My mother taught me a great many things.
But she never taught me how to accept jealousy.
Jealousy was something you don’t feel. Jealousy was a sign of an insecure person and jealousy in a relationship was a red flag.
After all, if I trust you, I should never be jealous.
So, I am going to tell you about the first time I ever felt honest jealousy. To put this into perspective, I had to have it explained to me what the name of the feeling was. I had no idea. Which also means I had no idea on how to deal with it.
Hopefully, by reading this, mulling over (and probably laughing at) my naivete, you can avoid being in the same situation.
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I’ve been with my wife since I was nineteen. She was my first love. This means, I’ve never had to endure a breakup. I’ve never dealt with cheating.
It took me years to navigate the idea(s)
–that arguing did not mean she would leave me
–having an opinion was ok
–speaking up was acceptable and encouraged
–it was ok to have friend time away from my spouse
And, much more. I was, and in many ways still am, very inexperienced.
However, one of my greatest attributes, to me, was my inability to be jealous.
I’ve always been very easy going. I am open when i am attracted to someone. I encourage my spouse to be just as open. I’ve never has an issue watching porn or having a spouse watch it. I don’t worry when my spouse is gone for the weekend or with a friend. All I ask is they text me occasionally so I know they are safe.
After all, if I trust you, jealousy is never a factor.
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When I got into a poly unit, I stayed with that philosophy. We navigated the jealousy my wife felt when I spent too much time with Master. We talked through the amount of text messages versus phones calls (since they prefer different communication methods). We worked through moments of miscommunication, we talked as a couple and then as a core.
We navigated Master’s wife’s jealousy of how close we were in such a short amount of time. We agreed on rules as a core regarding the sexual attraction that was apparent. We talked through mistakes and came out stronger for it.
Master and I worked our relationship around the needs of our partners first and ourselves second.
This was our poly.
But, I was not Master’s only sub.
That’s a lie. I was his only sub but not his only on the small side of the slash.
Master has a lifestyle sister.
**Lifestyle sibling: a chosen member from the kink lifestyle who you have added to your family despite no blood relation.
His sister had a babygirl.
At some point, he became a Daddy to his sister’s babygirl.
(Please take a minute to insert a redneck joke or as I like to do, tell the story to the tune of the song “skater boy”)
Out of respect for privacy, we are going to call the babygirl “X”
Anyways, he was her Daddy for a good year or two before I became his submissive and we became a poly family.
On average, he would see his babygirl about once or twice a year and they would talk more frequently.
It was simply a part of the package.
X and I were on friendly terms but we rarely talked.
About eight months ago, X made a surprise visit to our house. She showed up at 10 at night on a Friday and asked to stay the weekend.
It had been a year or so since Master had seen her. It wasn’t the best weekend in our world, but we were happy he would get some time with X.
The reason it wasn’t the best weekend is that I was leaving for six weeks for work and my wife had just gotten all her upper teeth pulled.
As many of you know, my wife has a split personality and it is a four year old who calls my Master “drampa”. So, we were both needy and attention whores.
As good people do (because jealousy is bad), we put our feelings aside to let Master have a good visit.
It started as little things. She wanted to cuddle up.
This included her kissing me on my back, touching my neck, tickling me, etc.
Keep in mind, I barely knew her. Now, I recognize that those were boundaries that were being violated. However, that falls on me since I never told her to stop. I didn’t want to cause waves.
Ok. That’s fine. I’m very tactile and my anxiety was up because I was leaving. So that must be why my stomach was all icky feeling.
She spent a good portion of the day massaging his back, sitting in his lap, and peppering him with kisses and touches and tickles and…
Well, you get the picture.
To this, I have to give a reminder to those of you who have read my adventures. I enjoy hugs and kisses. But, I also know tickling is off limits. And I will never interrupt what he is doing for touches unless I am desperate. Because patience is a virtue and I try never to be intrusive.
So it bugged me.
But, his and X’s relationship was their own.
I was nervous because I wouldn’t know anybody at the job site. I am a shy person by nature. So, the twitching of my eye must have been from that.
So, solution number one: read my fanfiction on my phone and pretend I’m fine.
Solution number two: give a running play by play through text to the bestie.
I talked to her about how it breaks my heart to see my wife in pain…and how adorable she looks with no teeth.
I talked to her about how I felt a little overlooked and abandoned because X was sitting at Master’s feet, and in his lap, and next to him. I curled up alone in the chair across the room.
She told me to talk to Master.
I didn’t. Not because I hadn’t planned to. But because I didn’t want to ruin his weekend. So I figured I would talk to him on Monday or Tuesday.
I just kind of kept quiet.
At one point, Master asked me if I was ok. I told him I felt “off”. I couldn’t quite place what was wrong. I tend to be someone who wants to work through my own head before I stumble through telling someone else about it. So I told him not to worry and went back to cleaning.
Cuz cleaning is a stresser’s best friend.
Throughout the day, as I texted the bestie, she finally told me why I felt so weird.
“You’re jealous sweetie”
“I don’t get jealous.”
“It’s normal hun”
“No it’s not”
“Talk to Him”
“You shouldn’t wait.”
“On your head”
Don’t you like how nice we are? We are honest, brutally so. Even when one of us doesn’t want to hear it, we will tell each other the truth.
So, she said her peace and then told me she was here if she needed me. Then we talked about her yummy Dom…but that’s another story.
Until the moment my eyes bugged out of my head. X served Master dinner.
Sounds stupid doesn’t it? Such a simple thing.
But, this was my house. I’m a routine based, service oriented submissive. There are pretty much two non-negotiables in regards to my dynamic.
1) I remove Master’s boots at the end of the day.
2) I serve *fuckin* dinner
It’s always the same order. I dish up the kids, then my wife, then his wife, and then Master. Just as I will stop what I am doing, or eating, to get refills and seconds for my Peeps.
So, as any good submissive, I bit my tongue, breathed very, and I mean VERY deeply, calmly walked to the kitchen when it was empty of people, and texted my bestie.
“The Bitch Served Him Fucking Dinner. I’m Done!!”. –this is a direct quote.
I couldn’t breathe. It was like my whole body was on fire, the anger surged through me like a tidal wave. I bit through my tongue and my eyes burned with tears.
This was it. I was being replaced. After all, my one main job and He allowed another to do it. She served everyone but me. (I will add that she offered but I did not accept the plate. Call me petty, but I chose to get my own serving).
It felt as though my knees were to give out and my heart just broke. I had no desire to do anything but hide downstairs until I left in the morning.
I don’t know how to express how overwhelming the feeling of jealousy can be. I understand it now. But, in that moment, I simply felt hopeless.
So, I dished up dinner, sat at the bar in the kitchen, and ate dinner. When asked why I was there, I simply said I was nauseous. Which was true. I just didn’t express why I was so sick to my stomach.
For all I knew, I wouldn’t have a “place” in the house anymore when I came back.
Anxiety and jealousy are a toxic combination. They fuck you up unlike any other. All the trust and faith you have in your partners just kind of goes up in smoke. It makes you feel betrayed by things that are a thousand times worse in your head than it is in reality.
Remember, I’ve lost my head over a fuckin’ dinner plate.
So, the following morning, I kissed my wife goodbye and made sure she was situated. I kissed my Master and the kids. I petted the dog, said goodbye, and left.
Then I sobbed half my drive.
I checked in with my wife often and occasionally with Master. I felt I was interrupting things. My anxiety was eating away at my stomach like acid.
Over the next couple days, X and Master parted ways permanently. Out of respect for all involved, I will leave out this portion of the story.
In the end, X was no longer his babygirl and it had nothing to do with me.
Though it took a couple months and some major honesty with Master and my wife to believe that.
In fact, it wasn’t until a few months later that Master became aware of the text messages I sent the bestie. He knew something had been bothering me, he had not known it was that intense.
He made me promise never to wait so long to tell him things that bothered me.
I shrugged and told him I had expressed my thoughts to my wife. I had talked about the jealousy with her. I was confused and overwhelmed.
All because I didn’t know what jealousy was not how to handle it.
So, I’m imparting the best knowledge I can from what I learned.
1) Jealousy is a healthy and normal part of a relationship. It is acceptable to feel as though someone else is better than you, smarter than you, or more skilled than you. It is normal to believe that your partner(s) may find this individual more desirable. Recognize it for what it is and communicate it.
2) Jealousy is not a weakness unless you let it control you. I watch a lot of true crime tv. Most of it involves spousal murder. (Morbid, I know). Often times, jealousy is a major factor. One spouse cheats, one gets jealous, one dies. This, in my opinion, comes from a lack of level-headed communication. Jealousy needs to be expressed as any other emotion. It needs to be talked about, listened to, and resolved.
3) If someone tells you they don’t experience jealousy, they may be telling the truth at that point in time. Until that experience, I would have sworn to you that I did not feel jealousy. I found it as waste of time and energy. I still feel that way. Now, I just approach it more rationally. I slowly have developed the confidence to say, “I’m feeling jealous, can we talk about it?”
4). Communication is the number one answer. Just remember that it is a two way street. Just as I express my concerns, my partner has to listen and hear me. Then we figure out a solution together.
My poly makes me happy. We talk about the good and the bad. We check in, renegotiate, and are a family.
Now, when we talk, I am also more open about the negative feelings. In the end, I’ve learned that those are just as important as the positive ones.
If I’m feeling jealousy, I need to know why…and so do they.
Am I feeling insecure?
Am I dissatisfied?
Do I have a need I was previously unaware of?
Do we need to renegotiate?
Positive and negative feelings allow for a more fulfilling relationship when they can be expressed honestly.
I hope that you never have to feel what I felt that weekend. I hope you don’t spend the better part of your life not knowing what a basic emotion is or what it feels like. I hope you are able to better express yourself than I was.
But, mostly, I hope you get the opportunity to find a partner(s) that takes your concerns to heart and can look back and laugh with you at the irrationality of it all.
About the Author
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.