BDSM Activity Discussion Sheet

A couple years ago, someone posted an idea he’d had for a new way to conduct activity negotiations and discussions. Instead of the standard Will do/Not do & Hard Limit list, the list he came up with contained qualifiers for liking or not liking a thing. Unfortunately, that person completely vanished, so I could not reach out to collaborate. I didn’t remember exactly his headings, so I’ve made my own version. I’ve put it into spreadsheet form.

https://dametylerrose.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/activity-list-reward-duty-punishment.pdf

It gives both parties an opportunity to understand how the other views that particular activity. Do they see it just as a duty to be done and don’t particularly enjoy it? Discuss that together and reach a conclusion for how to handle those things. Is it something so very much enjoyed that it could be used as a special reward or treat, if you want a reward system in your dynamic? Discuss it.

I have NOT added actual activities. I’m not going to make a list of the 500,000 things. No such list would ever be complete. There would always be things left off and it would be an overlong waste of space and paper when there are twenty things in a row that neither party cares about.

By leaving the lines blank, I give you the opportunity to create your own activity list specific to yourselves. There is a space on the side for notes. It will be inadequate, of course, but that’s what the back of the paper is for. And loose leaf. This isn’t the end-all-be-all of forms. It’s a starting point.

There are 40 lines on which to write your activities. That should be enough to get anyone going in discussing their most important interests. You can print it out as many times as you want. Yes, the line numbers will duplicate, but that is hardly relevant. Just label the second printing “Set 2” and so on.

What should I put in the activities box?
Be specific. Saying “Impact” is way too broad a subject. I could fill up half the sheet with individual impact items. Hairbrush, wooden spoon, knitting needle, yardstick. Flogger — that alone would have several entries as well. Flat tailed, round braid, knotted, rubber. Whips — also a broad topic now, with makers creating things with one tail, braids that come down to three tails, etc. I’m not going to go into all that.

Basically, whatever is in the toy kits (top’s and bottom’s alike) is what should be on the list. It may happen that the bottom might have an implement that the top isn’t comfortable using. That has to be discussed too.

Include HOW you use them.
Bondage is going to mean one thing and suspension something else entirely. Needle play — does a person mean skimming under the skin to make designs? Or using push pins and just poking them directly into the skin? These are the things that need to be discussed as you fill it out together. Write in the activity, discuss it, and check the appropriate box. Add any notes as necessary.

Make a complete messy mess of it.
You can always print out another to make a nice neat copy of.

Yes, do it together.
As the top, please do not just plop things into it and hand the thing over. That is entirely counter-productive to the purpose. Build the list together, one item at a time. Mark them by name as referring to the preferences of one party or the other where there is overlap in giving or receiving.

Talk talk talk talk about it.
It is a common thing: Ask someone a yes/no question and they will more often just say no. It’s easier. There’s no thought to it. That’s why I’ve put Reward as the first selection, to at once put a person in a positive state of mind, more open and receptive.

I expect you will learn far more about each other’s likes and dislikes, and the thought processes behind it all than with a standard willdo/won’tdo list. Give it six months and go back to your list and re-examine your positions. It often happens that, with time and experience, things that someone used to hate have become dearest loves. Or vice versa.

If you have any questions or aren’t sure how to go about initiating the discussion, you can find me on Fetlife as DameTylerRose or email me at LIST@taobytyler.com

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TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.