us or walk away. When life becomes scary and confusing, and we just need something solid to hold onto, please be our anchor. It’s because of you that our awful days are easier to get through. Don’t be perfect. Just be there. It’s the only real requirement on this list.
Just BE There
Because I’m never going to let you go anywhere without me ever again. Never in your life.
Except when you walk the dog. And when I send you to the store for tampons. And when I send you to the grocery store five times in a row to get something I forgot, that I couldn’t remember until you were all the way home again.
I will rule your life from waking until sleeping, and then I will haunt your dreams all night long.
GET USED TO IT, SONNYBOY!
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues.
She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
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She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
Great satire to the original article!
What immature “unsuspecting dude” wrote that original? A lot of these (when not stated in such a way as the original article puts them) are things that many people need/want in a relationship: physical touch, communication, compliments, forgiveness. If you can’t give someone those things without the person being “needy” in your eyes, maybe look at yourself.